Dear Crucial Skills,
My brother is sixty-one and lost his wife ten months ago. He has now bottomed out. I have no idea how to help him. I listen, say what I can. I think he would benefit from grief counseling. He seems to be unable to move forward. He has no children. Is there anything I can do?
Signed,
Grief-Stricken
Dear Grief-Stricken,
I can hear your love and empathy for your brother in your message. He’s fortunate to have you. As I write this I am in the midst of a study of “crucial events.” My colleagues Brian Wansink and I have rigorously studied hundreds of terrible crises subjects have experienced and how they handled them in subsequent years. I draw some of my counsel to you from that research.
Know Your Role and Limits
You said he has now “bottomed out.” If by that term you mean he is engaged in self-destructive behavior (emotional abuse, addictive habits, high-risk behaviors, etc.) there are limited things you can do. If he is a danger to himself or others, you can arrange for welfare checks with the police or, if needed, ask for him to be involuntarily hospitalized. If his behavior doesn’t rise to that level, the best you can do is express love, offer help, and set boundaries. You cannot, however, force him to accept help. And your attempt to do so will weaken rather than strengthen your influence.
Give Him Time
Ten months isn’t that long. Given his age I assume his marriage may have been decades long. If so, I assure you ten months isn’t an excessive amount of time to grieve. In fact, many people experience new pangs of grief with every first holiday or significant date after a traumatic event. The first Christmas, Hannukah, New Year, etc. can remind the sufferer once again of their loss. Don’t expect him to move through his grief at your pace. You don’t get to decide how much grieving he needs. Likewise, you’re neither responsible for nor capable of fixing his grief. He needs to feel what he needs to feel. Let him do it.
Help, Don’t Nag
Expressing love and empathy is always good. Offering help is occasionally good. But it turns into nagging when it’s offered too often. If it becomes a weekly or monthly pattern, then you aren’t really helping with him with his grief, instead you’re demanding he make things better for you.
Get Help for Yourself
There are many good books based on sound research on grieving, and how to support those in the midst of it. One way you can show love for him is to study how to show love for him. Your investment of time and effort will make you a better brother at this crucial time.
I sense a sincerity to help in your question. I hope some of these ideas support your efforts to do so. I offer my sincere sympathy to him at this trying time, and my love to you as you support him.
Warmly,
Joseph
One of the recovery paths some grieving spouses have taken is a connection pathway.
It’s been repeatedly said that healing happens in relationships. We’re not meant to carry our heaviest burdens alone.
But a lot of married people have more “couple friends” than personal friends. When they lose a spouse through death or divorce they suddenly feel very alone. Reaching out to their “couple friends” seems awkward and can stir up grief.
One person we intereviewed had lost a child and went on to form a group that reached out to other bereaved parents. She said something that might be of interest. She emphasized that being in regular contact with a person and reaching out with small acts of love and caring can help more than one might think.
At one point she shared, “I found that it is the little things—the notes, the doing of someone’s dishes—that let people know we care.”
This is what she believed could help open up a recovery path.
I am on my own journey of grief through the underworld with my love who left this life. My soul is but ashes and I’m in survival mode. I’m guessing this journey will last the rest of my life with changes along the way. Supportive listening and remembering are my suggestions.
I’ve found, listening to the “All There Is” – Anderson Cooper’s Podcast to be very helpful; hearing the struggles that others have endured with their losses and how they’ve dealt with them as well as the book by Megan Devine, “It’s OK that you’re NOT OK”.
I lost a partner 2yrs & 4 mths ago and I discovered an online peer support group (meets weekly through Zoom) that has helped me.
As BrianWansink mentioned, ‘Connection’ is key !
What has worked for me to help others: Make the time to take time to be with him On a regular schedule. In person, If it is safe, video chat, or on the phone, Just to be there in person or on the line, talk or listen about anything, Let him know you love him and care for him.
I lost my Momma of 94 years just this March. She was a vibrant and engaged and healthy lady (no comobidities ). I have 3 sibs so we intentionally have grown our relationship and stay connected. We phone each other more, we make sure we get together more when in the same city or wherever, and we have an extended family What’s App where we post photos and what we are up too but also photos of us & Mom from the past and our thoughts and feelings and memories and honest comments to each other about how our grieving is going.
I have set up a little memorial of some of her things & photos in my main bathroom and “talk to her” daily when I “visit”about how I miss her and how my grieving is going and my memories and how I am doing at remembering and living her legacy and what I am up too that she would be happy for me for…working at my dreams while dreaming them. I believe and pray too & that suffices as talking to yourself too as well as your saviour….I embrace what helps to heal.
I also journal as much as I can about my feelings and thoughts and grieving etc.
I welcome every outburst of emotions or just passing reminders of her. It can really hurt my heart and soul but I find if I let it “run”, it does end and I feel relief…until the next time when you do it again…and again.
I tell people I engage with that I am grieving at the loss of my Momma. That usually invokes a conversation big or small and often tears, it is all helpful I find.
I do find the more I talk & write about her and my loss of her, the better I am with my grieving.
There is a website to visit of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, “Center for Loss and Life Transition”. Read eveything he has there and he is a marvelous writer so get some of his books. There is a daily devotion you can get to come to you online. He is spiratial I’d say but not religious. His work is science/medical based and he has his own philosphy of caring and healing called “companioning”. He is based in Colorado where you can go to his Center but he also presents all over North America and I have taken advantage of his coming to my city in Canada at least six or so times over the years.
Finally I would offer that you “companion” with your brother once you learn what that is. Yes he needs you right now but you will learn from Dr. Wolfelt that grief is personal and definately needs to happen to be part of healthy healing. Walking his grief journey with him as a companion will be what you can do and you’ll learn something invaluable for yourself too as well as grow your relationship with your brother…all good. You can only control what you can control and that’s you. All the very best.
I lost my spouse in July 2021 to Covid. I can agree with alot of the comments above that being around people is a help. I got enrolled in GriefShare (13 weeks of Grief topics). It got me out of the house, it made me realize all the of the feelings, emotions, etc I was going through was perfectly normal in that time of grief. It also gave me the opportunity to meet others walking the same journey. There truly is healing in community. There are different grief counseling options out there, but GriefShare was a game changer for me. Also, I volunteer. Getting out and having the feeling that you are making a difference also helps. Having a purpose through your pain is very important. Just a daily check in, letting him know he is on your heart is good. I hope he can find something to get involved in that interests him. Ten months is still really fresh grieving. It takes time- alot of time to heal.
I am on my own journey of grief through the underworld with my love who left this life. My soul is but ashes and I’m in survival mode. I’m guessing this journey will last the rest of my life with changes along the way. Supportive listening and remembering are my suggestions.
Consider Griefshare. https://www.griefshare.org/ I have run the group for 4 years at my church and it is amazing.
I agree. I attended the sessions 2x after losing my husband and now I facilitate at my church. Starting my sixth semester of it next month. It is a wonderful program for grieving hearts.
As a Life Coach I have the opportunity to be with people experiencing grief. Listening and just being with those experiencing grief is the highest form of respect and shows love and empathy. You mentioned in your article there are many books available as a resource. Life Lessons by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler provides insight into the lesson of loss grief, guilt and many others.
Speaking as a widow of 20 years:
1. Your brother is grieving as fast as he can. (Hard agree that 10 months is NOT a long time – but neither is 10 years. )
2. Try to let go of whatever you think “moving on” looks like. The sun is coming up every day, and he is alive, so he’s doing it. Maybe not the way you would or the way you want him to; but he’s doing it just the same.
3. Say her name. Share what you remember about her. Let him talk about her as much (or as little) as he wants to.
4. Invite him to do things with just you, as well as group/family activities – a meal, a cup of coffee, a walk, a concert, a movie, an art show, a sporting event – anything. And keep inviting even when he says no 1000 times.
5. Ask him what he needs or what he thinks might be helpful – he might not know in the moment, but give him permission to think about it and get back to you. Or let him know you will ask again later.
6. Reiterating Mr. Grenny’s last point: Increase your grief IQ. You can’t fix your brother’s grief, but you can learn. And you can ensure you are processing your own grief (surely you are grieving, too) in ways that are healthy and helpful. Read books (someone else recommended Megan Devine – she is fabulous!), take a class, watch some videos (there’s so much free on the internet), etc.
I have my own journey with grief also. Yesterday would have been my parents 59th wedding anniversary. We lost Dad 10 days after their 58th. I lived with them to help care for my Mom. This week has been very rough for her.
Dad died in August, my middle son died at 29 in September, Mom broke her ankle in October, best friend’s Dad died in November, sister in law’s 3 week old granddaughter died in December and my Dad’s younger brother died in January. That was 6 months of hit after hit. It has calmed down now.
I found an in person grief support group and that helps to talk to people who are going through the same thing and understand that you are NOT ok and that it’s OK not be ok.
It’s healthy to cry about it and to make time for grieving. I’m told by some people who are farther along their journey that the second year was actually worse than the first year.
I also joined a grief discord server which is very helpful with international people so there is always someone around when you want to talk or rage or cry.
There is no one size fits all but you could offer to find and go with to a grief support group. Therapy is also a good option but it is still good to this along with the therapy.
Good luck. The grief will never go away because you love your person but it does soften with time.