Dear Crucial Skills,
I’ve made so many bad choices in the past that I’m in prison now. I love my daughter, and she is really hurt and angry with me. How do I build a relationship with her?
Signed,
Locked Away
Dear Locked Away,
First, let me offer something you didn’t ask for. I’ve spent the last decade volunteering at a place called The Other Side Academy with campuses in Denver, Colorado, and Salt Lake City, Utah. The Other Side Academy helps adult men and women with long histories of crime and addiction fundamentally change their lives. It requires a two-and-a-half-year minimum commitment, everything you need is provided, and it is free. At times it is possible to attend as a condition of early parole. Feel free to write a letter to The Other Side Academy if you want to explore the option.
The Other Side Academy Admissions
661 E 100 S
Salt Lake City, UT 84102
My relationship with hundreds of men and women at the Academy has given me a unique perspective on your question. I’ve watched many academy students handle relationships with children poorly, and many more handle them well. Here are some general principles I’ve derived.
Make It about Her, Not about You
Most of our students with children start with a fundamentally selfish agenda. They want to see their children. They want to be in their child’s life. They want to be a mom or dad to them. Want, want, want. Our students have been arrested an average of twenty-five times prior to attending the Academy. So, you can imagine the kind of parent they’ve been. They show up in their child’s life when they have nothing better to do. When something more tantalizing presents itself, they chase that. I’ve seen dozens of students walk away from their two-year commitment early, claiming, “I just need to see my kids.” And after making that claim, the vast majority stop to pick up drugs and never make it to mother- or fatherhood. So my first question to you is, do you want a relationship with your daughter, or do you want what’s best for your daughter? Your answer to that question will help you see whether your daughter should want a relationship with you.
Work on Becoming, Not Having
I appreciate your honesty in acknowledging that you have made bad choices. That can be the beginning of change. If you want to have a great relationship with your daughter, start by becoming the kind of person who can have great relationships. When students come to the Academy, they have nothing to offer in a relationship. Their relationships are about making them feel good, not connecting selflessly and authentically with another person. Learn to be trustworthy, selfless, and happy—independent of whether others dote on you and reciprocate your attention. The only secure path to having a different life is becoming a different person. Let her go and work on you.
It Will Happen
If you stop craving it and simply work on having something to offer her by becoming a better version of yourself, I assure you she will reach out. It might take months, it might take years, but human beings have a biological urge to connect with their blood. It doesn’t always serve us well, but it’s a consistent pattern. I’ve seen many instances where our adult students are drawn to reconnect with mothers and fathers whose lives are a mess. The urge is like a salmon returning to its birthplace to spawn. Often these are the very people who rained abuse on our students in their childhood or who introduced them to drugs in the first place. The students know logically they should love them from a distance, and yet they succumb to the urge to reconnect. If people feel compelled to reconnect when it’s a bad idea, you can take comfort in knowing it will happen in its own time when you truly have something to offer her.
Earn Her Trust by Sacrificing Your Desires
Even after you begin a relationship with her, be prepared for a roller coaster. She may begin tentatively or there may be a euphoric thrill at the beginning. At some point confused and neglected feelings of resentment may emerge. This will be another test of whether you’re in it for her or for you. If you are defensive when this occurs, you’ll have retreated into selfishness again. If you can subordinate your desires, you’ll earn her trust. We accord trust to others when we see persuasive evidence that they’re willing to subordinate their preferences to our needs. Show her you are willing to wait and the waiting will be shorter than you fear.
As I finish writing this I spoke with a woman who has been at the academy close to three years. After years of self-destructive living and alienation from her children, then after three years of proving to herself that she deserved to be trusted, she reached out to her son. After months of fragile contact, he has begun to trust her. So much so, that he just disclosed to her that he is getting married in a few months. He asked her if she would attend.
Best wishes,
Joseph
Thank you Joseph. I haven’t experienced this specific example, but I’ve experienced the relationship principles everyday of my life. This was so valuable in helping me reframe how I handle relationships in my life.
Justin said this so well above. I haven’t had the same experience but as I think about my relationships with my adult children, the question “ do you want a relationship with your daughter, or do you want what’s best for your daughter?” is honest and important. Thank you for this perspective.