Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m in a personal situation where the other person has completely shut me out—getting back to safety is not happening. The other person will not respond—not even to emails. What is an appropriate way to make a last attempt? I’m thinking of sending one last message, something like, “If you would like to talk, please contact me. I would like to hear from you.” Then should I just wait it out? What can I do?

Signed,
Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I have learned from sad experience that not everyone values communication equally.

Never mind differences in values, sometimes our timing is not in sync. While you may benefit from having a conversation and trying to resolve conflict or find closure, it is reasonable to assume that others, at times, will weigh the benefits and risks of talking and determine that moving on, without talking, is less risky and more beneficial.

This can be incredibly difficult to accept when we find ourselves on the side of conflict that wants to work things out or find closure.

That said, there are a few things you can do.

First, let go of your desires for a specific outcome. When you let go of expectations for how or whether the other person shows up, you are free to better contemplate how you want to show up.

Second, try to think of a time in which you did not want to talk with someone who wanted to talk with you.

You currently find yourself as the pursuer of communication, but I bet with enough reflection you can recall a time when you were the pursued. What was that like? Why did you not want to communicate? Why were you unwilling to grant an audience to the person who so desperately wanted to hash things out or speak their piece or reconcile differences?

Remembering what it’s like to not want to communicate may help you empathize with the person who doesn’t want to communicate with you.

Finally, reflect on your relationship and see if you can identify anything you’ve said or done that may have influenced the other to retreat and refuse your requests, which seems inevitable given your estrangement. The easier story to tell ourselves in such situations is that the other person has given up on communication, that we are the noble and willing party, while the other is ignoble and unwilling. But there are more generous—and probably more accurate—interpretations of what’s going on inside the other person.

After you’ve looked hard at yourself, write the email. What you’ve suggested may suffice: “If you would like to talk, please contact me.”

But if in your reflection you recalled hurtful things you’ve said or done, you might also offer an apology and airtime.

Apologize for anything you’ve said or done that may have sent the other fleeing, and offer them uninterrupted airtime to express their anger, hurt, or frustration. Offer, in short, to be the lipless receptacle for their complaints and grievances. Humility offers your best chance of restoring a sense of safety.

Should you get a response, deliver on your promise. Listen without talking. Take it on the nose. Give them the airtime.

When they have finished, thank them for sharing what they did. Then ask for permission to respond. If granted, make it clear you have heard them.

If you have hurts that you need to share, hold onto them for a while. Don’t risk safety before it has stabilized. If the conversation progresses, you may ask the other person if they are ready to hear your complaints. If they aren’t, honor that. You may need to slowly and reassuringly hold the conversation over days and weeks.

I’m not suggesting you take responsibility for the other person’s emotions or subject yourself to abuse. Essentially I’m suggesting you give the other person a sense of control over whether, when, and how the conversation unfolds—and guide them in that process. Try to make it clear you will only go conversationally where you’re invited to go. Remember, you may not be invited. If that’s the case, go back to step one.

This is a high road, and not an easy one to walk. It will require courage, patience, and discipline on your part. Yet that is the stuff on which enduring relationships are built.

If that isn’t hard enough, consider this: Your email may get ignored. Then, six months later, out of the blue, this person may want to talk, and you will have moved on. You very well could find yourself not wanting to communicate. What would you do?

Restoring safety in personal relationships that have been strained to the point of silence and separation is rarely linear or predictable, and certainly not guaranteed. You likely have a circuitous and arduous path ahead.

But, like many challenging paths in life, it can be richly rewarding and worth the work.

I hope you find the peace and resolution you seek.

Ryan