Almost twenty years ago, I walked into what was then called VitalSmarts as a wide-eyed intern, fresh out of college, convinced I had somehow tricked the company into hiring me.
They put me in a cubicle right in the middle of the founders’ offices. Internally, we called them the authors. These weren’t just people who started a company. They created ideas. They built a body of work that changed how leaders all over the world think and lead. And somehow, there I was—sitting in a cubicle nearby, hoping no one realized I still didn’t know what I was doing.
Fast forward almost two decades, and Joseph Grenny asks if I’d be willing to co-author the next revision of Crucial Accountability. I said yes immediately. But then I kinda panicked.
The saving grace for me was that I’ve spent nearly twenty years in classrooms with this content—watching people wrestle with it, question it, apply it, and have light-bulb moments.
Writing With Joseph… and Kerry
Kerry Patterson—our late friend, mentor, and cofounder—passed away in 2022. When Joseph and I started rewriting the book, Kerry’s voice was everywhere.
When I was that intern in the cubicle, Kerry would wander into my office and just… riff. He’d talk through an idea, an article he’d read, something he saw on TV. Half the time I had no idea what he was saying. The other half, I was thinking, “This guy is terrifyingly smart.”
If you’ve ever laughed at one of our videos—“Not everything is all sunshine and gummy bears around here,” or “Do insensitive, awkward, backward people know it?”—that’s Kerry.
I could almost hear his sarcastic edits, his insistence that ideas had to land in both the heart and the mind.
It was sweet. And a little emotional. And honestly, it was a gift.
Two Big Insights I Took Away
1. The Real Challenge Is Balancing Empathy and Accountability
I went to New York City to meet with Patti Simpson, head of people at Union Square Hospitality Group. I asked her what drives their culture. She said something that surprised me: “A lot of our success is built on failure.”
She explained that their culture is shaped not by how they handle great days—but by how they handle mistakes. Their mantra is:
The road to success is paved with mistakes well handled.
Leadership isn’t tested when everything is going well. It’s tested in the messy moments: missed expectations, dropped balls, honest mistakes. The leaders who get this right don’t choose between empathy or accountability. They insist on both.
2. “Brutal Honesty” Isn’t Honesty
Many of us have lived this cycle: someone misses expectations, we play nice for weeks, resentment builds, and then one day we snap. A sarcastic comment here. A sharp edge there. And when the relationship freezes over, we conclude, “Well… honesty doesn’t work.”
So we retreat back into silence. Those feel like the only two options: silent resentment or brutal honesty.
But here’s the problem—there’s nothing in the definition of honesty that requires brutality.
Brutal means harsh, punishing, or violent.
Honest means clear, specific, sincere.
There’s no ceiling on honesty. There is a ceiling on cruelty. Honesty builds safety. Cruelty kills it. As Joseph puts it in the book:
- When people feel safe, they’re more likely to embrace uncomfortable truth.
- When they embrace truth, they’re more likely to feel empathy for those they affect.
- And when they feel empathy, they’re more likely to take responsibility.
People don’t fear truth. They fear shame. When accountability triggers shame, people disconnect—not because they reject responsibility, but because they can’t stand how they feel about themselves in that moment.
Why This Matters for You as Trainers
You already know this content. You teach it. You live it. But rewriting this book reminded me why it matters so much.
This work was always about leadership—not just large-scale change, but the quiet, daily leadership that happens one conversation at a time. In classrooms. In kitchens. In offices. In communities. In families.
And if the road to success really is paved with mistakes well handled, then the skills you teach are more relevant than ever.
I’m deeply grateful to Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, Ron McMillan, and David Maxfield for trusting me as a coauthor. Grateful for Kerry Patterson, whose voice still echoes through this work. And grateful to all of you—who carry these ideas into the world every single day.
Thanks for being part of this journey with me.
