Dear Crucial Skills,
How can I have a productive conversation with a colleague when there’s clear tension between us, but I don’t know the cause? I want to keep the discussion calm and focused on facts so we can improve the work environment.
Signed,
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
We often get questions like yours that have a pretty simple answer. I don’t point that out to make you feel bad about the dilemma you find yourself in. It simply highlights how often we let problems go unresolved, get out of hand, and stress us out because we’re avoiding a conversation.
Stepping up to difficult dialogue is a universal challenge and why the content and promise of Crucial Conversations has resonated for 25 years. Imagine how much more we could accomplish and how much stronger our relationships would be if we had the confidence and ability to speak up? I think you’ll find that at the root of most of your biggest challenges is a Crucial Conversation you’re either not holding or not holding well.
While the idea of having a conversation sounds easy and straightforward, actually holding it is anything but. I believe we shy away from Crucial Conversations because they represent risk and require vulnerability. We can’t control others and their response. And many will argue they can’t even control themselves. They find that when they engage in difficult dialogue, their emotions take over and sabotage everything from their intentions to the results. This lack of control can be so intimidating that we choose to say nothing—allowing our problems to grow and persist.
In reality, we can control ourselves in a Crucial Conversation. The skills we teach help people master the thoughts and feelings that derail dialogue.
So back to your question. The best way to find out why there is tension is to ask the other person about it. Here are a few skills to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
Change Your Emotions
The primary reason we do poorly in Crucial Conversations is we are irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person. It is these sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle emotions that others react to more than to our words. So, before having the conversation, open your mind to soften your emotions. Try to separate the person from the problem. And consider that just because you aren’t sure of the source of tension, doesn’t mean you aren’t contributing to it. You can improve your emotions by asking yourself what you’re not noticing, and by reflecting on why a reasonable, decent person might be acting this way. If you can be in the right emotional state, you will come across much better in your conversation.
Help Others Feel Safe
Skilled conversationalists realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. Try starting the conversation by assuring your colleague of your positive intentions and your respect for them. When others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen. In your case, your intent is simply to remove any barriers to working together well. Communicate your goal. You want to understand and resolve the tension you feel because you WANT to have a better relationship and improve the way you work together.
Share Facts
After establishing safety, describe what you have noticed. Sticking to the facts is essential because it leaves out our often ugly assumptions and judgments about those facts. Be specific about the behaviors that for you are evidence of tension. For example, “Every time I enter the room, I notice you get quiet,” or “When I ask you questions, your responses are one or two words.”
Tentatively Share Your Conclusions
After serving up facts, tentatively share what those facts are causing you to conclude. You must be tentative here because it’s only your perspective. There’s a chance you could be seeing things inaccurately, so be sure to not overstate your perspective. You might say, “I sense there’s tension in our relationship. And I’m wondering if I have done something to contribute to that.”
Invite Dialogue
After sharing facts and tentatively expressing your concerns, it’s time to invite dialogue. This means you make it clear you welcome the other person to disagree with you. Those who are best at Crucial Conversations don’t just come to make their point; they come to learn. If your goal is just to dump on someone, they’ll resist you. If you are open to hearing their point of view, they’ll be more open to yours. Your invitation might sound something like this: “I’ve felt this tension for the past few weeks and didn’t say anything sooner because I thought it might blow over, but I’m beginning to feel like there’s more there that I need to understand and I’m hoping you’ll share it with me so we can get our relationship back on track.”
Listen
Finally, listen to what they have to say. If there’s indeed something you need to own, hear them out. If you feel it’s valid feedback, apologize and commit to do better. If you don’t feel it’s valid, resist the urge to be defensive. Instead, acknowledge that your past actions didn’t match your intention, but that more importantly your goal is to move forward positively. Ask for a clean slate and consider the value of leaving the past in the past in hopes of future rewards and success.
As mentioned before, we often avoid Crucial Conversations because we can’t control their outcome. You might use all these skills perfectly and the other person will not respond well. Ultimately, that leads to a different conversation all together. But I can promise that if you use and practice these skills, you can better control your own emotions and greatly increase the likelihood of improving the relationship and the working environment.
Best of luck,
Brittney
