Dear Crucial Skills,

My wife has a good job and is an overachiever. Prior to the Covid pandemic, I had a great job that paid well, and at the time I made more than her. Then I lost my job and struggled for about a year before landing a job that pays less. My wife, on the other hand, was promoted and given a raise during this time, so now she makes more than I do. She SAYS it makes no difference, but I’ve noticed changes in our relationship and how she treats me. Should I bring this up to her? How do I confront her behavior and what appears to be a lack of respect?

Signed,
Disrespected

Dear Disrespected,

Yes, you should bring this up. Few relationships ever get better by not talking about problems. But before you do, I think you have some work to do to prepare for the conversation.

Let’s start with your use of all caps when you write, “She SAYS it makes no difference…” While I can’t know for sure why you chose to use all caps, I assume you did for emphasis. The story I am telling myself about your use of all caps is that you have brought the issue up with your wife before, she has assured you that she respects you, and you don’t fully believe or trust her. That is probably worth exploring. Why don’t you believe her? Is she dishonest in other aspects of your relationship? Or is it because you believe you have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary?

You didn’t mention the former, that your wife is routinely dishonest and you don’t trust what she says. So, for our purposes here, let’s assume it is the latter—despite what your wife says, you have noticed changes in the relationship and how she treats you. You seem to believe that her actions prove her diminishing respect.

There are two plausible explanations for the behavior you are now noticing. First, the behavior existed before but you simply didn’t notice it or didn’t interpret it as a lack of respect. This may be because you were confident and secure in yourself. You didn’t have any doubts about your standing in the relationship, perhaps in part because you made more money than she did and that created a sense of self and security for you. If your own self-image has been shaken by your relatively lower income, you would likely be primed to notice behavior you haven’t noticed before and attribute it to her disrespect. If this is the case, your challenge is not talking to your wife about her possible disrespect. Your challenge is to find a sense of self-respect that is not tied to your economic contribution being higher than hers.

The second possible explanation for the changes you have noticed is that there are indeed real changes in her behavior. You don’t share what behaviors you have noticed, so we can’t draw many conclusions or validate the conclusion you have drawn. Suffice it to say, almost all relational behaviors change over time. Very few people behave in a relationship the same way, year in and year out. Indeed, few of us would want to exist in such a stagnant, stale relationship.

If her behaviors have changed, there could be numerous possible explanations, including:

• She doesn’t respect you (your explanation).
• She is tired and stressed because of the changes in her new role.
• There are other relationships in her life that are impacting her (e.g. aging parents, teenagers, polarized friendships).
• She is experiencing a change in her own mental health.

While your explanation for her behavior change is certainly plausible, it also centers on you—you are the primary influence on her behavior. I encourage you to remove yourself from the center and consider other factors that could be impacting her behavior. Doing so should open you up to a richer, fuller exploration with your wife of these behaviors.

When you are ready to have the conversation, start with your intent. Why are you bringing this up?

For example:

“I care about you, and I care about our relationship. It is important to me that, as situations and circumstances change, we build a relationship that is both flexible and resilient.”

Then start with your facts. Be specific about what you have noticed. Simply saying “I have noticed that your behavior towards me as changed” is not going to cut it. Cite specific behavioral incidences that suggest patterns or changes.

Next, tell your story. This would be a good time to acknowledge her previous reassurances and share why you haven’t been able to accept them. For example:

“I am worried that, now that our incomes have changed, you don’t respect me in the same way. I know you have said the income reversal doesn’t matter, but because of the pattern of these behaviors, I am worried that it does, and you feel disloyal in sharing that with me.”

Finally, ask for her perspective and do your best to listen and believe her.

As a bonus tip I would add a great finish to this conversation from Terry Real. After you have shared what you are seeing, the story you have told yourself, and how it makes you feel, let your wife know what would help you feel better. Articulating for yourself and for her what you need is a crucial step forward.

Without a doubt, changes in income can have an impact on relationship dynamics. Working though those changes, both what they mean to you and your relationship, can allow for a stronger healthier relationship that isn’t dependent on a rigid hierarchy of income.

Emily