Dear Crucial Skills,

How do you have a Crucial Conversation with a college parent who is frustrated with their student’s experience in the residence hall? Specifically, when facilities need to shut down utilities to complete maintenance while most students are off campus—but some, like athletes, return early and are left without water or electricity. How can we communicate effectively and empathetically in this situation?

Signed,
Just the Messenger

Dear Messenger,

The first thing that came to mind when I read your question is that not everything is a Crucial Conversation. While that might seem like a counterintuitive thing to say coming from a company that teaches communication skills, hear me out.

Certainly, there is a way to clearly and empathetically communicate difficult news. But I don’t think that’s the primary challenge you’re facing. Communication is crucial to managing so many challenges—and I stand by our claim that communication can make or break your results. But words are not the only thing that communicate your intention or meaning. Actions also send strong messages. Words without action will fall on deaf ears—even if those words are said in just the right way and with the right intention. And conversely, actions paired with conflicting words cause people to lose trust.

In your situation, I would think first about your plan to serve your “customers”. What will you do for those who are being inconvenienced? Only after you come up with a good plan, can you think about how to communicate that plan and manage people’s reactions.

Your customer is expecting to have comfortable housing, and you will not be providing it for a period of time. When this happens, you need to do your very best to close the gap between what people are expecting and what they will receive. There is a big difference between simply saying you’re very sorry that someone will have no access to electricity or water and letting them know what they can do in the absence of these necessities.

You mentioned that most students are off campus, so what about providing those without power and water access to another empty dorm? Or giving them access to locker rooms on campus? Perhaps you offer them a stipend they could use to cover the costs of a hotel or simply pocket in the event they aren’t getting what they are paying for. Any of these ideas might work, and you can pick one or find another that will communicate—more than the words you say—that you are concerned about your customer and want to support them in the best way possible.

In my experience, once you have a solid plan, the communication is straightforward. Start by outlining the challenge, then acknowledge that the challenge will inconvenience people, and follow it up with your plan to make it right for those who will be impacted. Finish by providing an easy way for people with concerns and questions to connect with you. If your plan is solid, most people will be satisfied. Also, I guarantee that no matter what great lengths you go to, a few will not be happy. I’ve learned that it’s impossible to please everyone. When you plan for complaints, you can be prepared to respond accordingly.

As you field customer complaints, I’ve found the following tips to be helpful:

Acknowledge the Customer’s Frustration

When someone reaches out because they are frustrated, often they simply want to be heard. They want you to understand their unique challenges and why the plan won’t work for them. Take time to listen and simply acknowledge their frustration.

Resist Defensiveness

I’ve learned the hard way that jumping to a position of defensiveness is not productive. When someone is frustrated with you it’s natural to want to explain why you made the decisions you did, why this isn’t your fault, and why you’re also frustrated. While all those feelings may be valid, this is the customer’s concern, not yours. Avoid defensiveness because it will only fuel the fire of frustration. I find that I simply reply with something like, “I understand your frustration,” or “Thank you for the feedback, we will review and adjust where possible.”

Be Creative in Finding Solutions

It’s likely the plan presented is the best you can offer your customer. But if you can see new solutions when talking with people who have concerns, explore them. Do your best to close the gap where possible.

Apologize

If you can’t close the gap, apologize. A simple and sincere apology that shows you care is the best you can offer. Most people will take that apology for how it’s intended.

In summary, not every problem can be solved by a Crucial Conversation. Words without action will mean little to someone who finds themselves in a compromised position. And, once you’ve come up with the best plans possible, communicate them clearly and prepare for some backlash. When fielding customer complaints, acknowledge frustration, resist defensiveness, be creative, and apologize when you’re at odds. It’s challenging to find yourself the messenger of bad news, but with a few principles and a solid plan, you can make sure things go as smoothly as possible.

Best of luck,
Brittney