Dear Crucial Skills,
A coworker of mine recently told our manager he’s scared of me. When I learned of this, I was shocked. I had no idea. I assume it’s because I’m a marketing manager and it’s my job to review all his work. He’s a perfectionist, and I’ve noticed he gets defensive when I point out mistakes in his work. So I’ve tried to be less critical and let minor mistakes slide. Now the same thing is happening with another coworker—she has told the manager she’s scared of me. I wish they would just tell me. How can I address this issue, and what can I do if people are ‘scared’ of me because it’s my job to provide feedback?
Signed,
Not Scary
Dear Not Scary,
Your question resonates with me. I, too, am a marketing manager and I, too, have most certainly put relationships at risk by doing what I felt was simply my job. In the early days, bolstered by all sorts of excitement for my new career and a strong desire to do a good job, I wielded my red editor’s pen with reckless abandon.
As I reviewed and edited emails, articles, website copy, and such, I believed a job well done was to return the draft to its owner graffitied by red ink. And believe me when I say I excelled at this work—much to the chagrin of my colleagues.
Never did it occur to me that my role as an editor—and my enthusiasm for being the most accurate one—would inherently rub others the wrong way. Never did it occur to me that others would see my genuine intentions to do good work as a drain on their energy and a ding to their contribution.
It took years of interacting with coworkers and listening to some tough feedback for me to see that there could be a better way. To assume I could not be a good editor without offending people (even if it was unintentional) was a Fool’s Choice. There was a way to be both good at my job and more considerate to my colleagues. I could edit work in a way that would put our company in the best light possible, without causing unnecessary pain to my teammates.
The Fool’s Choice is a false dilemma we often make that suggests we face only two options—both of them bad. In your case, it might be that you can be a good editor whose feedback hurts and offends people, or you can be a bad editor and spare people’s feelings. In reality, we face several choices—some of them good. Simply put, the Fool’s Choice occurs when we get stuck in “or” thinking rather than “and” thinking. What if you could be a good editor AND spare people’s feelings?
Finding resolution requires that you refuse the Fool’s Choice and look for ways to both accomplish your goals and work better with others. Here are a few ideas for providing feedback more gently.
- Set the table. I have learned that before even beginning a relationship of editor and author/creator, it’s good to have a conversation about what that relationship looks like. Your feedback is not personal—your goal is to deliver great work. At the same time, you know that the editing process is often painful. You might even know how it feels because you too have been on the other end. However, try to reach consensus that your shared goal is to create the best product possible, and you will accomplish that as a team.
- Share your good intent. When offering feedback that is significant or harsh, preface with your intent. Reiterate to the other person that while your feedback might feel heavy-handed, your goal is to deliver the best result possible. You could thank them for their part in the success. It’s significantly easier to edit than to write something or start a project from scratch. So, acknowledge how their contribution was integral to getting you to an excellent result.
- Explain your feedback. While editing and providing feedback on someone’s work can feel transactional to the editor, recognize that it feels differently to those receiving the criticism. While editing someone’s work might simply be a task on your to-do list, consider the time and effort the other person put into it. Recognize how deflating it could feel to see hours of your work returned red-lined and dog-eared. So, take time to explain your feedback. Share why you made the edits you made and why you think your edits make it stronger. This extra effort might feel unnecessary to you, but it can help the other person not only process the feedback but even learn how to improve for next time.
- Welcome feedback in return. After explaining, be willing to hear their thoughts. Perhaps they thought about it differently. Perhaps you’ll see that you could have left it as is, or that there is merit in their thought process. I’ve learned to ask myself whether the original draft is wrong or just different than I would have done it. There is a difference between accuracy and preference. If your edits relate to personal preference, consider that you could be less critical in your feedback, knowing that doing so will help others build confidence in their work.
While these tips might feel specific to the editing process, they can work anytime you’re delivering tough verbal feedback as well. Clarify the relationship and your role in giving feedback. Take time to align on your shared goals. Next, share your good intent. The feedback is intended to help the other person succeed—not tear them down. Then explain where the feedback is coming from. If it is about behavior, be specific and share facts. And finally, be open to the other’s perspective. You might uncover new information or insight that can lead to more success in the future.
I also suspect that because people are “scared of you” you won’t even be able to have these Crucial Conversations until you break the ice. You’ll need to approach your colleagues directly and share that you’re interested in finding ways to work better together. I think this humble approach will do a lot to diffuse any fear or hesitation your coworkers have around working with you.
Best of luck,
Brittney
I love the advice from Brittney Maxfield. It’s so important to share intent and listen to the person you’re speaking with as well. I have also found, whenever someone receives feedback, it can take time for them to process as well. So giving them space to do that after sharing your thoughts and intentions is helpful.
One of our cardiac surgeons wrote a paper (A Practical Minded Obsession: With the Possibility and Consequence of Failure) on giving feedback to the residents: a situation in which feedback (“editing”) can mean the difference between life and death. One of the things that really sticks out to me in his article, is that there is a grief process that goes with hearing any critical feedback. He knew Kubler Ross when she was writing about the 5 stages of grief. I know from personal experience the feelings of shock denial, anger, depression, bargaining and coming to acceptance. It also explains how people can push back so hard at first and then come around later on. I know this isn’t exactly what this editor is facing because they are hearing that people are scared of them, so it might be a relationship conversation and not the content or pattern conversation. It has helped me to honor that space, like Beth mentions above, after feedback to give people time to process it and well as doing that for myself. Brittney’s answer is genius as always.
https://journal.hsforum.com/index.php/HSF/article/view/1536
I really like the application of grief to this conversation. Individuals asking for help are often proud of their work, feel it is their best, or it is a part of their identity. Therefore, perceived criticism takes part of that away.
Absolutely! So insightful. There is a moment of grief and deflation when your work is returned with harsh edits. Let others feel that, and be compassionate in your approach moving forward.
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
There is a missing point here. Feedback should not all be negative. When I was working as a grant writer one boss would do the red inking, to which I had a mixed reaction – glad to have any typos caught but also discouraged. A few times I thanked her for feedback and asked “Well, did you like the overall approach/ work?” Invariably, the response I received was “Yes– it’s brilliant!” or “You make a very convincing and compelling case for support!” Those kinds of remarks – not made to soften the blow- but to point out what does work, should come first. Now together, you can make it even better.
I love this addition. Thank you!
As a colleague and supervisor who has edited a pile of other’s initial work, a quick way is to start by indicating that they are free accept what they like and ignore what they don’t, that these are only my ideas among the many ways to do this well. Over the years I’ve usually found in the second go round that many but not all edits were accepted and that many were improved. Multiple minds working together are better than one.
Yes! I have done this as well and put the control back in the creator’s hands. They often come around to the edits or improve the work on their own even more than I might have suggested. Great input.
I’ve been following Crucial Learning for almost two decades and have often seen the phrase “The Fool’s Choice is a false dilemma” used in discussions.
Interestingly, I was about to use that exact phrase in a reply to someone but decided to run it through AI for refinement. It suggested a more concise term: “False dichotomy.”
Does Crucial Learning prefer “The Fool’s Choice” because it’s more relatable, or do you see a distinction between it and “false dichotomy”? I’d love to hear your perspective!
This reminds me of Marshall Goldsmith’s book, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” He has a list of bad habits that may have worked in your previous role, not so much in this one. Namely, “Adding too much value.” He says there is a fallacy that while your comment might slightly improve an ideal, it drastically reduces another person’s commitment.
Great reminder! I would have been fine with Not Scary’s feedback because I look for ways to improve professionally, personally and how to do things better. But, that is not the approach to take these days. As Brittney stated gentleness is the approach to take which I finally understood after intense training and coaching.