Dear Crucial Skills,
I have a new supervisor (recently promoted) and we have a difficult history. Previously she trained me, but her training was inadequate, she overloaded me with work, she demanded I complete assignments faster and faster, and she said I was making excuses if I couldn’t. Tomorrow, we have our first one-on-one and I’m worried. I want to address these behaviors right away should they show up, but I want to do so with dignity and I’m not sure how.
Signed,
Déjà vu
Dear Déjà vu,
You’ve got three options.
1. Do What You Did Before
While you didn’t say it, I assume you never fully addressed these patterns with her when she was your trainer. I infer that because you’re still holding these resentments and injustices. Had you fully addressed it and agreed on some accommodations, you wouldn’t be feeling the dread you currently express.
If you do the same this time, you won’t start fresh, and her first transgression will resurface all the old unfinished business. Your emotional response will begin where you left off.
2. Wait for a Repeat
Option two is to address the problem, but not until the old pattern reemerges. The problem with this approach is that you are at risk of holding the wrong conversation.
There are three types of Crucial Conversations you occasionally need to have: Content, Pattern, and Relationship. Content conversations are about an issue that just occurred. Pattern conversations are about repeated instances of some concern. And Relationship conversations are about deeper concerns with trust, competence, or respect. For the sake of instruction, I’ll call your concerns with your new supervisor Pattern problems. It could be that you’d call it a Relationship issue because you lost trust or felt disrespected, but for now, I won’t assume that. I’ll simply assume that she had a pattern of inadequately training you, overloading you, then trying to rush you.
A common mistake is to wait for new content concerns to happen when you already have a pattern conversation to hold. In other words, you already know you don’t like the way she dealt with workload concerns. If you say nothing when she first becomes your supervisor, but instead wait for her to do it again, the conversation will be a muddle between all the old grievances and the new situation.
It’s usually better to talk about pattern problems without the distraction of a recent incident. That’s why I recommend option 3.
3. Proactively Address Your Unfinished Business
Arrange for some 1:1 time with your new boss. Let her know that your goal is to have a wonderful and productive working relationship. As you begin, take responsibility for not having addressed your unfinished business. For example, you could say: “When we worked together before there were some things that didn’t work well for me. I must guess it’s the same for you. I want to be a great employee for you, and I want to have a great experience doing it. Could we have a candid review of what worked and what didn’t for both of us so we could do better this time?”
Obviously, there are risks with this approach. But there are risks with not doing it as well. If you believe there’s a high likelihood that the future will resemble the past, it would be wise to consider a gracious chance to reset the relationship like this.
I wish you the best in the months and years ahead.
Warmly,
Joseph
I like and agree with JG’s approach. Wait for a repeat. Maybe they have had some feedback and have improved? Maybe not. You won’t know until you see how they work with you.
If they do, then it’s time for a CC to clear the air. If the air refuses to clear, time to move on.
George, it appears that Joseph was explaining the three options but recommending #3.
“If you say nothing when she first becomes your supervisor, but instead wait for her to do it again, the conversation will be a muddle between all the old grievances and the new situation…….It’s usually better to talk about pattern problems without the distraction of a recent incident. That’s why I recommend option 3.”
If you’re comfortable with option 2, I wonder if you’ve thought of how you would bridge a conversation if a repeat “offense” arises?
I like Option #3. If you choose #2 the feelings may be escalated from the Pattern repeat. Thanks for sharing this advice Mr Grenny.
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This is difficult.
It looks like the “deja vu” has always been in the under-dog position. Taking only the data presented, the person was deja’s trainer, therefore “above” them in the pecking order, expertise and and likely longevity. Promotion to a supervisory role indicates (with possible error) that “trainer” is succeeding in going where the employer/company wants to go.
This leads to a the question: Does deja belong in the company? If deja had problems with trainer’s introduction to the company, then deja is likely to have continued problems and needs consider whether their future and the company’s future together is healthy.