Dear Crucial Skills,
My wife recently looked at cemetery plots for the two of us. She wants us to be buried alongside her family. When I told her I don’t want to be buried, she took that as a personal rejection. How can I discuss end-of-life planning with her without causing her to shut down?
Signed,
Tiptoeing
Dear Tiptoeing,
Have you asked her that question?
It might sound simple, but sometimes the best way to start a hard conversation is just to ask, “How can we talk about this in a way that works for you?” From what you shared, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had that kind of conversation yet—and that’s okay. But it’s a great place to begin.
One tool you can use to sort through tricky conversations is CPR—which stands for Content, Pattern or Process, and Relationship. (It’s also what your relationship might need if these talks keep going sideways.) CPR helps you figure out what kind of conversation you actually need to have.
We typically start our conversations with Content—the immediate issue at hand. In this case, that might be whether you want to be buried or not, where you’ll be buried, or your preferences for end-of-life planning.
But many difficult conversations aren’t really about content. They’re about Pattern or Process. A pattern conversation is appropriate when an issue or behavior keeps recurring and isn’t being resolved. For example, your teenage son keeps coming home past curfew despite repeatedly committing to be home on time. That’s when you need to have a conversation about pattern—not why he came home late last night but about the pattern of breaking curfew.
I don’t see that you have a pattern issue here, but you could benefit from a process conversation. In a process conversation, we talk about how we are talking, and how we could do it better.
Instead of diving back into the burial debate, try stepping back and saying something like:
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about the last time we talked about end-of-life stuff. I really want us to be able to figure this out together, and I noticed it got a little bumpy. I wasn’t trying to reject you or your family—I think we might just need a better way to talk about it. I’d love some feedback. How can we talk about tough issues like this in a way that works better for you?”
When you do that, you’re not dodging the topic. You’re just laying the groundwork so the conversation doesn’t end in tears or passive-aggressive casserole-making.
Now, don’t be surprised if she tries to steer the conversation straight back into the content. That’s totally normal. If she says something like, “I just want to be buried next to you, and that’s why I got upset,” you can gently redirect:
“I hear you. That’s clearly really important to you—and we’ll talk about it. What I am wondering is, when we do talk about it and we probably have different perspectives, how do we talk about those different perspectives in a way that doesn’t cause either of us to shut down or lash out?”
That redirection might take a few tries. (Pro tip: snacks help.) But it’s worth it. Because once you both feel safe and heard, the actual decisions get a whole lot easier.
Now, to complete the acronym, the R of CPR stands for Relationship. Sometimes, the content, pattern, or process issues we face have become intense or entrenched enough that they impact how we relate to one another. We begin to question competence, trust, and even the relationship itself. Gratefully, it doesn’t sound like you are at that stage.
Final tip: be patient. These conversations are tender. They touch on grief, identity, legacy, and love. So give each other a little grace. If you start by talking about how to talk, you’ll build the trust you need to talk about almost anything.
I don’t know the best way to work it into the initial discussion, but I think it would also be good to make it clear that this isn’t an invitation to change his mind. I’ve had many sensitive conversations about my decision to not have children. When I tried the approach of a thoughtful, respectful discussion (similar to the one outlined here) people took that as a sign that I could be swayed. I learned to state upfront that I’m happy to talk about my decision as long as they understand I’m not asking to be convinced otherwise.
He needs to put forward his position in soft manner, away from the sit down conversation.
She needs to know where he is coming from and what is important to him before the sit down conversation.
At the sit down conversation, then try to marry both views the best possible way.
If she does not know where he is coming from, it will be hard for her to converge without feeling pushed.
I call it warming her up about your views before hand.
Gathering more information as far as available options might be helpful.
If you don’t want to be buried (or specifically in ground?), that seems to indicate you might prefer cremation.
You can be cremated and although rules vary from state to state and by venues, most cemeteries allow an in-ground burial plot to have one other person’s cremains to be placed in the same spot. A dual headstone or flat marker (if a memorial park) might be allowed or a second smaller marker further down from the buried individual’s marker.
Maybe you are repulsed or fearful at the thought of being in the ground, maybe you want your ashes scattered. Maybe she is repulsed at the idea of hanging onto someone’s ashes. Maybe you could scatter some and bury some.
There are many options available and plenty of room for compromise, so it would be helpful to speak to several types of organizations that perform final arrangements, including her family’s cemetery. Seeing the many choices might enlighten you to seeing that it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition.