Dear Crucial Skills,

My introverted daughter tends to avoid social interactions by giving people the silent treatment. Recently she’s been doing this with our housemate. How can I help her develop healthier ways of managing social relations?

Signed,
Worried

Dear Worried,

First, let me touch on the label you used to describe your daughter: introverted. I would caution you against pigeon-holing her into such a label. When we give someone a label, we often also assign corollary traits to them as well (e.g. awkward, unfriendly) many of which can be incorrect. In addition, if your daughter is told she’s introverted, she may begin to believe those traits are true, too.

Besides, introversion is not the issue here. Needing to be alone sometimes, preferring smaller social circles, or processing emotions internally is often perfectly healthy.

The concern here is not that your daughter is reserved—it’s that she withdraws from communication when it feels uncomfortable. In Crucial Conversations, we teach that when conversations stop feeling safe, dialogue breaks down and relationships suffer. Now, if your daughter has a history of trauma from interacting with one or more persons, other remedies such as therapy will often be needed. But for those children who just need a little more help feeling comfortable talking to others, here are a few suggestions:

Be Curious

Imagine your daughter feels hurt because your housemate—or perhaps a friend, cousin, or classmate—didn’t include her in a game, borrowed something without asking, or made a comment that embarrassed her. She may not yet have the emotional skills or confidence to say: “That hurt my feelings.”

So instead, she avoids eye contact, gives one-word answers, hides in her room, or refuses to engage altogether. To adults, this can look stubborn or rude. In reality, it’s a rare child (or adult for that matter) who knows how to navigate their emotions. Silence seems safer.

One of the most helpful things you can do is approach your daughter with curiosity rather than correction. If you come across as annoyed or angry and simply demand that she speak up, she may feel judged or misunderstood and retreat even further.

You might say, “What feels hard about talking to our housemate right now?” or “Is there something you don’t like when she tries to talk to you?” Your daughter probably isn’t avoiding dialogue because she is rude. More likely, she’s avoiding conversations because she cares deeply about what will happen if she does. She doesn’t want to invite conflict, rejection, or embarrassment. As you get curious about the motives behind her actions, you can help her overcome her concerns and feel safe.

Help Separate Facts from Stories

Another important principle you can help you daughter with is separating facts from stories. Assumption has damaged many a good conversation—and relationship. More than once I’ve assumed my wife is mad at me after a day where we barely talk, she didn’t respond to the funny meme I texted her, and the idea of giving her a hug feels the same as embracing a porcupine. So then to cope, I start emphasizing her faults, defending myself, and withdraw physically and emotionally from her. Now she’s wondering what’s the matter with me!

In reality, she wasn’t mad at me in the first place—she misplaced her wedding ring, the three-year-old was a demon, she didn’t sleep well, and we have a track meet, a dance practice and a baseball game all at the same time tonight.

Similarly, your daughter may be telling herself stories like:

• “She doesn’t like me.”
• “If I say something wrong, she’ll think I’m dumb.”
• “She’s an adult. I’m not old enough to know how to talk to her.”

Help her instead to return to observable facts. For example, instead of thinking: “She doesn’t like me,” you could help your daughter look at the facts and realize there are other possible reasons behind someone’s actions: “She didn’t smile at me when she walked by. Maybe she didn’t notice me or was worried about something else.”

Facts invite dialogue and provide a way forward.

It’s also important to remember that children learn relationship patterns by watching the adults around them. If they see us avoid difficult conversations, become defensive, or withdraw, they often adopt those same habits. How are you doing with your conversations?

On the other hand, when they see adults calmly address misunderstandings, apologize sincerely, and talk through tension respectfully, they learn that conflict is survivable.

And that’s really the goal—not raising a child who never feels hurt or uncomfortable, or even one that is friendly and talks to everyone—but raising one who feels she can master her stories, work through her feelings, and have successful conversations.

Sincerely,

Jordan