Dear Crucial Skills,

I work with a senior colleague who almost always seeks my approval on decisions that are his responsibility. I have advised and supported him a few times in the past, but now he seems to have become dependent on me to confirm or validate his actions. I get the sense that he doubts himself, worries that something might go wrong, and would like to direct the blame to me in case it did. I have my responsibilities, so I get annoyed that he depends on me to make his decisions for him. I’m also afraid that if I don’t respond to his requests, he’ll let his projects stagnate and then blame their failure on me. I feel he does not want to take ownership for his responsibilities, and it’s a nuisance. What can I do?

Signed,
Used and Abused

Dear Used,

Allow me to begin by sharing my reading of your question.

At some point in the past you shared your perspective with your senior colleague to help him make a decision. Since then, he has continually returned for your input, but you have grown less inclined to share it. Now you suspect he depends on you because (1) he lacks the confidence to make decisions himself and (2) he would like to blame you should a project fail. You feel annoyed and would like this to stop, but you haven’t told him so.

Can you guess where this is going?

Here’s why I think you feel stuck. First, though it’s hard to know for sure through text, I get the sense that you are blaming your colleague for your feelings. You want him to take responsibility for his duties, yet it seems you haven’t taken responsibility for your emotions. As soon as you do, you’ll see that the best way to resolve them is to take responsibility for the situation.

Second, you may have enabled him. To enable is to do for somebody else what they can and should do for themselves. Often this takes the form of supporting or permitting behavior that violates our own boundaries. The inevitable byproduct is resentment.

Third, you’ve stewed in silence.

Congratulations, you’re human!

When you think about it, it seems silly that we should get stuck in such situations, and yet all of us have found ourselves there. The good news is you can get unstuck. Here are a few ideas I hope are helpful.

Take responsibility for your feelings. You have assumed your senior colleague is the cause of your irritation when in fact he is the target of it. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know I harp on this idea, partly because I need to remind myself of it daily, partly because it’s central to proceeding effectively. You will not be inclined to change your perspective or your behavior unless and until you acknowledge that you are the source of your feelings.

Check for misunderstanding. There are several stories in your question. You say your colleague lacks confidence to make decisions on his own. That’s a story. You say he might like to blame you should a project fail. That’s a story. You say he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his duties. That’s a story.

Your stories may be correct, which I’ll speak to in a moment. But it may be that your colleague wants to share responsibility with you because he trusts you, values your perspective, and believes you are happy to share it. After all, if I hear you correctly, you have given him no reason to believe otherwise.

Let go of your villain stories and assume your colleague is acting in good faith—that he has no idea you’re irritated. Then, say something. You might be able to resolve this situation simply by saying, “Hey, I appreciate that you value my perspective, but I really want to focus on my own responsibilities. Would it be ok with you if I wasn’t involved in your decision-making processes?”

Share more as you proceed. You’ll notice I didn’t suggest you begin the conversation by expressing your annoyance. But if a kind request doesn’t work, you may need to do so.

I say that because I don’t want us to confuse “take responsibility for your emotions” for “it’s wrong to have negative emotions.” While it’s true that a victim, villain, or helpless story will lead to negative emotions that are preventable, it’s also true you can disapprove of someone’s behavior without telling yourself untrue stories and respectfully express your feelings related to your disapproval.

As you talk, share more of your position as needed, inviting dialogue at each step. Here’s how that might look:

1. Make a kind request. We covered that above.
2. Share the facts. For example, “When you wanted my help with the budget for materials, you had all the relevant information to make your decision but said you weren’t sure what to do. Why is that?” Continue to next step if needed.
3. Share your interpretation. “Because you frequently ask for my help making decisions, I have started to think you lack confidence. What’s going on?” Continue on if needed.
4. Share how you feel. “I have been annoyed because I feel like I’m making decisions that you should be making. Can you see where I’m coming from?”

Express and hold your boundary. If a frank conversation doesn’t resolve the issue, be politely firm. Make it clear you won’t assist, and reaffirm your position as needed. “I won’t help with that. You’ll need to seek another course of action or source of help.”

Let nature take its course. You stated that you haven’t declined your colleague’s requests even though you want to for fear that he’ll “let his projects stagnate and blame their failure on [you].”

I’ve got news: You can’t eat your cake and have it too. You can’t dictate how others show up in your world. Efforts to do so will lead you into manipulation and codependency. You can control your behavior, but not the outcomes of it. So, act with integrity, leave the rest to consequence. If your team culture is such that your colleague could blame you for his failures and get away with it, you might want to seek a position on another team or employment elsewhere, or raise your concerns with team managers.

One final thought. I have replied to your question on the assumption that your colleague may hold the motives you suggest, but I invite you to consider that you may be making a mountain of a molehill. In every role I’ve worked, my senior colleagues, managers, and bosses have sought my input on decisions at times, and I don’t think I’m unique. This is how work gets done. It’s willing assistance that makes one a valuable teammate. Withholding your input may lead to undesirable consequences of their own, regardless of whether your colleague tries to blame you for anything.

That said, I realize the line between assisting and enabling can be quite fine. Probably only you and your colleague are close enough to the situation to judge which is happening. Even more reason to have an open and honest conversation.

Good luck,
Ryan