Dear Crucial Skills,
I have a coworker who dominates nearly every conversation. She is outspoken, brash, and often has no filter. Sometimes the things she says are uncomfortably candid. I don’t think she is a bad person, but I often find myself drained after speaking with her. How should I approach this?
Signed,
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
It sounds like your colleague is insensitive but not ill-intended. She doesn’t follow the same rules of politeness that you do. That puts a burden on you in two ways.
- It requires you to be more aware of your tendency to take offense when it isn’t intended.
- It makes you more responsible for demanding airtime that other people naturally grant you.
I once had a dear friend who was a “long talker.” I’ll call him Patrick. At times, just out of intellectual curiosity, I would let him run to see how long he could go before noticing that I hadn’t said a word. I never found his limit. Never. And I loved him. Patrick was brilliant, curious about the world, and had a great sense of humor.
In the early months of our relationship, I felt a lot of resentment during his monologues. Sometimes it was out of sheer practicality. I had other things to do, and he would literally never stop. I found myself hiding from Patrick when I spotted him on a walk in my neighborhood. I’d feel interested when our conversations began, but twenty minutes in I’d feel resentful and angry. And exhausted.
Until I learned why.
Conversations can produce two kinds of exhaustion: productive and resentful. Productive exhaustion follows prolonged and intense intellectual engagement. You engage in taxing interpersonal work and leave feeling tired but exhilarated.
The second kind of exhaustion is the result of protracted falseness. It happens when you’re taxed not just by the conversation, but by a secondary effort to present emotions you don’t truly feel. For example, acting patient when you feel resentful; acting interested when you’re mentally checked out; acting serene when you feel disrespected.
I don’t say any of this to place blame on you. You’re doing these things because you’re following the “politeness” rules you’re accustomed to. Those rules are productive when both parties play by them. But with her, you’re trying to play Parcheesi on a Monopoly board. It doesn’t work, and it leaves you feeling confused and frustrated.
One discovery transformed my relationship with Patrick. I suspect it may have value for you, too.
The lesson: If others don’t follow your typical rules of politeness, you don’t have to either.
Patrick didn’t play by the “turn-taking” rule of conversation. His implicit rule was, “If you want airtime, take it.” I learned to stop expecting him to take responsibility for my needs in our conversations. Resentment is a sign you aren’t holding boundaries. And suppressed resentment produces exhaustion. The solution isn’t to get better at demanding others to take responsibility for your needs, it’s remembering that your needs were always your responsibility.
One day I tried something different with Patrick. He had already launched into a fascinating reminiscence from his life when I said, without waiting for a pause, “Patrick, I’ve got 15 minutes to talk.” He nodded and continued his story. And I loved it. At 13 minutes I announced, “I’ve got two minutes more.” At that point he launched an entirely new subplot of his story. My stomach began to churn. My heart raced. My jaw clenched.
And then I remembered, “If he doesn’t follow typical rules, I don’t have to either!” At 15 minutes I said, “Patrick, I’m leaving,” and turned toward my front door. He followed me to the front door without missing a beat. I opened the door, pivoted to face him and said, “Patrick, thanks, let’s finish this later.” I heard another dozen words after I shut the door before he shrugged and walked away.
I was liberated that day. Liberated from my own codependence. In the future, he never expressed offense when I set and enforced my boundaries with him. I always did it as politely but firmly as I could. Being liberated from typical rules of politeness is not an excuse to abuse others. Don’t surrender your values just because you adopt a different set of rules.
It may well be that as you show up stronger in your conversation, your colleague takes offense. If so, talk about it. Negotiate rules with them that work for you emotionally and conversationally. But don’t be surprised if, as you take back responsibility for your presence in the conversation, your colleague accepts it as a nonevent.
Sincerely,
Joseph
Liberating game-changer!
I giggled when I read your solution! Genius! I’m going to try it!
I wish people would do that with me. I try NOT to keep talking, but when people don’t speak up, I will keep going. I do try to police myself and tell people to PLEASE stop me or I will keep going with one story or another. (I have a ton of them from my life) Good advice!
Melissa, I am you! I was recently told I am high functioning autistic, and this is my way of relating to others. I used to be told I was a One-upper. Now, I realize I share stories to pretend I relate to others since I really do not relate to them. And it’s a nervous thing trying to fit in. I am learning to police myself also.
I now let those around me be aware I am trying to relate to them. I ask if they can help me grow up letting me know when I do it or if they are annoyed by something I said so I can learn. And apologize I was not taught these skills earlier in life as most people were.
Thank you for adding your perspective as the “offender”. I came here because my daughter too won’t stop talking. She calls me all the time because she needs to share every detail about her day, and I don’t think her husband will let her go on forever like I do. Do YOU have a best way you prefer folks to interrupt you? I have tried having a conversation with her about how she needs to be more aware that she is dominating the “conversation”, but she usually gets offended. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated.
I’ve been on both sides of this issue… as the listener and the over talker. For me, I sometimes don’t realize that I have taken over the conversation as I’m trying to relate. Or I’m having a day that having a person listen to me is great as I don’t get that as I’m a caregiver for both my in laws . (One has dementia.) I don’t want to burden my husband all the time and I really don’t have much of a social life. I’ve been trying to be more aware of doing this and correcting it.
On the other side, I have several family members that call me and want to list of everything that is wrong with their life. I can be a great listener but it is draining as I have so much going on in my life too. I still want to be supportive as they don’t have anyone else to talk to either. I like the idea of giving them a time limit…
Also, my nephew just sends me texts with updates… He has stated that it’s just nice to have someone he knows reads them and I don’t have to respond. If he has a question or wants advice, he said he would call. I like that he set this boundary for us. At family events, he does end up talking to me the whole time but he knows that once I reach my limit I let him know that I need some space.
I have a family member who behaves similarly to Patrick that we see annually around the holidays. He is also a very likable guy. I am not opposed to setting boundaries and have attempted this with him, but when all are gathered around the table, it’s harder to walk away. I have tried, “apologies for interrupting, but I’d love to hear from someone else” but somehow, he is still able to dominate the conversation. Do you have suggestions when there is no door behind which you can close to end his monologue to allow others at the table to contribute?
Like Melissa, I am aware that I make long speeches, and I feel ashamed of myself for that. But when I am in the middle of the conversation, I just get carried away and can’t stop, unless I register the uncomfort of the listener. Much of my illbehaviour as an overtalker comes mainly from two facts I have identified with myself. One is sheer vanity, ” what I have yo tell you is worth listening to “, and also ” you’ll learn something from what I have to tell you “. Another cause that triggers that overflow of speech is the need to be held into consideration, to attract the other’s attention and approval. It is a flaw for which I end up angry with myself, but it is so difficult to erradicate.
At least you have self realization that you are dominating the conversation and talking too much. I have a family member we named “the talking machine”. Constantly talks about herself. Needs the attention and focus placed in her. Rarely asks someone: “how’s your mom feeling” or “how’s work going?” I have now begun new family traditions that don’t include her. How refreshing to hear from others who actually have something interesting to say!
Mine is my boss. Expects me to “be polite” in phone conversations and meetings, but talks over me (and everyone else). Boundaries don’t work…and attempting them unleashes a raft of other bad behaviours (human being bad, not just boss bad). Sigh.
I experience a similar situation in that I will initiate a topic and before I am able to even complete the thought (perhaps 2 sentences into a 5 or 6 sentence thought) my friend interjects a similar situation and takes over the conversation. I am left feeling as you described, bitter, resentful, but polite and quiet. I don’t think I can just tell her has x minutes remaining as the situation although similar is a bit different. Suggestions on how to handle someone who takes over a conversation starter.
Debbie I have been successful in saying to my friend Oh! it sounds like you have a great story too. Once I finish mine I would love to hear yours. I struggle with losing my thought and this would help me finish my though and enjoy your story too.
Your friend almost certainly does not realize the effect this has on you. Just interrupt back and say “I’d love to hear your thought, but can you wait until I finish mine?” You may have to do many times given that your friend has a habit and habits are hard to break – don’t give up!
If your friend gets upset (unlikely), then you can tell them “I’m sorry this is hard for you but I need to feel like I can finish my ideas without being interrupted. Let’s work together to figure out a way to make that work for both of us.” DON’T get upset about it or your friend will certainly feel defensive – don’t expect a fight and you will almost certainly not get one. You may need to practice in front of the mirror or with someone else until you can express these thoughts without any emotional baggage. If you express yourself clearly and non-judgmentally and your friend still doesn’t accept that you need to be able to speak for 20 or 30 seconds uninterrupted, then you will have to say, “if you feel ok interrupting me, but don’t feel it is acceptable for me to interrupt you back, are you sure you want to be my friend?”
I liked your solution for Patrick. It sounded like it honoured both your needs . It worked it seemed because you knew him well enough to know it would possibly work and the risk was that it might curtail your relationship & you were ok with that.
In the case of “Exhausted” it is a co-worker so exiting the scene might not be practical, everyday this can potentially be an event to deal with & that is exhausting & they have to work with this person so the risk of botching the relationship is consequential. Besides it sounded like you actually liked Patrick & his tails but I didn’t get that same vibe from “Exhausted”.
I wonder if maybe straight up constructive honesty might be a thing to try. Make a date for an opportunity to talk about something important at a lunch hour for instance. Thank them for sitting down with you to talk about something important to you & that you need the floor to discuss something. Get their agreement. Explain how your relationship is something you value because we are coworkers so we are with each other a lot & both need to be productive to do our best work & that you know they are a good person with many values we both share. What I am having some increasing discomfort with is something I believe you may be wholly unaware of so it is right I let you know. After conversing with you I often feel exhausted & unfulfilled because there has been little or no opportunity for me to share in the conversation. I often feel like I have a tsunamis of water coming at me when we converse. (here is were you can personalize an analogy so there is a moment of humor which is always a good thing). Explain I want not to feel that way and want to honour my feelings & let you know so you are aware. Together my hope is we can do something different so we both get our needs met in our conversations. Are you willing to work with me on this because I would like that? Then see what they say. Then you get to express what your needs are in your interactions & what your boundaries are. Then get curious & ask them to explain their needs & boundaries. ( They most like have never thought about this before) Tell them you value your working relationship so you need to be honest about your personal relationship to optimize that.
So it could be this person is just gobsmacked at all this because no one has talked about this with them before. Hopefully they will listen & not be defensive because they get that you are risking in your honesty about how you feel and you are using I statements with no accusations or criticisms or finger pointing. When speaking to them your emotions need to be regulated & your tone engaging. Don’t carry on but make it concrete, pithy & rational so their intellect is being appealed to & not their emotions. Tell them what you invision the end result of your conversation to be ( Stephen Covey’s idea of start with the end in mind) as us both to feel good about ourselves & each other & even both grown a bit from this. And that our future interactions & conversations will be at this level & respect each other’s needs & boundaries. See what they say and from now on call it if this doesn’t happen. My bet is they either find someone else to talk to ( lol) or you actually become a mentor to them & maybe even a friend & not just a coworker. Anyway that is my kick at the can.
I love this and I also practice this approach. But I want to raise the bar on this challenge. In order for me to connect with a person, I need to feel like it’s a two-way relationship. If the other person is monologuing and doesn’t ask me any questions or doesn’t seem interested in me, I check out emotionally and eventually stop the relationship. Do you think it’s possible to communicate to the person that you value their friendship, however, you have trouble maintaining it, because s/he doesn’t seem interested in you? And then discuss how together you could change the relationship and make it more rewarding for you.
Thank you for stating, “Resentment is a sign you aren’t holding boundaries.” I now have permission to set better boundaries! I don’t want to be resentful.
Yes. I loved that expression as well.
Great article. I experience this on a regular basis with a few people in my life. I LOVE the approach. Great advice !! Thank you
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