Dear Crucial Skills,
My boss talks a lot about creating psychological safety, but honestly, I feel uncomfortable in a lot of our conversations. They feel awkward, sometimes tense, and not very safe. How do I deal with what feels like hypocrisy from my her?
Signed,
Feeling Uncomfortable
Dear Feeling Uncomfortable,
First, I want to acknowledge something upfront—I’m somewhat limited here. I’m not in the room. I can’t access facial expressions, tone, or context. And I don’t know what you’re bringing to those conversations either.
But here’s what I will say: Most people misunderstand psychological safety. We tend to think psychological safety means feeling comfortable, affirmed, or good in conversations.
Amy Edmondson, a Harvard Business School professor who’s done a lot of the foundational work on this topic, defines psychological safety as a belief that you won’t be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes. In other words, the team is a safe place for interpersonal risk-taking.
Notice what’s NOT in her definition: comfort.
Psychological safety doesn’t remove discomfort. It removes defensiveness. You can be in a conversation that feels awkward, tense, even a little uncomfortable and still be psychologically safe. I’ve had plenty of those—when asking for a raise or hearing some hard feedback from colleagues, for example. The difference between safety and comfort often depends on whether I trust the other person’s intent.
That’s the key idea here: Psychological safety is about intent, not content. People rarely get defensive because of what you’re saying. They get defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.
If I believe your intent is to punish me or make yourself look good at my expense—I’m going to shut down or get defensive. But if I believe your intent is to learn, get results, or help me succeed, I’ll stay in the conversation, even if it’s uncomfortable.
So back to your situation. It’s possible you’re not just feeling discomfort—you may actually be experiencing a lack of safety. If your boss hasn’t done enough through her words and deeds to help you believe her intent is good, then yes, that can feel hypocritical.
But it’s also possible this isn’t a safety issue—it’s a comfort issue. If you fundamentally believe your boss wants good outcomes, wants you to succeed, and is trying (possibly imperfectly), then the discomfort you’re feeling may simply be the realities that come from raw, honest conversations. And that’s not something you can always eliminate, nor should you want to. There’s a decent chance she has good intent—she may just be struggling to make it clear. And she wouldn’t be the only one. Most of us struggle with that.
So what if you’re realizing the issue isn’t safety—it’s that the conversation just feels uncomfortable? Part of the answer is simple, but not easy: you build your capacity for it.
Anything worth building—whether it’s a muscle, skill, or a relationship—requires some level of discomfort if it’s going to last. I’m reminded of a line from A League of Their Own. When Dottie says playing baseball had gotten too hard, Jimmy Dugan responds, “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard…is what makes it great.”
Hard conversations work the same way. The discomfort isn’t a sign something’s wrong—it’s often a sign something important is happening. Let the discomfort play out. Sit back thoughtfully. Don’t react. Just ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” and “How am I going to get better because of this moment?”
So when you think about psychological safety, remember: the goal isn’t comfort. If you feel uncomfortable but see no signs of disrespect or mal-intent, remember that honest dialogue is often uncomfortable. As I said at the start, I’m not in these conversations with you and your boss—so you make the call. Perhaps your boss could learn to better clarify good intent, and perhaps you could improve your capacity to have conversations that feel uncomfortable. Imagine what you could talk about then. 🙂
Justin
