Dear Crucial Skills,
Last year I developed a severe drinking problem that negatively affected both my kids, especially my nine-year-old son. He stayed with his dad while I was in rehab. I’m clean and sober now, but he still won’t stay with me, and I’m crushed by this. How can I rebuild trust with him?
Signed,
Clean and Sad
Dear Clean and Sad,
Congratulations on regaining sobriety. The work you’re now doing with your kids is the next natural step in the growth you’ve begun.
Addictions are attempts to find a shortcut to normal problems of living. Every human being has an addiction or two. We can become addicted to anger, withdrawal, pleasing, drinking, drugs or adrenaline seeking—all in an attempt to crowd out feelings of anxiety, hurt, and vulnerability.
We try to escape the natural discomforts and pain of life in ways that produce short term relief but exact long-term costs.
You’ve spent the last year learning to deal with life on life’s terms without resorting to your shortcut. My friend Stephen Covey used to say, “You can’t talk yourself out of problems you’ve behaved yourself into.” Your problem with your nine-year-old is the natural consequence of how your past behavior affected him. He learned to mistrust you. The only path forward is for you to “behave your way out.” This is a next opportunity to deal with life on life’s terms.
There is no shortcut to trust-building. His very avoidance of you is evidence of how desperately he needs you… a trustworthy you. He wouldn’t be uncomfortable around you if you didn’t matter. Ironically, every day that you patiently honor his desire to avoid you, you rebuild trust. Avoiding you is his attempt to protect himself from repeated hurts of the past. Every time you graciously validate his needs, you rebuild an emotional bank account with him. He witnesses irrefutable evidence that his needs are more important to you than your wants. You want to be with him. You want his affection. You want a connection. But rather than demand what you want, he gets to see you willingly put his desire for emotional safety first. Waiting is working. Patience is powerful.
There will come a day, later than you wish but sooner than you fear, that he will run tentatively back into your arms. He will reach out as all children do for the approval and affection that biology craves. Let it come naturally, and it will come certainly.
Best wishes,
Joseph
Let it come naturally, and it will come certainly. That is another gem from you that will serve me in so many ways. Thank you!
Hope all’s well with you, dear Melanie!
Powerful advice and insight. thanks Joseph!
“every day that you patiently honor his desire to avoid you, you rebuild trust”… Thank you Joseph for making the invisible visible and for your sage advice, always.
Thank you, Nicole. My best to you.
This is great advice.
Thank you, Melissa.
What a loving and kind response from a very insightful and caring man!!
How does this work for separation anxiety? If my child demands that I stay with them because they are feeling anxious about me leaving, do I stay? Does this enable the perpetuate the anxiety or am I building trust?
Your insight and suggestions are so helpful. I’m rereading this for the third time. I’ve learned so much from your wisdom. Thank you Joseph!
Great advice for a living amends. Sometimes in sobriety like addiction we want, what we want, when we want it. And in addiction we walk 20 miles into the forest, it is the same 20 miles out. Recovery of relationships takes time. Thank you for your insight!
Wow Joseph! “He witnesses irrefutable evidence that his needs are more important to you than your wants.” This is unselfishness at its best and that the father respects where his son is currently at emotionally. Not an easy task but worth the wait. I have seen many resentments dissolve over time. This is something that only my age (time) has allowed me to see. Thank you!
Honoring the child’s need for safety is important. At the same time, if the parent goes silent while waiting for the irrefutable evidence to show up, then the son will think the parent no longer cares about the relationship. Wouldn’t the parent’s silence and absence be another wedge in the relationship?
How does one continue to communicate that she still cares and that it is not her intention to be an absent parent but, rather, to give the child space? How often should the parent test the waters to see if the child is ready for contact? What would the parent say to see if the child is ready?