Dear Crucial Skills,

I am working on my skill set of leading others. This is new to me, so I’m trying to learn how to give effective feedback on their work. I worry that I won’t be helpful, or worse, they’ll get defensive and I will lose future opportunities to give feedback. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Unsure

Dear Unsure,

First, let me commend you. Most new managers dread the idea of having to give feedback, and so they don’t. One large study we conducted suggests that about three quarters of us avoid difficult conversations, and a quarter of us put off holding some difficult conversations for more than a year.

When it comes to giving feedback, it doesn’t matter how skilled you are or how polished your words if there is one thing missing: trust. If your employee doesn’t trust your intent, believing you have their interests at heart, they won’t listen—period. This is the essence of psychological safety. To provide feedback that improves results you will need to do so in a way that invites them to willingly reveal how they’ve missed the mark and sincerely reflect on ways that lead to improvement. Without safety, they’re more likely to distort and defend than reveal and reflect.

But there’s a problem you’ll need to address: The brain doesn’t need a stark display of hostility to feel threatened. In moments of vulnerability, it only needs subtle, seemingly neutral cues—the slight raising of an eyebrow, a simple crinkle of your nose, or a break in eye contact can send a strong signal to the brain that it’s unsafe. Your job when delivering feedback is to generate evidence to the other person that they are safe. And you don’t accomplish that by beating around the bush or watering down the truth. Safety and truth are two independent variables. Don’t try to accomplish one by shorting the other. Instead, give 100% commitment to both. While your truth—the feedback you want to give—might still cause hurt, the pain from that feedback can become growth when others feel safe with you. People rarely get defensive about what you’re saying. People get defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.

It’s their perception of your intent that provokes defensiveness, not the sensitivity of the content. If they believe your intent is to embarrass, critique, or shame, they will feel—and act—unsafe. They’re unlikely to reveal all relevant information and reflect sincerely on what they need to do to improve. If, on the other hand, they think that your intent is to learn, find the truth, improve results and even strengthen a relationship, then there’s a reasonable chance you can lay out the truth as you see it and be fully heard.

Most of this belief is built in the relationship over time. The other person is likely to be convinced of your sincere intent after having seen it in your behavior. Once you’ve done the hard yet worthy work of creating a trusting and safe relationship, here are some practical skills that will help you deliver feedback effectively.

Share Your Good Intent

Expressing good intent does not mean flattering or trying to appease the other the person with irrelevant compliments. Expressing good intent means to make it clear to the other person that you care about them and their interests. Sharing your good intent sounds like this, “First, I want you to know that I think you are doing a nice job in your role. I also want you to see you grow in this agency and have the success you want to have. I want to share some ideas I think will help you do that.”

Share the Facts

When it’s time to give the specifics of the feedback, start with facts. Share what you have observed before you share your interpretation of what you’ve observed. You want to stay external by describing what’s happening outside your head (“You cut the person off mid-sentence”) as opposed to what’s happening inside your head (“You’re rude”). Facts are less controversial than opinions and feelings. Facts are more persuasive. Facts are the least insulting.

Be Brief and Direct

Be careful not to let your desire for improvement become a desire to lecture. Even if you use the first two skills, you can destroy safety by turning a simple statement into a drawn-out diatribe. We often use ten words when three would do, deliver long meandering openings, and share random and disconnected compliments. If you’ve created safety, be clear, succinct, and direct.

In the end, don’t isolate feedback to rare occasions that have some formal tradition surrounding them. Instead give short, honest, and helpful feedback on a regular basis. If you combine this feedback with consistent praise of excellent performance, you’ll not only help people improve, but you’ll quickly become one of the best bosses people have ever had in their career.

Justin