Dear Justin,
I get a little tired of dancing around issues. People want me to beat around the bush or butter them up before I come down hard on them. It’s not my problem if they don’t want to hear the truth. I’m just someone who tells it like it is, and sometimes that’s tough for people.
Brutally Honest
Dear Brutally Honest,
Sometimes, it seems easiest to say what you’re thinking and feeling instead of filtering your thoughts and comments. But, as honest as you think you are, I’m guessing your current delivery isn’t actually as honest as it could be. I believe you’re holding back some honesty in an effort to be a little “brutal,” as you stated. I’ll give a little advice here to help you be even more honest—incredibly honest. But not in the way you might think.
1. Your beliefs about something are not the same thing as ultimate truth. I’ve heard dozens of people say, “I just tell it how it is.” They say this as if the way they see things is the same as “how it is.” This fundamental misbelief is where we go wrong. I’m going to encourage you to be crystal clear on “how it is” by separating facts from stories. Make sure you completely understand what the other person said, or what he or she did, that has you concerned. Consider: what did he or she say? What are some of the behaviors he or she exhibited? How many episodes were there? Is there documentation of the situation that supports your concern? Just because you feel very strongly about your opinions doesn’t make them facts. The more you focus on facts—what you saw, heard, observed—the more influential you’ll be in the conversation.
2. Share your opinions as opinions, not as facts. When it’s time to talk, don’t overstate your opinions. Have you ever watched a political debate? Inevitably, during these events you’ll hear one, or both sides, say something to the effect of, “Actually, Representative Hale, the fact of the matter is . . . ” and then they proceed to share their opinion, view, or perspective on the topic. Why do they do that? Because they want to make their opinions seem like facts. They want to add more weight to their views to coerce people into agreeing with them by giving their opinions the façade of fact. You and I do this as well. Try the following:
- Instead of saying, “Fact of the matter is . . . ” try, “It seems to me . . . “
- Instead of saying, “You never . . . ” try, “The last three times . . . “
- Instead of saying, “You don’t have any clue about . . . ” try, “I’m starting to think that . . . “
It’s not false uncertainty when we’re talking opinions. Facts are certain. Stories and opinions can be changed and molded.
3. Realize honesty is not what you think it is. As you mentioned, it’s common for us to feel like we can’t be “too honest” for fear it will hurt people’s feelings. This idea comes from a misunderstanding about what it means to be honest. Being honest has nothing to do with being angry, hurtful, mean, or “letting off steam.” Showing those emotions has nothing to do with honesty, but for some reason, we equate them with each other. Being more honest is about being more clear, more specific, more sincere, and more authentic. So, you DON’T have to raise your voice to increase your honesty. You DO need to be more effective at stating the observable facts of the situation and your honest perspective about those facts. My model for starting even the toughest conversations is this:
- Share your facts
- Tell your story (opinion)
- Ask for others’ perspectives
If you do these steps effectively, there is no limit to how honest you can be . . . only a limit to how brutal you can be.
Take care,
Justin
One of the best. Many thanks.
Great article! I can see myself in some of the situations where “my opinion” was spoken as a fact by the way I worded my sentence:( Great suggestions on how to re-state from opinion to facts. I especially loved the line that you don’t have to be hurtful, mean or angry to be honest. So many times I have been approached this way only to feel each of those emotions after the person “has been brutally honest! Thanks again:)
This is a great post! I recently worked on a team where two of the “leaders” were the biggest jerks I had ever met! They described themselves as “brutally honest,” or “not having time to be PC,” as if those were things to be proud of. I particularly liked this sentence: “Being honest has nothing to do with being angry, hurtful, mean, or “letting off steam.” I wish every person who took pride in being a “straight shooter” realized that!
Fabulous! I know several “Just being Honest” persons that this will be shared with. Thank YOU
I apprecite the distinction between the delivery and the content. Hard truths delivered with grace and openness are more easily accepted and elicit the desired response more often. Thanks for this perspective.
Very well presented. Basically, being honest has nothing to do with being brutal. Our opinions are really not the fact of ANY matter.
I have noticed that ‘brutally honest’ people would rather be heard and give their opinion that ensure they are trying to improve a situation. ‘Saying their piece’ is more important than a productive outcome, which will often depend on the buy in and cooperation of the people they are criticizing!
I once read this truth about these type of people: “They say they call a spade a spade, but they really call it a shovel!’
Nice! I’ve had to listen to the endless self-righteous monologues of “brutally honest” people all of my life. It’s nice to hear that someone is calling their bluff.
People who relish in being brutally honest relish being brutal. It is just as easy to be honest without being brutal.
“Tact is the art of making your point without making an enemy.” – Howard W. Newton
This is much easier than we credit it as being, and a receptive audience will appreciate it. Too often, perhaps, the giver is not receptive of this principle.
It reminds me of something I read a long time ago:
“There is honesty, and there is brutality. There’s no such thing as brutal honesty.”
Most practitioners of “brutal honesty” are actually pretty insecure people. They don’t feel confident in their ability to influence and use toughness to convey strength. I should know: I was once one of those people. As I’ve become more sure of myself and improved my communication skills, I’ve been much better able to make my point quietly and directly without feeling the need to terrorize my listener. I only wish I had developed these abilities earlier.
Humm, very well explained… food for thoughts…
Thanks for drawing attention on the difference betweeen truth and belief, facts and opinions. Very valuable insight..
Excellent article, thank you for this clarification on where honesty comes into play, both with oneself and in recognizing observable facts, one’s point of view and openness for feedback.
The issue with the reply is sometimes the truth is fact. People want you to act as if you aren’t sure about a situation or circumstance to allow them an escape from the truth. Sometimes brutal honesty is an opinion… and sometimes it’s a fact. If an opinion is and opinion well then state it that way but if it is a fact then state it that way as well. Usually the people that disagree with brutal honesty and get offended by it is because the statement pertains to them. Well if it pertains to you why isn’t the statement true???
A lot of people think they know the whole situation when they don’t. They think they are saying “facts” when in reality they have made a story up in their heads based on very little information. People disagree when someone jumps to conclusions, it is natural to be offended when someone goes off the stories in their head and presents them as reality.
I usually find the people who are most keen on brutal “honesty” are very happy to dish it out but wouldn’t be at all keen on receiving it.
The closest thing to the ‘truth’ that can endure is the consensus that can be reached. Any unilateral interpretation just has to be flawed.
I prefer straight shooters. They’re open, honest and very straightforward. You always know where you stand. Nothing annoys me more than thin skinned people who sugarcoat.
Honest and straight forward is great. What isn’t great is adding cruelty to the mix.
In CC this is the fool’s choice, where it goes from one extreme to the other.
The paradox of good communication is made up of being frank, clear, straightforward and diplomatic, tactful, respectful. If someone is high on frankness and low on diplomacy they are blunt. If someone is low on frankness and high on diplomacy, they are evasive in their communication (sugarcoat, don’t get to the point, etc.).
But there is no need to make the fool’s choice. You can have both; you can be both frank and diplomatic, which creates clarity and respectfulness simultaneously. It allows for a clear message that is much more receptive to the receiver.
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Brutal honesty is that we know nothing. The toughest person you need to be brutal with is yourself.
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A participant in one of my workshops years ago said, “The problem with wanting to be brutally honest is we focus more on being brutal than on being honest.” Good post.
Justin–Thank you for sharing your effective communication tools with us. As a Dayton psychologist, you are describing a group of people I’ve researched called Instigator communicators. I-Types are so driven to fix a situation and problem-solve that they become impatient and inadvertently step on toes. In my clinical experience, your tools will also resonate with and reassure 50% of us who are Empathizer communicators. E-types are more sensitive types who care-fully weigh their words before speaking but can be mood sponges. Keep up the terrific work, Justin!
-Dennis
Excellent article. Too many people use “honesty” as an excuse to be hurtful. Your article is factual, respectful, and honest without being brutal.
I have also seen some who, stating they are “Brutally honest” are actually arrogant, and as such, don’t consider any other viewpoint then their own as valid, so they don’t (and won’t) take the time to investigate the real facts.
Take a tip from Toastmasters:
Shape your criticism like a sandwich:
Something good
How to improve on something not so good
Something good