Dear Crucial Skills,

When my coworker follows up on my projects, I usually answer fine. But sometimes I get the sense that he’s checking up on me and checking my work, and I lose patience and lash out at him. How can I deal with this situation?

Signed,
Snappy

Dear Snappy,

I suppose I could butter you up and say this isn’t your fault and blame your jerk of a coworker.🙂 But I’m going to go a different route. I’m going to guess there are two possible reasons for your coworker’s behaviors.

1. He doesn’t fully trust you because you aren’t consistently reliable.
2. He’s so stressed because of pressure being put on him, and he’s transferring that stress to you.

Reflect on Your Behavior

Organizations are littered with people who think they are high performers and yet perplexed why they don’t get promoted as quickly as they believe they should. Such employees commonly feel they are being slighted and wronged. And yet most of them have a career-limiting habit that they don’t see or aren’t willing to see.

In all the research we’ve done, common career-limiting habits relate to being productive, organized, and personably accountable. It comes down to this: are you consistent at doing what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it? If trust is what makes or breaks a team, then getting stuff done is the currency of trust. I’d challenge you to dig deep and ask yourself:

• What’s my role in this?
• Do I see a pattern of people in my life checking up on me?
• Am I constantly making excuses for why I can’t finish commitments?

Let me be clear, I’m not saying this IS your issue. But I’m not sure that it isn’t either. I don’t say this to try to demean you, but to wake you up to a new view of yourself. We all need this in our lives. I once received feedback that my tendency toward persuasion was abrasive for many of my colleagues. Tough news to hear, but it was vital tough love.

In your case, being reliable is something that’s in your control. When someone delegates a task, capture it somewhere other than your head. Writing it down or putting it immediately on a to-do list sends the message to the other person that you care, that the task is just as important to you as it is to them. Also, don’t agree to deadlines you know you won’t hit. You’ll simply be setting yourself up to fail.

Master Your Stories and Bring it Up

I think you should bring up your concern with this colleague. Better to address the pattern than continue to suffer through it. But you need to start by checking your emotions. From your question, it sounds like you’re frustrated. The source of your frustration is likely coming from a story you’re telling yourself that this coworker is micromanaging you.  Since the problem of coming up with ugly stories takes place inside your own mind, that’s also where the solution lies. Those who are best at holding Crucial Conversations tell themselves a more balanced story. Instead of asking, “What’s the matter with that person?” they ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?”

By asking this humanizing question, you should gain a few other possible explanations for the checkups and you’ll be more effective talking about the issue.

Once you’ve checked your story and calmed your emotions, just be candid. Say something like, “Hey Juan, I’ve noticed with the last few assignments I’ve taken on for you that you check in on me almost every day, even though we agreed on a due date. I had every intention to finish by the date we agreed. But honestly, when you check in on me it makes me wonder if you think I will finish on time. Can you help me see your side of things?”

Use Checkups and Checkbacks

Sometimes the other person is so stressed that their worry drives them to become a nag. They may trust you, but the stakes are so high for them that they want to guarantee nothing goes wrong. While it’s understandable that someone might get to this point (we’ve all acted ineffectively because of stress), it’s also detrimental to others. So, to those who are giving the assignments, you gotta know the difference between a checkup and a checkback and use them correctly.

Do a checkup when you’re giving the assignment and are nervous or have questions. You’ve looked at the risk, the track record, and the person’s experience, and you’re feeling anxious or uneasy. This is the time to use a checkup. Say something like, “Since this is such an important project, I’m wondering if we could meet next Wednesday at 10am to review how it’s going.” In this case, you are in charge of the follow-up.

Use a checkback when the task is routine and has been assigned to someone who is experienced and reliable. Now that person is in charge. He or she offers suggestions, “How about we follow up at our next scheduled meeting?” or “The deadline is two weeks from today. Could we meet next Thursday fifteen minutes before our team meeting to touch base?”

To get results AND maintain healthy relationships, both checkups and checkbacks can be helpful.

Justin