Dear Crucial Skills,

My fifteen-year-old daughter and my husband are constantly at each other. He tells her to clean her room, and she doesn’t. He asks her to help around the house, she snaps. Then he retaliates. She talks angrily, and when I point this out, she responds with, “That’s how I talk!” He says she’s rude and disrespectful, and she says the same about him. Both feel disrespected, and it’s like they hate each other. She wants to move out when she turns sixteen, and I’m scared for her. The same thing happened with my first daughter when I was in another relationship. What can I do?

Signed,
Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

Parenting. Is there a greater paradox? To love and care for and give your life for a child, but at the same time often experience frustration, anger, and even, occasionally, straight-up dislike for that same person? 

From Adam’s troubles with Cain down to the present day, parents have struggled to communicate and influence their children, including many great leaders in history. As a father of five children, I have also grappled with how to teach my children qualities they’ll need as they grow older, including responsibility, hard work, and respect. Yet those same lessons seem to be the ones that create the most animosity towards us as parents; I’ve often felt stuck between the rock of instilling character and the hard place of being liked.

You’ve mostly described your challenges with your daughter in regard to her relationship with your husband, though from the example you give of personally trying to correct her, I assume there’s friction between the two of you as well. As another daughter left your home previously, I think it’s fair for you to ponder what actions are the common denominator with both daughters feeling the same way? All three of you appear to have some level of responsibility in how your family dynamics currently stand.

As you seek to tone down the heat in your relationships and help others do the same, here are a few ideas to keep in mind.

First, start with your own intent. What do you (and your husband) want most? Is it a clean bedroom, or is it more love and harmony? While eventually you’d like to have both, as you’re seeking to re-establish trust with your daughter it’s important for you to be laser focused on what matters most. Don’t slip into the trap of letting the emotions of a current frustration thwart the more important goals you have for the relationship.

Second, once you know what matters most, let your daughter know (and help your husband to also express) what that is. Be open and vulnerable. At first, you may expect to hear from her something like, “well, it doesn’t feel like it!” but stating your good intent is the first hammer stroke you can take to break the hard shell that’s formed around your relationship.

Next, apologize. This will likely take some sacrifice on your part—you’ve been hurt, and your daughter has likely said and done some inappropriate things. But again, focus on what you really want. Your apology now is the second hammer stroke that will begin to soften hearts and open up dialogue.

Finally, explore your daughter’s path. Just as you’ve shared your intent and what is most important to you in the relationship, give her space to do so as well. Not all of what she says or wants will be rational or even possible, but when people feel heard and seen they are more likely to consider compromises. Be curious and be patient. It will likely take time for your daughter to open up. But as you consistently express your interest, acknowledge her emotions, and give space for her point of view, safety will take the place of fear and mistrust, creating an opening to discuss how to build up a healthier relationship.

A few months ago, I went into my son’s bedroom and found that not only had he not cleaned his room, he’d also lied about it… again. What I wanted to do was yell at him, punish him, and let out all my frustration and anger from what I felt was his disrespect towards me. And I had done that before, which led to tears, slammed doors, and hurt feelings on both sides.

But this time I stepped back and remembered: this is my son. My boy who I love and want to succeed more than anything. So, I told him that. We talked about how having love and respect for one another was ultimately what mattered most to us, but that both of our actions were clouding that love. I apologized and asked him what I could do to help him remember to clean his room. We also discussed what actions we should take when he fell short that would help rather than shame him.

I would wager you, your husband, and your daughter all want the same things my son and I want—respect and love. As you take these steps I’ve described, your daughter may distrust your actions at first, but keep at it! As you focus on what matters most, apologize, and explore her path, I believe your good intent for her will shine through and her heart, in turn, will soften. Disagreements will likely still happen, but you can work through them from the foundation of love and purpose you’ve built brick by brick.

Jordan