Dear Crucial Skills,

Our son is married to a narcissistic sociopath. (Our mental health professional diagnosed her based on behavior we described.) They have been married for ten years and have three children, aged seven and under. We saw the relationship bombing in the beginning and asked him to rethink the marriage. She has been in attack mode since. She isolates him from family and friends and monitors and controls all aspects of his life. He barely speaks to us. He clams up when we attempt to talk about our concerns. We feel hopeless. How can we have a conversation about our concerns for him and his children?

Signed,
Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Family discord is especially potent and difficult. I am sorry you and your family are going through these tough times. Wanting to protect someone you love while feeling shut out is painful. I have some thoughts based on our Crucial Conversations courses that I believe will get you on the right road to re-establishing communication and better relationships.

But before I begin, we must speak frankly. As Joseph Grenny has written, “The fastest path to resolving disgust for another person is a searching look in the mirror.” When relationships become this strained, it’s worth asking a hard question: Is there anything in my approach that is contributing to the problem? As you continue reading, I would kindly suggest that the key question is not “How can we have a conversation about our concerns?” Consider this question instead: “How can we work to establish greater love and respect for my son and his family, including my daughter-in-law?”

Look for Facts, Not Stories

Speaking generally, we humans love to jump to conclusions. We rush to judgment based on what we’ve observed, and then have a difficult time realizing our point of view is fairly myopic. The stories in your description of your situation include labeling your daughter-in-law a narcissistic sociopath, claiming she is in attack mode, and stating she controls all aspects of his life. That may be what it feels like to you, but are those facts? Or just how you feel about the situation?

For example, how does your son feel about his wife? Does he feel the same way as you about his marriage? Or does he not speak to or spend more time with you for very different reasons? You place the blame for his silence on her, but there’s also the real possibility he has his own reasons for withdrawing.

As you begin to get back to building love and trust with your son and his family, avoid using labels and accusations. Think of what has actually occurred, consider and seek to discover possible reasons for those actions, and reflect on what you have contributed to the situation.

Create Safety

You mentioned your son “clams up” when you try to mention your concerns. This is because he does not feel safe when speaking with you. This is not unique to your son – when people feel you don’t respect them or their judgment, they will shut down rather than address concerns.

So how do you begin to re-build that lost safety? Before you go into a conversation, ask yourself: What do I really want—for me, for him, for our relationship? If it’s to get revenge, browbeat, or prove yourself correct, you won’t get far. But if it’s to show love for your son and to understand how to build a relationship with him and his family, he’s much more likely to feel safe and respond positively.

You must make your intentions unmistakably clear. You might say something like, “We want you to know we love you. We’ve made mistakes in the past, and we apologize. Moving forward, we won’t tell you what to do. We just care about you and your family and want to stay close and be supportive.” Notice that you’re expressing what you want for him, not what you want from him.

When your son feels respected and confident that you share a common purpose—loving and caring for one another—he will be far more willing to talk with you rather than retreat.

Allow for Agency

As children become adults, our influence changes. We can love, advise, and express concern, but we can’t force them to do what we want.

Your son may not be reacting only to your concerns; he may be perceiving that you’re attempting to control his agency. If he senses that every conversation is an attempt to change his marriage or convince him he is wrong, he’s going to “clam up.” People rarely become defensive about what you’re saying—they become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.

Allowing for agency doesn’t mean you agree with every decision. But it does mean you respect his right to make those decisions. You can’t control his choices, but you can preserve your connection to him. Over time, that connection, built on respect and love, will do far more to preserve your influence than pressure ever will.

As you begin to establish a better relationship with your son and his family by following these steps, give yourself and them time and grace. You likely will need to revisit and remind yourself to look for facts, create safety, and allow for agency many times. But as you replace stories with facts, criticism with respect, and control with love, you make it far more likely that he’ll begin to open up with you. And dialogue is always the first step toward change.

Sincerely,
Jordan