Dear Crucial Skills,
I have a coworker that I just can’t stand. He is good at his job, but I struggle to get along with him because he’s so opinionated and narrow-minded. He has an opinion about everything and can’t fathom any other viewpoint. I’d rather go to the dentist than be in a meeting with him. What am I supposed to do? Should I have a conversation with him about it or just let it go?
Signed,
Over Opinions
Dear Over Opinions,
Thanks for your question. My initial response may not be what you expect, but I’m going to be kind of tough on you, kind of like a coach might be.
My goal isn’t to make you feel bad or to put all the blame on you. My goal is to challenge you and help you and others in a similar situation start getting to a resolution.
My view is that the resolution lies a lot more inward than it does outward. But before you roll your eyes, just hang with me for a minute. The first thing I’m going to challenge you to do is ask yourself a handful of questions, and I want you to legitimately answer them, either writing down your answers or saying them out loud. Pretend we’re in a room together, and answer them as if I were in front of you. Don’t skip a question. Don’t ignore any. Don’t give me a yes or no. Answer honestly. As you go through that process, try to notice what, if anything, changes in your thinking and emotions.
- When you are describing them as opinionated and narrow-minded, are you in any way describing yourself? Can you think of other contexts or other people where others might describe you this exact way? Maybe you aren’t that way at work, but maybe you are at home.
- Why do you think they’re acting this way? Do you think they derive pleasure from acting this way? Is there a chance they aren’t aware?
- Have you said anything to them about this behavior? If not, where does your responsibility lie?
- Are you more focused on being right about this person than having a healthy working relationship with them?
- When you tell yourself stories about them, do you play a hero to their villain, or victim to their villain?
- If you filmed yourself interacting with them, what might you notice in your tone, body language, or facial expressions that show your frustration and send a negative message to them?
- If you never confront them, are you willing to change your own stories so that you could reduce your frustration and work normally?
- Are you waiting for them to change before you decide to show up differently? If so, what are you giving away in terms of influence and personal responsibility?
In my experience, the more negative your judgment of another person, the worse your behavior is likely to be when working/talking with him or her. It’s just the way we are. Our stories drive our emotions, and our emotions drive our actions. You can try to hide your true feelings, but sooner or later they come out.
In the end…
You only have a few options for how you could handle this:
One, you can decide to address your own stories and see the situation a little differently, which will change how you feel, which could help you operate more effectively—independent of the other person changing.
Two, you could say something. You could speak up and share your concerns about the behavior.
Three, you could leave. You could decide to leave the situation, go someplace else.
Regardless of what you do, you will only find real peace if you address your own perceptions, because no matter where you go or what you say, if you’re a human being operating in this world, you’re going to be around people that frustrate you, whether they be at work or at home. It just is the way it is.
Best of luck with the difficult people in your life.
“My goal isn’t to make you feel bad or to put all the blame on you. My goal is to challenge you and help you and others in a similar situation start getting to a resolution.” I LOVE how each time I read the third volume, I see more and more these principles in practice through these blogs. This is a great message not only on bias and communication, but also a reminder to lead with compassion!
Elektrik pano kliması tamiri
Thank you for a great and insightful article. I can really compare my self to the situation, at work all is well, but not so much in my home life. My husband and I are very similar, opinionated and strong minded. Making me appear as the pushy individual, and most of the time unable to express my own opinion. I will definitely try to look closer to myself and try very hard to make some changes and pray for a good resolution. Thank you again.
Simple, practical, stellar wisdom.
Great topic! Our pastors remind us to love everyone and treat with kindness and be humble, just as Jesus did/does. As noted, easier said than done, especially in the work environment. I have recently been taking on my inward perspective and changing my approach to people. Good timing on this article.
I love the advice here… it is easy to play the victim or the hero in your own story and we should all think about what our stories are. Being kind to others is always good to do as you never know what battles they are fighting. I also would like to acknowledge that we sometimes just don’t like other people and that’s ok. Figuring out how to work with them can be challenging, but we aren’t going to get along with everyone all of the time.
I am not sure the question was really addressed. The OP asked if they should ignore it or address it with the person. Most of the time there are 1 or 2 folks that you are working with that are overly opinionated. I don’t think leaving the situation is a strong option because you may enjoy your work and the company, but not that particular person. If your entire environment is not copasetic then maybe it would be. If I didnt have to work with the person very closely, I would just ignore it. If I had to work with them every day, maybe state something in a diplomatic way. Opinionated people tend to not take feedback and definitely tend to reject it outright if stated too bluntly.