Dear Crucial Skills,

I was unexpectedly called into a meeting with senior leaders and colleagues who criticized a new process I had introduced. The conversation became heated, and I felt unprepared, cornered, and reactive, especially as they challenged the process without notice or supporting facts. Feeling overwhelmed, I agreed to their request despite believing the approach was inappropriate. Although they later apologized, I’m still upset and unsure how to move forward, given that they ultimately got what they wanted. How should I handle this now?

Signed,
Mistreated

Dear Mistreated,

Workplace interactions can be tough, and this situation is no exception. I’m sorry you’re feeling mistreated, and I respect you for reaching out for help in a tricky situation. I’ll be candid, though—what follows may not be exactly what you’re hoping for, because it will ask you to look at your own role, not just theirs.

As I consider your situation, I see two things happening that lead to an outcome. First, senior leaders and colleagues didn’t behave as well as they could have. Second: you didn’t behave as well as you could have. The outcome was that a decision was made that presumably sits well with them but not with you. Since the outcome derived from the intersection of their behavior and your behavior, let’s consider both of those inputs.

Their Behavior

First, others didn’t behave well. They didn’t give you notice or time to prep. They challenged the process without supporting facts. We can all agree this is suboptimal. And it seems like even they would agree… since, as you say, they apologized. They have done what they can to repair the breach, especially if, as we can hope, their apology included a commitment to behave better going forward.

So now it is up to you. When someone behaves badly and then apologizes for it, we have a choice to make: will we accept the apology and move forward, or not. It seems to me that you aren’t yet ready to fully accept their apology because you are, as you say, upset and unsure of how to move forward. Your comment that “they ultimately got what they wanted” suggests that you won’t be fully satisfied unless they change their minds, reverse course on their decision, and (to be blunt) do it your way.

It can be natural when we’ve been harmed to want not only an apology and a commitment of future good behavior, but recompense for the previous bad behavior. However, I’d like to suggest two things. One, if this is the first time that these colleagues have behaved in this way, you should accept that apology and move on. Not every decision goes our way. Accepting their apology with commitment to change lays a solid foundation for future interactions and decisions. However, if this has happened before and you have legitimate reasons not to trust their good intent or the sincerity of their apology and likelihood of change, it is fair to address the trust issue with a conversation. You can simultaneously acknowledge the validity of this current apology and also place it in the context of the previous pattern of bad behavior –> apology –> no change. Make it clear it is this pattern that is impacting your faith in their current apology.

Your Behavior

The second and perhaps more salient issue is that you didn’t behave as well as you could have in that interaction. You acknowledged that you felt unprepared, cornered, and reactive; that because you felt overwhelmed you agreed to their request despite believing that the approach was inappropriate. Said another way, you violated your integrity. You agreed to something that you didn’t feel good about. My guess is that even more than their behavior, it’s your own sense that you didn’t show up the way you wanted that is contributing to your feeling stuck.

Feeling stuck is a cue to reflect: how do you want to show up in moments like this going forward? Because there will be moments like this again. It’s easy to behave well when others behave well. The true measure of our ability to handle such moments is reflected in  how well we show up even when others behave poorly.

As you reflect, consider: What skills would help you when you’re caught off guard? When someone behaves poorly? When things start unfolding in a way you don’t want? How do you pause, breathe, gather yourself, and respond in a way that aligns with your values, even under pressure?

An easy place to begin would be to develop a script you can use to pause or exit a conversation when you realize you need time to prepare. It might sound like, “Because this is important, I’d like some time to think about what you are suggesting.” Or, “Because I see this differently, I want to take some time to consider your viewpoint and also better share my own. Could we come back to this tomorrow after I have some time to reflect?”

Your script will likely vary from these as it needs to be authentic to you. But having a script ready to go when you need space in a conversation can help you respond when you feel caught off guard.

It’s easy to focus on how others should change. But it’s often more productive to focus on how we can show up differently ourselves. That doesn’t mean letting others off the hook. It means holding both: expecting better from others and also taking responsibility for our own contribution.

Respectfully,
Emily