Dear Crucial Skills,
How do you keep working with members in your team when they verbally attack you and management doesn’t advocate for you or validate the incident? I literally feel a panic attack coming on when I know I will be in a meeting with a certain person.
Signed,
Panicked
Dear Panicked,
Wow. That sounds really difficult. While I haven’t personally been triggered into a panic attack by someone at work, I can definitely relate to the feeling of dread that comes from knowing you have to interact with a particular person. It’s not fun—and it certainly doesn’t bring out my best when I walk into a conversation feeling defensive.
Here are a few things I’ve learned that may help.
Get a Second Opinion
You mentioned that you’re being verbally attacked and that management doesn’t validate the incident. That suggests a difference in perception: You see the behavior as a verbal attack, while your manager may not see it that way. In situations with conflicting perspectives, it’s often helpful to seek a second opinion.
Has anyone else witnessed the behavior? If so, do they agree it crosses a line? Are there others who’ve experienced similar interactions with this team member? How do they interpret the behavior?
Our perceptions—and the conclusions we draw (like “this is a verbal attack”)—are shaped not just by what others do, but by who we are and what we’ve experienced. Getting another point of view can help you calibrate your own.
If others don’t see the behavior as verbally aggressive, consider two possibilities:
- You may be drawing an inaccurate conclusion, or
- You may be working in a culture that isn’t a good fit for you.
Be Your Own Advocate
You said management hasn’t advocated for you. That’s painful—we all want to work with people who have our backs. But even when others don’t step in, you still have power. You can advocate for yourself.
You didn’t mention whether you’ve talked directly with your team member(s) about their behavior and how it’s affecting you. I’m going to assume you haven’t had that conversation yet. If that’s true, I’d encourage you to have it.
Prepare (hint: I know a great book that can help you get ready for this Crucial Conversation 😊). Practice. Ask a trusted friend to role-play and give you feedback. And then go have the conversation.
Worse case? Your team member will verbally attack you (in which case you haven’t lost anything because that is already happening). Best case? Your team member listens to you, gains some insight about their own behavior, and respects you enough to change.
There’s really only upside here.
Seek Help
If you’re experiencing panic attacks, please consider talking with a mental health professional. You don’t have to face this alone, and you deserve support as you navigate the stress.
Whatever you do, I hope you don’t settle for the situation you’re in. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and at ease in your work environment.
Thank you, Emily, for making point #1. I have been on that side of a work relationship. For two years, I tried to use Crucial Conversations skills to build a relationship with a coworker who didn’t focus her time on work. I wasn’t able to perform my job tasks until she completed hers, and we had very different feelings about missing deadlines. Over and over again, she disregarded my concerns, telling me and the team that she would meet timelines and then failing to meet them. Then she would ignore me when I tried to pull her away from social conversations to focus on work. Eventually I started showing my frustration in our conversations, and our supervisors were very understanding of my situation. So she felt her supervisor didn’t have her back when she complained about me.
Very relevant .. just 30 minutes a co-worker came to me about thinking there is a pattern of verbal abuse from a vendor and it won’t stop. We are taking the path you outlined. Thanks for producing this and hitting a common topic so clearly.
I would add on to possibility number 1 (“may be drawing an inaccurate conclusion”) to clarify that sometimes “inaccurate” is due to a difference in personal boundaries. Others might not see it as verbally aggressive, but perhaps their boundaries are different. At the end of the day, if the way they’re treating you makes you uncomfortable, that is what matters the most. This advice was given to me by a leader when I was dealing with a co-worker who often raised their voice at me. She didn’t necessarily find it to be abusive but still recognized that I wasn’t comfortable with it and that is all she needed to support me discussing it with my co-worker. Who, for the record, I am happy to report I eventually established a great working relationship with and still keep in touch today. I hope it works out well for you, Panicked!