Dear Crucial Skills,
My fifteen-year-old daughter and my husband are constantly at each other. He tells her to clean her room, and she doesn’t. He asks her to help around the house, she snaps. Then he retaliates. She talks angrily, and when I point this out, she responds with, “That’s how I talk!” He says she’s rude and disrespectful, and she says the same about him. Both feel disrespected, and it’s like they hate each other. She wants to move out when she turns sixteen, and I’m scared for her. The same thing happened with my first daughter when I was in another relationship. What can I do?
Signed,
Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Parenting. Is there a greater paradox? To love and care for and give your life for a child, but at the same time often experience frustration, anger, and even, occasionally, straight-up dislike for that same person?
From Adam’s troubles with Cain down to the present day, parents have struggled to communicate and influence their children, including many great leaders in history. As a father of five children, I have also grappled with how to teach my children qualities they’ll need as they grow older, including responsibility, hard work, and respect. Yet those same lessons seem to be the ones that create the most animosity towards us as parents; I’ve often felt stuck between the rock of instilling character and the hard place of being liked.
You’ve mostly described your challenges with your daughter in regard to her relationship with your husband, though from the example you give of personally trying to correct her, I assume there’s friction between the two of you as well. As another daughter left your home previously, I think it’s fair for you to ponder what actions are the common denominator with both daughters feeling the same way? All three of you appear to have some level of responsibility in how your family dynamics currently stand.
As you seek to tone down the heat in your relationships and help others do the same, here are a few ideas to keep in mind.
First, start with your own intent. What do you (and your husband) want most? Is it a clean bedroom, or is it more love and harmony? While eventually you’d like to have both, as you’re seeking to re-establish trust with your daughter it’s important for you to be laser focused on what matters most. Don’t slip into the trap of letting the emotions of a current frustration thwart the more important goals you have for the relationship.
Second, once you know what matters most, let your daughter know (and help your husband to also express) what that is. Be open and vulnerable. At first, you may expect to hear from her something like, “well, it doesn’t feel like it!” but stating your good intent is the first hammer stroke you can take to break the hard shell that’s formed around your relationship.
Next, apologize. This will likely take some sacrifice on your part—you’ve been hurt, and your daughter has likely said and done some inappropriate things. But again, focus on what you really want. Your apology now is the second hammer stroke that will begin to soften hearts and open up dialogue.
Finally, explore your daughter’s path. Just as you’ve shared your intent and what is most important to you in the relationship, give her space to do so as well. Not all of what she says or wants will be rational or even possible, but when people feel heard and seen they are more likely to consider compromises. Be curious and be patient. It will likely take time for your daughter to open up. But as you consistently express your interest, acknowledge her emotions, and give space for her point of view, safety will take the place of fear and mistrust, creating an opening to discuss how to build up a healthier relationship.
A few months ago, I went into my son’s bedroom and found that not only had he not cleaned his room, he’d also lied about it… again. What I wanted to do was yell at him, punish him, and let out all my frustration and anger from what I felt was his disrespect towards me. And I had done that before, which led to tears, slammed doors, and hurt feelings on both sides.
But this time I stepped back and remembered: this is my son. My boy who I love and want to succeed more than anything. So, I told him that. We talked about how having love and respect for one another was ultimately what mattered most to us, but that both of our actions were clouding that love. I apologized and asked him what I could do to help him remember to clean his room. We also discussed what actions we should take when he fell short that would help rather than shame him.
I would wager you, your husband, and your daughter all want the same things my son and I want—respect and love. As you take these steps I’ve described, your daughter may distrust your actions at first, but keep at it! As you focus on what matters most, apologize, and explore her path, I believe your good intent for her will shine through and her heart, in turn, will soften. Disagreements will likely still happen, but you can work through them from the foundation of love and purpose you’ve built brick by brick.
Jordan
The first thing, your husband has to stop what he is doing. Right now, if he says the sky is blue, she is going to say it’s black. It’s a more of a personality thing then being a father and daughter that are fighting. It’s his tone when asking, his body language. Sounds like a lot of negativities. Have a sit down with the 3 of you. Not to hash out why they are fighting, but to list the likes and dislikes of what is going on between them. Just sit down and hang out and see what is up. It’s the age your daughter is going through. The fighting needs to stop and the anger. It’s not getting either one anywhere. Both husband and daughter are stubborn.
Jordan,
I feel every word of your advice and especially your signature quote “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” I have spent much time in the same boat as “Caught in the Middle” It took the same reflection you described asking myself, “What are my motives?” and “What are my actions telling my son about my motives?”. In addition I also had to reflect on how I felt toward my husband. I had let my disappointment in his reactions cloud my feelings for and about him. For a while I justified my responses with the victim thought of “Why do I always have to apologize for him?” or “I shouldn’t have to be the only one acting like an adult here”. My self justifying thoughts lead me to feel resentment and distance in all of my family relationships. It wasn’t until I could ask myself the corrective questions that I realized that I was definitely contributing to the problem.
Now that I have my motives in the right place and recognize my part in the downward spiral I was in, I’m able to catch things when they slip and help my husband see how we both need to be purposeful and thoughtful before reacting. Keeping a generous view of our son and guarding against falling back into the patterns of labeling and limiting our view of him is my new goal. I am also constantly checking that my actions are aligning with my true motive and expressing that motive regularly to my son while also checking in with him and getting to know him better as he grows into his own value system. It’s made a huge difference in just a few short months with my son and our relationship. There’s a lot more trust and respect all around. And most of all peace and love in our home again.
One person really can make a difference!
So glad you’ve seen improvement! It’s not an easy thing you’ve done; you should be proud of yourself. I hope you find continued success.
With teenagers, it is so helpful to genuinely ask questions before rushing into anger. “Hey, I noticed that your room is still a mess – what is going on? Are you having some difficulties at school?” They will probably still give an excuse, but if you start with caring – then offering solutions (or consequences) can be a discussion rathe than an argument
Absolutely. Refraining from rushing to judgment is important.
I appreciate the gentle and thoughtful perspective, Jordan. Thank you.
Totally agree with this advice. The relationship is the important thing. As children become teenagers, parents’ roles have to evolve: less disciplinarian, more coach.
Bunch of red flags came up for me with the parenting here; my guess is this is (unintentional) child abuse. I’d recommend both parents go to therapy to help them manage the stress of parenting, and remember that being a parent is not being in equal relationship with your child! You have responsibilities to support and nurture them that they don’t toward you. A messy room is so inconsequential to these bigger problems.
Thanks, Jordan, for the thoughtful advice. In addition to what you shared about intent, these two self-reflection questions have helped me and my teen daughter transform what was once a tumultuous relationship — they act as an instant pause button in heated moments:
“What do my actions say about my intent?”
“Am I modeling the way I want my child to engage with me?”
“Caught in the middle.” I’ve been there. Practicing greater self-awareness and self-regulation was a game changer.
The fact that you’re seeking support in this forum already shows you’re moving in the right direction. Wishing you all the best on this journey!