Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m in a crisis with my husband. For years we have been at each other, and I’d like to change that. I only recently learned how to set a boundary—and I’m 55—but I’m struggling to hold a boundary with my husband around name-calling. I don’t want him to call me names, but stopping the argument or refusing to engage feels confrontational and counterproductive, even selfish. How can I set boundaries with him without making matters worse?

Signed,
Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty,

While I believe there is no place for name-calling in any relationship, I’ve also lived enough to understand that sometimes love and name-calling coexist. I’m sorry!

For the sake of my response, I’m going to assume that (1) you have already asked your husband to stop calling you names and yet he persists, and (2) your relationship is currently unhealthy but not unsafe.

I hear two issues in your question: one involves communicating a boundary, the other involves loving yourself enough to hold it.

You are unlikely to successfully uphold a boundary without developing the inward love necessary to sustain it, and that entails a journey of personal growth.

Let’s start there.

Develop the Boundary

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves and others in relationships. They can be either boons to growth and connection, or they can be barriers to them. They function as barriers when masked as self-respect but motivated by a desire to criticize, punish, or change the other person. They function as boons to growth and connection only when rooted in love.

Knowing the difference can be tricky because we are so capable of deceiving ourselves, especially when in conflict. We think we operate from one motive when in fact we are driven by another. How many punish their partners with the silent treatment in the name of boundaries!

Your challenge is to develop and hold a boundary that bolsters love rather than blocks it, and you can only do that by growing in love yourself.

Work on Yourself First

You say you feel selfish when you stop an argument with your spouse or refuse to engage. Identifying why will be critical to your growth.

Take some inventory. Examine the beliefs that contribute to your prevailing behaviors and feelings. Are they grounded in fears, resentments, past experiences, childhood trauma? Uncover and address these matters. Therapy and/or a spiritual practice can help in this area, and may be necessary.

Developing the love sufficient to hold your boundaries is your journey, but I will share with you something that has been part of mine.

The psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” It is my experience that our capacity to accept ourselves just as we are increases in step with our willingness to accept others just as they are and forgive past hurts.

I’m not necessarily referring to your husband (though he should be included). The acceptance and forgiveness I speak of pertain to your whole life. Never have I experienced a greater capacity to love myself and others without humility, acceptance, and forgiveness—and I tend only to experience those after resistance, suffering, and, finally, surrendering. Please consider this as you continue on your journey of growth.

Focus on What You Really Want

Setting a boundary is, in a sense, a gamble. It is the willingness to risk relationship—or at least the willingness to suffer the unpleasant consequences that might follow.

While it is a frightening proposition, you must accept that a boundary can lead to the loss of relationship. More often it means temporary exposure to various forms of adult tantrums. And thankfully, if done well, it often leads to increased respect, trust, connection and intimacy.

We become willing to make this gamble when our current pain exceeds the fear of change. This marks the beginning of growth. In other words, you have two challenging options before you: living with the pain of name-calling, or embracing the risks associated with putting a stop to it.

What do you want long term? Get clear on the path that offers the best potential for the kind of relationship you ultimately want and commit to it.

Set the Boundary

To set a healthy boundary, you simply need to express your self-regard—with respect for the other person.

Have the Right Conversation

Perhaps the best time to communicate boundaries is when they are first crossed, in which case you would do so when the infraction occurs. But longstanding issues of disrespect constitute a relationship issue, so set a time with your husband to discuss your boundary. Don’t spring it on him in the middle of an argument. Also, tell him what you want to discuss—don’t leave him guessing.

“Honey, I’ve been concerned with how we communicate, and I’d like to discuss it together. When would be a good time for us to talk?”

Share Your Good Intent

When you sit down, start by sharing your good intent. Make it clear that your boundary is about love and growth. If you lead with, “I’m not willing to talk if you call me names,” your partner could hear, “I’ve given up on the relationship and you no longer matter to me.” So, be sure to convey the love you’ve been developing.

“I want a healthier relationship with you because I love you, and I believe healthier communication can improve our relationship. I want to talk about how we speak to each other during disagreements.”

Be honest with how you are affected by the name-calling, and why you are no longer willing to tolerate it. Explain what you will do when it occurs.

“When you call me names during a disagreement, I feel demeaned and disrespected, which only harms our relationship. From now on, if you call me names during a disagreement, I will excuse myself from the conversation. Not because I’m trying to change you, but because I’ve changed.”

Your partner may feel this is a coercive effort to change him and respond defensively. Should that happen, you should (1) reassure him of your good intent and (2) demonstrate your commitment to the boundary if necessary.

Hold the Boundary

If a boundary can’t be sustained, it will be reduced to a threat and quickly become ineffective. Have a course of action for when your partner calls you names. One obvious course of action is to excuse yourself with a promise to return to the conversation—an hour later, a day later, whatever—on the condition your boundary is honored.

Make Clear the Consequences

If he calls you names, remind him of the boundary, ask him to respect it, then uphold your commitment.

“We agreed we wouldn’t call each other names. Will you please stop that?”

If the name-calling continues: “I’m going to excuse myself now. I’m unwilling to discuss issues unless we both can do so without calling each other names. Let’s try again later tonight.”

If this proves ineffective, you may need to identify additional actions you will take—not to punish him, but to distance yourself from the behavior you are unwilling to live with.

Reiterate Your Good Intent with Contrasting Statements

Reiterate your motives for growth and love when you hold your boundary. It will take time for these changes to register. A contrasting statement can help. Clarify what you don’t intend against what you do intend.

For example, “I’m going to excuse myself now. Let’s try again in an hour. I don’t want to avoid communication; I want to ensure we communicate with respect, even when we’re feeling emotional or upset.”

Or, “Let’s pause this conversation and try again tomorrow. I’m not trying to ignore or disregard you; I’m trying to establish new ways of communicating because I respect myself, I love you, and I want us to have a healthier relationship.”

Boundaries Are about Love—or Should Be

I believe the principal thing that will help you set healthy boundaries with your spouse is a commitment to your own growth and whatever spiritual or psychological work you must do to foster it. More important than what you learn to say will be learning to love yourself without feeling selfish for doing so.

Finally, why should I emphasize your need for love when he is calling you names. Because defensiveness begets defensiveness, and love begets love. He will feel the difference. Your boundary must be part of a personal initiative toward a greater capacity for love—for both yourself and your husband—if it is to have good effect.

Keep going. You’re on the right path.

Ryan