Dear Crucial Skills,
You write a lot about making others feel safe, including bosses. Why would it ever be a subordinate’s responsibility to make their boss feel “safe”? The power dynamic already places the superior in a position of safety. Bosses should already have training to effectively take feedback from those beneath them in the corporate hierarchy without needing their ego fluffed first.
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Let me set the table for my response.
Years ago I was asked to consult with one of the captains of industry. He was a luminary in his industry who desperately needed to change the culture of his organization to ensure its survival. He was also a physically imposing, deep-voiced, austere person whose voice exuded command.
He, his executive team, and I worked for six months developing a plan to influence change. Then came the time to share the plan with his global workforce. In a highly choreographed event, he and I made the case for change and described what was coming. In my view, it couldn’t have gone better. As he and I walked out afterward, I was practically skipping and humming a happy tune when he said in his quietly thunderous way, “Joseph, I’m chagrined. We need to talk.”
Every muscle in my body tensed. Our walk back to his office felt like an eternity. I was terrified that this once-in-a-career opportunity was about to disappear. And equally scared that such a powerful person disapproved of me and my work. In short, I felt deeply unsafe.
As we took our seats in his office, he said, “Let’s start by reviewing the plan.” I couldn’t believe my ears. He and I had spent many hours over the previous months not just discussing but creating the plan. “Oh well,” I thought, “let’s do this again.” I shrugged and began, “The first step is diagnosis. We’ll gather data about what’s impeding the vital behaviors that…”
He cut me off and said, “Yeah. Take that off the list. I don’t want to gather any more data. I want to kill something. We need results not more talk.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This wasn’t new information to him. Why was he doing this? And furthermore, the model we were working from was sound and cohesive. How dare he think he could just pick it into pieces and not suffer consequences! That’s what was going on inside me. Outside me my face probably lost all its color, my mouth was hanging slack, and my knees were knocking.
Now, back to your question. As I’m sitting across from one of the most powerful corporate titans in the world, what sense does it make to suggest I have to worry about his safety?
Good question.
Answer: Because it’s in my best interest to do so.
Now, I admit that my safety concerns are an order of magnitude larger than his in this moment. But I also assert that he has them, too. And if I ignore his, it is at my own peril.
It’s easy during a Crucial Conversation to miss the fact that power protects no one from feelings of threat. While he had no fear of me firing or physically harming him, even the most powerful can feel disrespected, belittled, unheard, or protective of their interests. If you neglect your responsibility to help them feel safe, they will use their disproportionate power against you.
As I collected myself, I began with, “Amit (not his real name), the first thing I want you to know is that I get it that you’re the boss here. At the end of the day, I will support your decision and carry it out as best I can.” At this point he leaned back in his chair. So far, so good. “And second, I want to be loyal to the results you’ve asked me to help you achieve. I have reasons to believe if we don’t diagnose, we could waste resources and fail.” He smiled and nodded slightly. “With your permission, I’d like to make that argument. And if it doesn’t persuade you, I’ll follow your instruction.”
He paused briefly then said, “Make the argument.”
I sensed there was still some threat he was uncomfortable expressing. So, I attempted to express it for him. “One more thing, I want a relationship with you where if you think I’m padding the project to jack up my fees, you’ll demand that I justify what I’m doing. I want to be held accountable to being a good steward for your company’s resources.”
Bingo. He practically chuckled at that one. He relaxed and said, “Convince me diagnosis is worth what I’d pay.”
I did. And the project was a tremendous success. But that wasn’t the most important outcome of that conversation. The most important outcome was that we set a pattern for how we would communicate. We would not dance around hard issues. And I believe we got to that place because I took special effort to let him know I respected his position, and I cared about his interests.
Power differentials aside, everyone needs to feel safe for a Crucial Conversation to go well.
I have appreciation for the concepts and practices here. I respect your ability to understand and speak to the emotional/psychological responses of an authority person over you.
I also think that this example which sounds like is to be applied in broad principles starts to sound like authority figures do not have more responsibility to be more aware of their own reactions and have cultivated emotional self-regulation. Children often learn the emotions of their parents are their responsibility somehow. Parishioners in some setting learn that their church leaders’ emotional responses are their responsibility. Do we have responsibility to each other in some way? Yes. Do I think people with any kind of authority have more responsibility to be self-aware of self protection and have tools and practice to be the model.
Were you capable of identifying and addressing the internal emotional/protective psychological response he was having and address it? Yes. But many don’t have that skill.
I understand the workplace has different features and purposes than home and church, the spaces I am most concerned about with this idea of significant underling responsibility for reading and adequately speaking to the emotions of authority. I think all authority has more responsibility to their underlings than vice versa to be self aware and identify/communicate key issues connected to their psychological/emotional responses.
People learn to do this by model and practice, so it should be a growth point passed on.
I believe this story puts too much weight on underlings, it can cause more issues rather than giving due responsibility to authority. Should underlings respect? Yes. Can they benefit from learning these tactics of self-protection by monitoring the needs of higher ups and meeting them? Sure. Because higher ups will never all be self aware and emotionally regulated or able to identify and articulate what is happening psychologically. But that doesn’t make this the way it should be….
If you are referencing seasoned professionals who all have some level of authority and those in lower positions think they can be however they want just because they are lower, then I would speak to their responsibility as well. I just didn’t hear distinctions here.
I want to acknowledge that my interpretation of your response to this important question might be either accurate or skewed, as it feels strange to read that I need to keep boosting the ego of a grown adult. In short, it sounds like I have to bring a pacifier to work just to help a leader, in this case, a manager, feel good about themselves.
While I understand the concept of psychological safety and the need for both parties to feel secure in order to connect, I struggle to agree with the idea of “rubbing the ego” or “pacifying the big baby” just to get things done the appropriate way. Unfortunately, the concept of right, justice and fairness does not apply in corporate settings.
Could you help me understand this better with other examples? Apologies in advance if my tone comes across as harsh.
I didn’t interpret Mr. Grenny’s comments as coddling the executive’s ego, but rather letting the executive know he didn’t need to “coddle” Grenny — that it was “safe” to be direct and honest about his concerns. I find it interesting that the comments interpret the article as encouraging “ego stroking” authority figures or that because someone is in a position of power and authority they have no emotional component to be considered. I see it as acknowledging that you are serving your own interests better if you treat everyone, including those who have power or authority over you, with respect and show that you are open to direct and perhaps uncomfortable communication. Creating or encouraging “safety” isn’t about stroking egos but rather encouraging an environment where both parties can feel comfortable communicating openly and honestly with each other.
I understand the concerns of @Shelley and @Queen Agatha but perhaps I can offer a different perspective. I see Joseph’s column as a solution for when things go off the rails with a manager. It sure would be a great world if our managers in positions of power were self-aware and emotionally regulated – but they aren’t. They are just people and many of these people have emotional baggage or poor ways of handling life situations. And I agree – they should learn! Get better!! Be fair, right, just… but this is reality.
Here are my two examples for how I was able to make situations safe for my manager. In one case, the person who is in charge of my department believed some terrible things about me from a situation many years ago. I was returning to the department with some trepidation myself. Our first interaction included her blasting me with accusations and setting all kinds of restrictive rules for me. It was a terrible interaction – my heart was racing, I felt like I needed to defend myself, I wanted to fight back. Instead, I asked if I could tell her what I felt my role in the department was and if she was willing to start fresh. When she calmed down (which she had to do because I wasn’t fighting back) I said “I am really excited to be back and ready to contribute to this department. My one and only goal is to be a productive, helpful, and happy employee. I understand you are in charge and just want to be useful. I don’t intend to get in your way or challenge your authority.” And I believed it. I don’t agree with how she does things, but I am not in charge. We have gotten along very well since (this all happened within the last 3 months).
The position I had before I came back to this department was under a manager that was in an even higher position. I believe she was in over her head, but that is what I had to work with. During our first meeting when she was questioning everything I was doing, I calmly explained each thing and then said “My goal is to make sure you always know what is happening in my area. What is the best way for me to do that? Our one-on-ones each month? Additional emails? or what about a monthly summary that gives you each area we cover with a quick overview of what we are doing?” She liked the last one, so I developed a form, which she then shared with all her reports, and each month updated it before our meeting. She never micromanaged me again, and she talked about my area with confidence and support.
In both of these cases, I certainly would have preferred a more mature and capable leader. But that is not what I got. But in each case, I think I made the situation safer for them by making sure to provide what they needed. It is better for me this way. And I did not stroke any egos or pacify any babies… I just did my job with the people I had to do it with!
I see it a bit different. While we often sit in different positions of leadership, authority or expertise, if I am understanding the point, we are all human. We often avoid confrontation. Many view confrontation from a negative lens. Leaning into and accepting confrontation as a way to resolve issues has worked for me. Staying in dialogue can be challenging, emotions get high and may interfere with outcomes. Another book I read introduced the concept of going to the balcony and observing your emotions. Life is a playt and when you watch it from the balcony, you can name your emotions which helps to work through them. Personally I seek to understand why a rational person, the one I’m facing conflict with would act this way. I ask clarifying questions, like “I’m sensing some hesitation on your part to this plan, can you help me understand your thoughts and feelings?” Most times the floodgates open and the real dialogue begins. Have you ever thanked a co-worker for coming in your office and yelling at you? I have, I don’t condone yelling, however by respecting other’s feelings and the way they express them there have been great results. Many of my best working relationships are with those I’ve had conflict with and we’ve discussed it. That’s not to say I seek conflict I just don’t avoid it as uncomfortable. I see it as a great steppingstone to better relationships, results, and respect.
Making it safe is not about coddling or stoking an ego. Making it safe is about creating space for both sides to be heard. When human emotions get in the way, nobody gets heard, which often gets in the way of getting things done. No matter a person’ position, they are first human with the need to be understood, respected and self-preservation. Until humans feel understood, they can’t problem solve, no matter what their position is. If I want or need something from my manager, it is in my best interest to create space where they feel understood enough to listen to me. I think that’s what Joseph is suggesting here.