Dear Crucial Skills,

As an introvert, I aim to keep my communication simple, clear, and to the point. I typically speak up only when it feels necessary, which I view as a form of assertiveness. However, others often perceive me as someone who stays quiet or avoids conflict, leading to an impression of me as “nice” rather than “assertive and kind.” How can I build true assertiveness and shift this perception without compromising my natural communication style?

Signed,
Introverted

Dear Introverted,

You say you see yourself as assertive, but that others see you as “nice.” Are you intuiting what others think, or have you received direct feedback?

If you believe you’re assertive but have decided you should change because you sense others expect something different of you, you’ve hit upon the essence of your question.

Changing your behavior to gain approval from others or to rid yourself of feeling criticized will undermine your assertiveness, not contribute to it.

I’m not suggesting you should dismiss input from others. We’re all self-deluded in ways, and we depend on the social mirror to gain a clearer view of ourselves.

I raise this point only because your question is about becoming more assertive, but it’s tainted with concern over how others see you. Ponder that if it feels pertinent.

But, for the purpose of my response, I will assume you have (1) received open and direct feedback and (2) are persuaded by the feedback and personally motivated to change.

Uncover Your Beliefs

First, get clear on what’s driving you.

This will require some introspection. Our habits are evidence of deep-seated and often unconscious beliefs. Unpacking the belief is key to changing the behavior.

To do that, you’ll need to identify what you gain—or once gained—by withholding your perspective. What is the reward? Is it a sense of safety? Avoidance of responsibility? Social approval?

You might discover a bundle of rewards. And behind that reward is some story or belief that will have developed sometime in your past. Often when we find ourselves stuck in unproductive, ineffective, or self-destructive behaviors, it’s not because we lack the willpower to change; it’s because we haven’t sufficiently unpacked the beliefs steering our behavior.

For example, a child may learn to withdraw and withhold in an emotionally unstable home environment, concluding that emotional vulnerability isn’t safe. This may serve the child well given the context—it protects them. Later in adulthood, however, it can be disastrous for their intimate relationships.

So, you need to make the unconscious conscious. When you’ve identified the beliefs contributing to your current tendencies, you can begin to revise them.

Revise Your Beliefs

Perhaps the surest sign you’ve successfully unpacked the beliefs contributing to your current behavior is the realization that they simply aren’t true. This is the universal experience of therapy and of growth. Behind our ineffective behaviors we discover beliefs that are at odds with our conscious values, the outcomes we want, and the demands of our current reality. Life is requiring you to change.

You may need to revise your beliefs about communication and assertiveness. You may need to revise your beliefs about yourself. It’s impossible for me to guess what direction you might go here because your revisions will depend on what you uncover.

You might, for example, reassess the priority you give to the opinion of others. Insecurity prioritizes approval above all else, while assertiveness prioritizes respect. While both are mindful of others’ feelings, only one is self-sacrificial.

Or you might reconsider your beliefs about being introverted. Introversion and extraversion have no bearing on whether you can be assertive.

While being “nice” is not effective, neither is being mean. There are extraverts who, like some introverts, can be insecure and communicate poorly. They speak up from the fear of silence. They lead from the fear of ambiguity. They assert themselves from the fear of disagreement and rejection, and the results are dismal.

Likewise, you can be introverted and assertive, even influential and inspiring.

Perhaps the beliefs you uncover won’t relate to this at all. I’m merely trying to give you examples of what you might uncover and how you might revise.

Enlist a Coach

In addition to doing this internal work, seek the ongoing feedback of one person who can observe and coach you. Choose someone who demonstrates the kind of communication you’d (1) like to get good at and (2) believe you’re capable of.

It’s important you see this person as a paragon of the kind of communication you aspire to. While anyone can provide perspective—and it sounds like your peers already have—you will better trust and incorporate the feedback from someone who exemplifies the behavior you want to develop.

Keep a Journal of Your Interactions

All meaningful efforts at self-improvement are littered with failure. That’s the nature of change. Keep a log of your interactions, noting those times when you do and don’t share your perspective assertively. You will need to become an observer of your own behavior, and keeping a journal is a good way to do that.

Study and Practice

It goes without saying you’ll need to learn verbal skills and practice what you learn. I’m sure there are a thousand book titles on the art of assertive communication. Our own courses in communication would benefit you greatly. Commit yourself to learning, and permit yourself to make mistakes as you do.

As you make this effort, you’ll find that the more you respectfully reveal your viewpoints, the more you will get reflected back to you. That is the nature of dialogue and engagement. It is through vulnerable and respectful transparency that we increase our influence and connection with others. And as you see better results from your new behaviors, it will reinforce the new beliefs.

All the best,
Ryan