Dear Crucial Skills,

How can I maintain a healthy relationship with my partner when political discussions consistently escalate into verbal abuse? While we have an otherwise loving relationship, his angry reactions to my political views are damaging our communication. His views lean one way, and I lean the other, and if we discuss politics it turns into him cutting me off, digging into his views, and calling me stupid and other names. What can I do?

Signed,
Punished for My Political Viewpoints

Dear Punished,

One approach would be to call him stupid and then fume about it on social media or with friends at lunch. Of course, I’m kidding, but how many of us do exactly that?

Believe it or not, your conflict is not about politics; it’s about how you talk. If you want to have a productive Crucial Conversation and address the friction between the two of you, you need to talk at the right level. Let me explain.

The instant you open your mouth to hold a Crucial Conversation, you decide what topic to address. You need to choose to talk about the most pressing issue that will help you get unstuck. Here’s the skill: C-P-R.

The first is C, Content. This is the immediate pain or problem. In your case the content is the most recent episode where he called your ideas stupid. One of the most basic mistakes we make in crucial moments is to debate the content long after content is the issue.

Then there’s P, Pattern. Now the conflict isn’t about what just happened, it’s that what just happened has happened numerous times before—it’s a pattern. In your case, clearly your partner has a habit of acting this way when you talk politics. If so, this is a pattern problem and should be addressed that way.

Finally, there is R, Relationship. This is the most important kind of Crucial Conversation to hold and the one we often fail to address: the relationship conversation. This is a must when the concern is no longer only about what just happened or that it has happened numerous times, but also about a fundamental relationship concern: dealing with trust and respect. In your case, the issue is that you don’t feel respected by your partner. The way he speaks about your views makes you feel insulted and hurt. That’s a trust and respect issue.

We tend to confuse two critical questions to our own detriment. First, what should we discuss? And second, how in the world will we ever discuss it well? One of the reasons we don’t address the right topic is because we confuse the what and how questions. Before you open your mouth, stop and honestly consider: what is the topic I need to address? Only then can you ask the question How can I bring it up in a way that it improves the relationship?

Give Respect, and Demand It

As long as the world goes round there will be people with opinions different from our own. That will never change. We can fight it and get mad about it, or we can focus on giving respect to others who have different views. We can listen and ask questions. We can try to understand why they think the way they do. We can avoid labels like “radical ideology” or “fascist” or “communist.” None of this means you are waving the white flag on your views. Respect does not equate to agreement.

We can also require, even demand respect from others. You should feel comfortable sharing your views honestly in front of people you love without feeling like you’ll be ridiculed for your views. If you fear being honest, that’s a sign of an unhealthy norm in the relationship. Real respect in a relationship is tested when it’s hard to give. It’s easy to give respect when someone thinks just like you and wants exactly what you want. But in moments like yours, when a partner’s thinking is very different form your own, that’s when respect is needed more than ever. It’s when the quality of your care for each other truly reveals itself.

Hold Your Boundaries

I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to talk politics anymore with your partner. I’m not going to suggest you do or don’t. But if you decide you want to, hold boundaries on how you are treated. The moment he calls you a name or disrespects you, call it out, express that the conversation has now turned hurtful and personal, and then ask if he wants to change his approach and keeping talking politics or if he wants to change the subject. You don’t have to put up with being talked to in that way.  You could say, “You just called my idea moronic and that doesn’t work for me. It feels like you are moving from debating a topic to dismissing my thoughts by calling me names. If you want to keep doing that, let’s change the subject. What would you like to do?”

In the end, talking politics may just have to be off the table for a while until the two of you reach a point where you can disagree civilly. Keep talking about HOW to talk—pattern, relationship—before diving back into your political discussions.

Justin