Dear Emily,
I’ve used the techniques from Crucial Conversations in both personal and business situations with success but am now faced with the most critical conversation ever and I don’t know what to do. My husband has become increasingly enmeshed in politics. He is almost blindly devoted to Donald Trump and watches Fox News every night. My politics are far more central and I am a Democrat, and we are at odds. Despite being retired, we spend very little time together. I feel I cannot discuss or respond to his comments about fake news or politics. We have been married for almost 30 years and not until these last two or three did we ever discuss politics, and we’ve had a pretty great life. I do NOT want to give up on our marriage, but I feel alone. I asked him about counseling and he flatly refused. How do I proceed with this conversation? HELP!
Signed,
Stuck in Partisan Partnership
Dear Partisan Partnership,
Your question is as personal as they come. And I promise to address that personal, intimate conversation that you ask about. But before I do, I want to cast this question in broader context because it is impossible to read your question outside of what is happening in our country right now.
Political tribalism is tearing our country, our communities, and our families apart. It is beyond heartbreaking. We are retreating to our own camps, surrounding ourselves with like-minded people, listening only to those messages that comfortably reinforce our own beliefs. And, as we do so, we lose any sort of counterbalance and slowly we become the most extreme versions of ourselves.
It seems at times as if we have lost the ability to live among people who think differently than we do.
When opposing opinions and strong emotions are driving us apart, the solution is dialogue. The solution is to share our meaning and listen sincerely and diligently and openly as others share theirs. This is not just about being kind and tolerant. It’s in our interest to hear someone else’s point of view, to value our differences. Research has consistently shown that diverse thinking leads to better outcomes and that conformity leads to worse outcomes. Still, putting this into practice can be hard. So, let me offer three keys for cultivating a healthy relationship with someone who believes differently and two tips for holding the conversation with your husband.
Keys to Loving People Who Believe Differently
Believe that You Can
This tip might seem obvious, but I think some people have moved to such extremes that they no longer believe it is possible to live with and love those who think differently than they do on certain topics. If you want to have a strong relationship with someone, you have to believe that you can.
In order to believe you can love someone you strongly disagree with, you must first realize that you can achieve unity of purpose on some level. For example, review the following statements. Do you think you and your husband would both agree with at least some of these?
- My goal is to have a strong, healthy, joyous marriage. With you.
- I believe a Democrat and a Republican can have a strong marriage.
- I believe that our political beliefs are just one aspect of our identity.
- I believe there is much more to each of us than our political identities.
- I love these other aspects of you (list them).
If you can find agreement on these or other similar beliefs, you will have identified some mutual purpose on which you can build.
Set Boundaries
Healthy relationships have boundaries that are maintained by respect for oneself and one’s partner. When you have differences that trigger each other, it’s helpful to set some boundaries. You’ll need to decide what is right for you, but here are some boundaries to consider:
- Times: For example, “Let’s agree not to talk about politics during dinner.”
- Topics: “It seems like when we talk about politics, we both end up angry and frustrated. Let’s try not to talk about politics with each other for a week and see what happens.”
- Process: “I am willing to listen to your views and would like to understand them better. And, when you share your views, please do so in a way that doesn’t disparage or disrespect mine.”
Build Safety
Safety in a conversation comes when I know you care about me as a person and you care about my goals. You know I care about you and your goals.
You can accomplish this first by expressing your care for each other. Telling your partner, out loud, that you care about him or her can help to remind you both of the relationship you have and can help get a conversation back on track.
But while safety can be built during and through a conversation, at other times it is built aside from the conversation. Companionship is about more than conversation. It is also about shared interests. The pandemic restrictions have sharply curtailed many of the activities that people once did together. But they have also forced us to isolate in our homes with our families and roommates. I believe there are things you could enjoy doing with your partner, although they might be activities that are new and different. Find them. Find something other than talking about politics to fill your time.
Talking with Your Husband
Two thoughts more specifically on the conversation you need to have with your husband. I see your conversation as a gap conversation. There is a gap between the marriage you would like and the marriage you have. Note that I said marriage, not husband. It might be easy to say there is a gap between the husband you would like and the husband you have. But that will only lead to blame. Focus instead on the result you want: a happy, healthy marriage with your husband.
The first step in a gap conversation is to describe the gap, to get the other person’s perspective on the gap. “Here is how I see our marriage right now… How do you see it?”
That may be all you need to do in that first conversation. Listen to how he thinks and feels about your marriage. What is working or not working for him. Then, take some time and think about what he said.
Let’s assume that you come to some general agreement—that your marriage is not what it once was and could be better. You probably have very different ideas about what is causing the gap and how to close it. This is the second tip: ask him what he thinks. Ask him whether he has contributed to the gap in your marriage. Then listen.
It will be hard to do this because my guess is that he is like you. It is clear that you think the gap is caused by your husband. By his political beliefs. By the way he spends his time. If he is like you, he’ll think the gap in your marriage is caused by you. In other words, you will both think that the problem has been caused by the other person. Listen carefully and openly has he tells you this. Then, take some time and think about what he said about you. Ask him if he would be open to hearing what you think is causing some of the gap. Remember to create safety by sharing your intent. Why are you talking about this? Because you love him and you want to love being with him.
This is going to be a hard conversation, or series of conversations. But you have something amazing going for you: you have thirty years together.
One of the things we have found in studying relationships is that the health of a relationship is a function of the average lag time between identifying and addressing a problem. There is a definite lag here. Two to three years by your count. This is a relationship to be worried about. But, you can change. He can change. Relationships can get better. It doesn’t happen without work, without effort, and without pain, but you can do this. You can rebuild your marriage a conversation at a time. Go slow. Listen a lot. Process your emotions outside of the conversation, not during the conversation. Take a breath when you need it. Remind yourself of the goodness. Talk again.
Good luck,
Emily
Emily, you have addressed such a sensitive topic in a wonderful way. Thank you for your words.
Good advice, although I am very disappointed that you choose a case study on an angry male Trump supporter, and took the opportunity to bash Fox news. After “Build Safety”, your next sub title is “Talking With Your Husband”, instead of “Talking with Your Spouse”. I’m sure article was based on a real email, but I think you should have done a better job masking your political views for the sake of not turning off half your audience, as well as tarnishing the reputation of Vitalsmarts with your slanted narrative.
Thanks,
Jeff
Hi Jeff. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I’d love to address a couple of things in your message and would welcome additional thoughts. First, I didn’t think this was a case study about an angry male Trump supporter. I didn’t actually assume he was angry. Passionate, maybe. But I don’t see anything in the question or in my response that assumes he is angry. Most of the Trump supporters I know aren’t angry.
Perhaps you and I have a different data stream when it comes to people who support President Trump. Second, I am sorry if my response somehow bashed Fox News. I didn’t intend that. To me, this question and response wasn’t actually about Fox News or President Trump. It was about two people who have differences of opinions, strong ones. I hope we can all engage in dialogue with and relationships with people who see things differently. I do very much appreciate your point about the subtitle “Talking With Your Husband.” It is true–this was a response to a real email inquiry, as all our newsletters are. And I always try to hold the person who has written in my mind when I am responding, to remember that I am writing to a real person with real concerns. In this case, I should have broadened it to say Talking with Your Spouse. Because that was my intent… to help any of us who have to have tough conversations with our spouses.
I agree completely. In my marriage, it is the other way around. I tend to lean Republican, and my husband Democratic. He says that he feels like he is going to explode if I put Fox News on and immediately walks upstairs. He is being intolerant of my political views and appears to think he is automatically morally superior, which he is not.His attitude is hurting our marriage and leaves me feeling angry and, unfortunately, wanting to distance myself from him.
Why do you need FOX News on if you know how much it triggers him? My husband knows that I despise FOX News and he likes it. So he will turn it off if I come into the room. We seem to have a consensus of no cable news (except BBC) when the other is in the room. I like CNN and MSNBC, but don’t need to watch them in the house when he is home.
Way to go Peggy Lou
Hi Peggy Lou – I try to watch all the news channels if I am interested in a subject.
Great response. My wife has always been iffy and left leaning and it has never been a problem until Trump. Now she is as crazy left as can be, and everything revolves around how Republicans ruin the country and so on. I was raised right and have changed my beliefs on a few things, but gun rights I will never fold on. I was raised in Uvalde Tx. There is the role reverse of this article and I am genuinely concerned of her mental well being. She post constantly on Instagram, just dunking on everything Republicans do. I’ve confronted her a few times but yesterday I let her have it in the comments, only because she supported gun control. I lost my cool as she did and I went to work. The whole time an Ar15 and ak47 within 10 feet of where she sleeps, now is the problem. I’ve been shoot at a few times so protection is why. She never hesitant to bring up the fact we where on food stamps and abused hard drugs at the same time, not realizing the point. I swear. Apologies for being all over the place. I just want my friend back, my best friend.
I did interpret the response as you did. It’s not intended to target Fox News per se, it’s that her spouse has shifted his behaviors because of a program he watches religiously. I watch a Star Trek episode every night. My wife hates it and lets me know from time to time. If I were to put Star Trek over our marriage, it would be the same story. Many programs created a cult following, Twin Peaks, Game of Thrones, etc. And Fox News, and even MSNBC, and CNN definitely fall into this category. All of the above mentioned programs are designed to draw viewers into a cult like following.
This is a very good article. I especially like the part about setting boundaries, because those types of boundaries are not broad, but very specific. This is not the only publication that advises family members on how to resolve political stand offs within. Those type of articles confirms that there is a bigger issue, that we are on a brink of a civil war. Civil war is brutal since it turns your loved ones against you for the sake of the political beliefs and causes tremendous hardship and pain to the whole nation. I’m frustrated to learn that the democratically oriented wife, who calls herself “Stuck in Partisan Partnership” blames politics and her husband for her marriage issues. As Emily suggests, first the wife should start looking inside herself and accepting other points of views. The scary part is that the wife calls herself “central democrat” only, meanwhile she refuses to understand why her beloved husband is so frustrated. And this is after 30 years of marriage? I don’t think she comprehends that there are 75 millions voting Americans feel the same way as her husband. Until she accepts other points of views and become companionate to her husband feelings, her marriage is a lost case. While this article suggested on how to improve her marriage, it is silent about political differences. The issue here is not the “gap in the marriage” but the gap in accepting other political views. Emily herself needs to start accepting political views of others, before writing articles on how to fix marriage issues, which are originated on political bias. While Emily points process suggestions, none of them would work long term, until the main issue is resolved.
If we all love America we should be able to find a common ground to unite, but it can’t be a one-way-street. We all should meet in the middle.
I am in a similar situation and our marriage has been tested more than ever. I has taken a lot of patience from both of us and an ability to be able to “switch the station / conversation” in our dialogue when the temperature starts to escalate. The news just stays off when either one of us is in the room. If I get triggered when my wife’s conservative friends come over … I leave the room. This was my FB post yesterday and I got many responses:
WE ARE IN A POLITICAL AND HUMANITARIAN CRISIS.
I believe we need to stop trying to defend our political positions by denigrating other perspectives. Many times the phrases we use are defined different depending on who is using them. We need to read and listen to different papers and new stations then what we typically do. News reported by social media, podcasts, news stations and articles either don’t always report all the facts correctly or are biased by their position, or financial benefit. We need to prioritize our issues … take care of our earth … our home, and protect the safety of our people. We have to be brave enough to break away from our party and find a new language. IF WE DON’T START TRYING TO COLLABORATE AND COMPROMISE WE WILL JUST CONTINUE TO DISCONNECT AND RAGE AGAINST EACH OTHER. Our politicians have to meet each other across the aisle as much as we need to communicate with our neighbors across our fences.
The problem I see here is that I don’t feel I have to respect someone elses view when they say 2+2=5. There is no such news channel as Fox News, it is for entertainment. When beliefs are based on facts, I can respect them. I believe in gun rights but not unfettered. We can have different beliefs on that and I can respect your belief. There is a difference.
This is a really interesting & well written article. My husband of 40 years & I are in a similar situation. We have tried to treat each other (& each other’s view points) with respect. Some of my hardest conversations are with other family members who can’t understand why I stay with him- I find this a terrible and very narrow view which just further empathizes our country’s growing inability to connect with others who think differently from ourselves.
My Spouse is this topic exactly with one exception. He is so over the top involved, so passionate, he gets mad at me for not supporting him because, “he “knows” what he thinks or says to be the “truth.” I am a nurse. I am on the side of science. He bombards me with everything from Cloning, Actors drinking baby blood, Covid testing swabs are going to give people cancer, and on and on and on. It literally is exhausting for me. I am at a point where I feel like he is going crazy. He told complete strangers who were walking their daughters puppy to “be prepared to have to eat that puppy when the world goes to shit and there is no food on the shelves and you are fighting just to stay alive.” WTH? Seriously? I was mortified. Shit like this happens all the time. I want to disappear and not be associated with his craziness. He thinks I am a sheep and I think he is losing his mind. I am beyond frustrated. He sees no good in the world and keeps up the delusions going by falling prey to videos, facebook, and the news (if you can call it news). I am at a loss. I love him but I have a job where he represents me in our town when he is out and about. It is starting to get back to me the things he says or does (like confronting people while they are eating because they “look like democrats”. Starts confrontations with random people. I am seriously at a loss. Oh, and the FBI came to our place to talk to him about the things he says on Facebook. He thought it was completely normal. Needless to say I am beyond frustrated.
You are correct to be concerned that behavior is questionable. I am not sure a conversation to repair the gap is the answer. I would say you need professional help in dealing with his behavior.
Dear Emily, Unfortunately I to have been saddened and lost by my wife’s immersion into politics. I am a family therapist and despite my knowledge and experience have become despondent by this dark chapter of our marriage. I’m also embarrassed as a therapist I can’t seem to get out of this rut. She feels empowered by broadcasting her messages ( rage and fear ) via FB and instagram based on the daily news or podcasts or multiple groups she follows. My family (kids, siblings, relatives) and friends are politely looking the other way but will sometimes leak to me their bewilderment. My wife and I agreed not to talk politics and that has helped. It’s not that I don’t necessarily disagree with her perspectives, but it’s more about her rage and frantic eruptions which she says comes from fear that leave me emotionally exhausted. I just bought a third home in a state she feels more comfortable which I really had no interest in doing so personally. She has a charmed life and yet projects misery rage and fear. I suggested she try counseling and I attended several sessions with her. She felt ganged up and I backed off. I hate the effect of what social media and politically motivated podcasts have had on my wife. Sadly, AH
Social media has been a big contributor in the ruination of this country. Let’s remember when it first came out back in the late 90s/2000s with MySpace, people would connect with friends, share a vacation photo here or there, keep up with high school friends, etc.; and now it’s turned into an online war forum where people are consistently posting messages meant to trigger those with differing political views. Just last evening a friend was texting me because he and his daughter were having an argument on Facebook over something she posted that wasn’t really political, but more along the lines of hate; and she lives in Canada, so US politics plays a very small role where she lives.
I recommend a discussion with your spouse about turning off social media for the next 5 months, until after the upcoming election, and dedicating some date time without smartphones (leave them at home and go out to eat, etc.) to focus on each other. It may be difficult, however it can be done. I turned off Facebook approximately 15 years ago, and I don’t recall missing it for a moment since the people who I really want to stay connected with, I have their contact information and can text or call.
My husband and I, while we both have the same political views, completely stopped watching all cable news networks about 3 years ago because we were both getting upset and in foul moods just by what we were seeing on tv. Turning it off has greatly reduced our stress levels, and even though we agree politically, it’s also made us stronger as a team, and we now spend more quality time together and away from the tv.
I hate my marriage now since Trump came o the scene and my husband retired he eat sleeps and breaths conservative politics. I get out of the house as much as possible, try to eat as few a meals with him and live In the bedroom away from him and the tv. I am living a nightmare. I did not sign up for this and really can’t take much more.
This is exactly how I feel. My wife listens to conservative talk radio all day (with headphones) and we barely speak anymore during the week. If I try any kind of political conversation, she gets angry and belligerent. She is better on weekends when the radio shows aren’t broadcasting. She said she has always been conservative and that’s news to me. She never gave any inclination when we met and even through the years. If she has been hiding this all along, I feel totally lied to. I wish she would have been honest with me. I love her but I am not sure I can spend the rest of my life this way.
I both respect and am saddened by these personal anecdotes. I am respectful for all sharing their personal situations. And saddened that the country I was born and raised and love has become so divided the way it has.
I am in a similar situation as McKay (not sure if you will be below or above this post) in my personal life with my wife, except she has never had interest in politics until more recently in our 15 yr relationship and has only become more inflamed since 2016. I now feel she has become more extreme and sources most of her information through social media and like-minded family and friends. I try to be as open- minded as possible but also have my political biases.
However, I have not wavered from my political sympathies since the time we met, and she, initially, was very apolitical. But this has changed on a steady trajectory over the post 8 years or so. We have tried to understand each other’s views/perceptions/rationale on a number of occasions, but would typically devolve into and intense argument. I eventually decided that it would be best if we do not talk about politics at all, which she agreed, and has been much better.
I do still very much struggle when I am with her family and I hear their ongoing grievances, which I find utterly baseless or misinformed. I stay to myself instead of inciting a potential argument, but it is still very tough for me to hear as I think the vast majority of their thoughts are bonkers. What I struggle with the most is that I have married and love someone who has such differing thoughts on issues that I consider so morally different than I feel and for a very long time she did as well.
I get really frustrated and stressed at times, especially when I see something so outrageous in politics and how she can align or easily dismiss. It hurts me that it makes me feel as if we are seemingly so un-alike regarding certain values and comments associated with the ongoing political rhetoric.
I thought I would share my personal experience as well here. It has been a personal struggle for me and I try and move on from it when the negative feelings pop into my consciousness, but I find this rather difficult at times and it’s difficult for me as I start to feel as if I do not know her anymore.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and know that you’re not alone in these divided times. I’m hoping 🙏 that once we move on from these two old guys (45th & 46th prezs) that we can have a sort of reset and be able to unite instead of divided.
Sincerely,
BD
Same here BD. I’m even thinking of moving away when I retire it’s so bad. We been together since 2003 and it is the same also as with you, it didn’t start until Trump came on the scene. It probably wouldn’t be this way if I didn’t have a lifelong interest and a graduate degree in American history. My husband thinks that only Republicans love this country and need to save it from the rest of us. He doesn’t get it that I went into that field because I too, love my country.
I just can’t stand the rhetoric, FOX News, the Facebook posts, and everything else. People think from his Facebook posts and profile that I’m also MAGA, which creates quite a scene when they find out otherwise and decide to rip on me. He doesn’t defend me either (Of course, with my education and knowledge, I don’t need defending). It’s just not what I wanted to be doing or feeling when we retired and the situation is only getting worse. I don’t think I matter anymore. Just his politics.
Same here. Matters are worse because I have a graduate degree (Two actually), in American history & have studied political science. Way back in 2003 when we met, he thought it was cool to be with such a smart, educated woman who knew her way around American history and the Constitution. It didn’t matter to him that I was a Democrat (Actually, I’m pretty much a staunch Moderate) or that he was a very Conservative Republican. We didn’t even discuss politics then. It didn’t really matter because there weren’t any severe issues with the people in our government because they behaved like and I think, were decent people.
Now, with Trump and his MAGA groupies, my husband has become this extremist MAGA minion even to the point of flying our flag upside down. (No. That’s not how it’s supposed to fly I told him this morning and said I will take it down if he does that again). He doesn’t understand that I want nothing to do with this type of rhetoric and behavior of hating people simply because of their political affiliation and especially with this “in your face” conversation style he seems to adopted. He was never like that for most of our time together.
We live in different parts of the house now, and I rarely talk to him anymore because only conspiracy theories and “fake news” comes out of his mouth. He calls all college educated people “Brainwashed ignorant liberals.” I’ve called him on that one because I’m college educated, but he always says that he didn’t mean me specifically. I don’t go out to eat with him and his family (They’re all MAGA’s too), I don’t go on vacation with him and don’t want him going with me because it always comes down to some derogatory remark about Democrats or blacks or someone else who doen’t fit his MAGA mindset. It’s just not what I had planned for our years of retirement together.
I’m really seriously thinking of moving far away when I retire in two years. I don’t like my life with him right now and it seems a shame to throw away this many years, but he is not the person I fell in love with and the distance is only increasing.
I have posted before on this but seeing new posts I wanted to comment. I see a lot of comments saying that we just don’t talk about politics anymore. That is what my husband and I agreed to. But it makes me feel lonely. We can’t discuss current events. Even things that are politics adjacent can’t be discussed. That has gotten us through the last 8 years. But with the election heating up, the silence will feel deafining.
I have also been trying to define what his red lines are. This was what was unnerving in the beginning – moral lines that kept getting crossed and instead of it causing Trump to lose my husband’s support, he just decided that that didn’t matter anymore. So what are his lines this time? Leaving NATO? Aligning with Putin? Will he support mass detention camps? Will he support seperating babies from their mothers at the border again?
I want to think that politics shouldn’t end a marriage but how do you live with someone who is ok with things that are contrary to your own moral code? Should it just not matter?
Hi Ginger,
I highly recommend the book The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics And Religion by Jonathan Haidt. Until I read his book, I was totally ignorant of why I disagreed so vehemently with others when it came to politics. Haidt’s Moral Foundations Theory is a great tool to use in conjunction with Crucial Conversations Dialogue. All the best to you and your husband!
I’ve been living with a very reactive conservative wife and have come to detest social media, the podcasts, and of course Tucker and co. However I also can’t stand the catastrophizing by CNN. I’m more of a moderate and can see valid points from both parties but what is so challenging in the marriage is the degree of reactivity by my wife. I find the best resolve is setting up boundaries that we both … try… to respect. Fox goes off when I come in from work and I won’t turn on NBC. We don’t bring up political topics unless we are somewhat aligned. When going out with friends we announce early that it would be best to have a political free evening. Regardless, my marriage has taken a hit and we try to talk it out and refocus … redirect dangerous conversations. In the end hopefully the marriage connection is agreed to be more of a priority than our sad political state of affairs.
What is so hard is that there are moral quandaries involved not just policy issues. And because politics leads to arguments we can never get to what our basic morals are. I thought I knew what his morals were when I married him, but after Trump I don’t know what they are anymore. It is startling how things I would have thought would be a red line for him isn’t. I want to understand what his line is. Or does it just change based on whatever the right wing says is ok? Would he be ok if the Democrats did the same thing.
Hi Emily, great article, and it applies not only to American politics. It is everywhere in the world. My wife became a radical leftist. Myself I am “radical” moderate. I don’t lean to any side of these polarized political views. They cause much more harm than good. She doesn’t speak with some members of my family anymore. She doesn’t listen and she is willing to vote and support a notorious corrupt politician, Lula in Brazil, just to fight the far-right candidate. She told me she is ashamed to let her friends know that I will not support her extremist choices. I still love her, we had a great, but painful talk like you suggested. We understand each other better, but her radical views are still there. I feel they are taking a pause for the next crisis. I don’t know what to do.
Stuck in Partisan Partnership.
I am living in the same world as you. My husband and I do tend to believe in the same politics. But the talk of politics and the negativity is driving me crazy. He is losing himself in a world of negativity. Everything he watches on TV or phone has to do with politics or how terrible people are now a days. Believe me I see it, I believe it but he’s consumed with it. I go to my bedroom and let him have the living room. He will even listen to music that talks politics. I seriously feel for you. And don’t go where he can talk politics to anyone else. That’s a real bad one. Even if they both agree on the subject he gets overheated. We also have been married for 28 yrs. Near enough to 30 and I hope we’ll be able to make it to 30. Him and I have been together for 35 yrs and married 28 of those yrs. I just wanted to tell you that your not alone, good luck and god bless.
Your story is what I am also living. My husband and I both hold the same views but his have become so extreme it is difficult to hold political conversations. It has come to the point of me diverting conversations for I know it will get heated and he will disregard my responses. Our marriage is definitely stressed since politics plays a bigger role these past several years. I hope we survive this.
SO HELPFUL…….HAPPY TO HAVE MY EX- BACK, THANKS DR_M A CK…………………YAHOO .COM
Hi
Hi Emily,
Recognizing that this is an old post, I still wanted to offer some input since I find myself in a similar situation. My fiancé is conservative and a total fan of Donald Trump. We are both Christians and are aligned on most things but we part ways when it comes to Donald Trump. He frequently brings politics into our relationship and although I did tell him that I am not at all political, he corners me often about how I can reconcile being a Christian and being a Democrat since he feels that Democrats support a more liberal lifestyle. I do love him but I am more focused on having a loving relationship vs bringing politics into our relationship. He complies with my boundaries for a while, then falls back into his old routine of badgering me. I am to the point of questioning whether we can be successfully married, so I’m taking a time out to pray about this situation. I think it is pretty sad to let politics ruin a loving relationship.
Hello, while I appreciate the author of the article’s graciousness, I do believe it would be incredibly naive at this point (July 2024) not to acknowledge the reality of potential for further destruction to democracy with this 2024 ticket of Trump/Vance. We have a felon and charlatan vying for the highest powers in the land. What woman can easily rise above this in marriage, especially as we look at our daughters and granddaughters and we know that the one thing worse than racism in this country is sexism? And where does that leave you if you have minority children, esp females? We may (or not) agree with LGBTQ or gender identity but they’re not killing anyone; runaway cops are though. The bottom line with Trump/Vance/FOX is hatred. Hatred for minorities. With women in this country being near the top of their list. How do we reconcile that in our marriage? For women, certain crucial aspects of marriage start in the mind. How? Unless of course we don’t really understand what’s at stake. Then I suppose ignorance is bliss. For a little while anyhow. Let’s just all acknowledge this is more than we could’ve ever foreseen when we said our vows but said them we did and so all we can do is pray (if we’re Believers) and do the best we can. And yes, leave the room when FOX is on the tv.
While I identify strongly with the views expressed here, I suggest that expressing them in this way only adds fuel to the fire. The real problem that’s featured, I believe, is polarization and intolerance – the “We versus They” perspective which promotes intolerance and mutual disrespect. Politicians, particularly, seem to thrive on this approach which is currently accelerating to the point of mutual destruction. We can only pull back from the brink by promoting openness, generosity and empathy.
There’s a difference between fear-mongering and warning and that difference is “fact.” But you’re saying we’re not supposed to warn the people of a areal and present danger bc it may incite the people to do harm? And so we don’t warn the people who may very well listen, the undecided or not-voting, of the reality and then what?
No. I’m saying that separating ourselves from others, and from their different opinions, rather than making reasonable attempts to understand and to find common ground, only contributes to the underlying problem. We share far more in common than could ever separate us.
Hi Hope,
I used to think and feel much like you do now towards Trump/Vance/FOX, except that my viewpoint was politically opposite and directed instead towards Obama/Biden/CNN. What helped me wake up and become more self-aware of my mindset was reading “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics And Religion” by Jonathan Haidt. While it’s still a struggle sometimes, I now have much more compassion and understanding for those folks I disagree with. Of course, Crucial Conversations has thankfully provided me with the tools for civil dialogue. It’s not easy, but it works for me when I use it.
Whenever I feel the urge to hate someone, I try to remember that hate is not a fruit of the Holy Spirit (see Galatians 5:22).
Also, I really like Eric Hoffer’s quote “Passionate hatred gives meaning and purpose to an empty life.”
All the best!
First, I need to clarify I’m referring to those of us calling ourselves Believers or Christians. As for the world, I don’t judge but neither do I have empathy for DJT supporters at this point in time bc it’s nothing short of willful ignorance and I know bc I regretfully did support the orange liar in 2016 (but not 2020). There’s too much at stake. I don’t hate anyone bc I do know and believe Jesus when he equates anger against our believing brother with murder. I do pray however for the Lord to make a way for the stubborn ones to hear the truth the way He did for me. I also hear what people are saying about not “tearing down the country, or pulling back on language so as not to cause deeper division” but I don’t entirely agree. An excerpt from a piece I read entitled “We Will Be Hated” (talking about Believers) “Of course, the rejection of the Jews by the cultured, civilized world of the Twentieth Century came to them as an absurd surprise. When warnings were first given, they were incredulous. “Impossible! This is Twentieth Century Europe!” Wild-eyed prophets who escaped to tell them what they had seen in the camps—naked, emaciated bodies, corpses consumed by flames, the smell of burning flesh rising from the stacks—were ignored as madmen.
Then one day immaculately dressed officers with shiny boots and smiling faces stepped out of their cars and began directing the exodus. Exodus? Surely these men are decent human beings. They can’t be capable of the things those madmen described! It all happened so swiftly. So efficiently.”
Do you get my point? What is the line between speaking the truth, not spin, not conspiracy, but truth to the lies, warning others about what can and likely will eventually repeat itself to some degree if DJT and his cohorts are back in power (if not by him then someone not far down the line from him)? What’s the line between that and toning down the reality of what we’re facing? Are we actually doing anyone any favors? I think we need to alarm those who can still be alarmed. The independents or moderates who aren’t sure yet. I’m not saying to be belligerent but at such a time as this, hard words need to be spoken. Does anyone even think there’s going to be a peaceful transfer of power in Nov if the Dems somehow win? If it’s not a landslide that shuts down any revolt or conspiracy? It’s our only chance and strong arguments are needed. This is not the time to stay silent from the way I see it. No. And It’s 4 short months away. I’m not saying to go looking for a fight but if someone brings you one, be unequivocal in our arguments, know our history. As mentioned, I actually voted for DJT in 2016, but not in 2020. For nearly 13 years I listened to FOX and was a strong, if not staunch, believer in the goodness of the Right, an advocate of right-wing politics. I actually (and sadly) believed people on the left calling themselves Believers was outrageous. But the Light went on in an indelibly painful and life changing way and I will fight against the lies of Franklin Graham to the best of my ability, and all those money hungry clergy and exploiters who promote Trump for their own benefit. And so much more that this party represents. He is likely going to be a part, if not the reason, of something very bad coming our way and people need to be warned. For those who are convinced of DJT, there’s nothing anyone can say, no matter how well you reason or argue, don’t waste your breath as it will fall on deaf ears, and asking clarifying questions does nothing to help them understand. It’s pointless. Our best way is to reach those who are able to hear the warnings about DJT/Vance/FOX, Amy Coney Bryant, Franklin Graham and others on the Right, that it will help deepen their understanding. As for our spouses, just say your piece, keep loving as best you can and keep praying. But don’t get caught up in empathy or sympathy if they’re just being downright willful.
We need to continue to love our spouses unconditionally, be appreciative of our spouse’s care and contributions, humble, avoid arguing and pray but first we must process and accept that as a married couple we are not “as one” and our partner will not likely protect us and our children from the onslaught of a tyrant — if they don’t wake up bc they don’t see the danger coming. Still, if we’re Believing women (or men), then we can’t run when the going gets tough. We must be resolved to pick up our Cross and follow Him. Also, it being nearly Aug 2024, there may not be many of those who are undecided. I’m not sure how many will have opportunity to help others understand what’s at stake. The country is at the brink on so many levels and the writing appears to be on the wall — at least the way I see it. It’s one day at a time.
Hi Emily, you sound like you want to follow Jesus and do the right thing and avoid arguing but your partner-to-be has been crossing boundaries. I hope you have seriously considered this aspect of his character. Christianity or no.
As for being a follower of Jesus, the DJT issue is huge because Franklin Graham, and many others from the Religious Right have used their platform to cause 81% of Evangelicals to vote as a bloc in 2016 (sadly, myself included). There was nothing wrong with individuals voting their conscience (between them and God) and back then (2016) many of us didn’t know what we know now, but for these Clergy to use their platform to promote a man of such low integrity saying “this is God’s man” and influence the people was downright wrong. (Romans 14:22 The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.) And again, just last week with Franklin Graham still promoting Trump. It’s egregious, all things considered. If Trump’s rhetoric has been horrible for the last 8 years just what do we think it will become with him and his VP pick going forward with no holds barred? Ultimately, all of these men are minority-haters (with Believers at the top of the list of whom they hate) who want to keep the power, money and influence in their circles, their families. Sadly, their followers, Christian or no, are caught up in a dangerous agenda. It can happen to any of us. Pray for your loved one and beware that Matt 24 is coming more and more into focus. And someday it will be John 16:1-7, too. God bless.
same sitch. my fiancée only watches stuff on her phone that supports her views, whatever they may be. im not getting into that nonsense. she gets enraged when she feels she is right and refuses to listen or consider any other views. it’s bordeline insanity. adults are supposed to be able to talk without becoming emotional children but it is what happens. we were talking last night about the price of everything in the US is out of control and she immediately took a point of view that was political and became enraged immediately.
only listening to one side of something, especially when it is ONLY what you believe to be true is poisoning people and destroying the world . . .
Sounds like the wife has a case of Trump Derangement Syndrome and is projecting her own political intolerance on to him. If I were him I would leave her for someone sane.
Saying “Trump Derangement Syndrome” is an abusive tactic by a disrespectful person used to manipulate and minimize the impassioned, yet unproductive, plea against Trump/Vance. The use of such a term is directly from the Republican playbook. That said, the woman would be wise to save her breath and educate people who aren’t already deeply caught up in an agenda.
The original post is from 2021, the most recent responses are from last week, so it’s an ongoing problem. Is it Donald Trump himself that creates this? I don’t remember a time in politics when it was this heated. I thought we had made progress but it was another bad explosive scene tonight. He sucks in everything Trump says, I’m a lifelong Democrat. I’ll never understand trump’s appeal to anyone let alone my husband.
It’s called being “caught up in an agenda” and it’s easy for any of us to do so. For many of us who’ve been caught up before, it often takes some type of rude awakening to see what’s real.
My sister in law (who was dying of cancer at the time) asked me if I could think of one good thing that DT had done – he was President at the time. She was, weirdly in my view, looking for a fight. I thought for a long time and finally said ‘He has shown us that we have a whole group of people who feel ignored, not heard, battlers who are struggling and we need to find a way to work things out together.’ I still feel this way – my life is tough right now as my husband broke his neck five months ago and is still in rehab, making steady but slow progress. Even with this I know I have it easier than many other people. Listening not lecturing is a key skill.
Hi Emily – I liked your answers with one minor outlier: “Process: ‘I am willing to listen to your views and would like to understand them better. And, when you share your views, please do so in a way that doesn’t disparage or disrespect mine.'”
I recently went through this same thing with a friend. I tried to be respectful of his views and find common ground with him. He vilified everything I said and denigrated my beliefs. Even when I agreed with some of the things he said; he would twist what I said and vilify my words again. When I tried to retreat and restart, the same cycle would begin again until he demanded that I apologize for insults that I did not say. I decided to let him go as a friend, but told him that I would welcome him back at any time if he wanted to have another open discussion. That is where I disagree with your comment. When dealing with highly emotional subjects, disparaging or disrespectful viewpoints are subjective. I have tried to look at our conversations and determine if my words were disrespectful or disparaging but cannot see that they were. I simply disagreed with his viewpoint. However, you can still disagree and be respectful of the person. That is probably what I would list in your process: “I am willing to listen to your views and would like to understand them better. When you do share your views, please be respectful towards me, and I will do the same for you.”
Could it be that there’s a deeper issue here, both in the original case and in your response? The deeper issue is ‘radical polarity’ where each individual operates from the assumption that we define ourselves by our differences rather than by our agreements. We share far more in common with others than can ever separate us, but the vast majority of social processes tend to ignore this truth. Whenever we are faced with an external threat we will collaborate and even bond. When external threats are minimized, we tend to turn upon one another. Ideas are very personal yet only have leveraging power when shared and accepted. I agree with Emily, differences need to be de-emphasized, not promoted and preserved.
Hi Emily,
I’m a Trump voter and I love this article! A great resource that has helped me understand both myself and others is the book The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics And Religion by Jonathan Haidt. I believe Crucial Conversations Dialogue is the best way forward and Haidt’s book provides a wonderful framework for understanding the origins of our differences and disagreements.
Emily, brave of you to tackle this, and applauds for how you engaged with it. All this conversation both saddens me and affirms our choice to move out of the country, even before all this polarity began. Hopefully something will right itself, as things tend to do in the US. But many thanks for providing your (and Crucial’s skills) for assisting people in addressing these issues.
Hi David,
We need you to stay here in the USA to help us with Getting Things Done!
It greatly saddens me to see and hear about how relationships and marriages are being torn apart because of current political views. I think we are actually in a spiritual battle, and we have to remember that the enemy comes only to kill, steal and destroy. He does his best to tear apart marriages, friendships, families, etc. I read something once that really impacted me. “If you collect 100 black ants and 100 fire ants and put them in a glass jar, nothing will happen. But if you take the jar, shake it violently and leave it on the table, the ants will start killing each other. Reds believe that black is the enemy, while blacks believe that red is the enemy, when the REAL enemy is the person who shook the jar.” I challenge each person to think about who is “shaking the jar” right now. I know I was entrenched in it the last few years, but have stopped listening to anything about politics because I really believe that both sides lie and are just trying to keep us all fighting. Blacks vs. whites, democrats vs. republicans, sports teams vs. other sports teams, etc. By listening, I found myself fearful from all their “predictions of disaster” and hanging onto every word to find out the next “big news”. But I realized what it was doing to me, and that the “predictions” never seemed to come true anyways. So I just stopped listening. I find myself happier and more joyful and have peace by trusting God, and not the media, news, politicians, etc. I know it’s difficult when there are opposing views in a marriage, but I would suggest trying to find things that you can agree on, and agreeing to limit time listening to politics. Get back to the things you used to love doing with your spouse and turn the TV off. If you could see behind the scenes, after the filming is done, these politicians are all actually friends with each other. We need to wake up and stop letting them manipulate us. If you found out you only had a week to live, would politics be of any concern to you? I’m guessing not. Your relationship with your spouse, family and friends is what truly matters. Let’s focus on what truly matters and let the rest go. When we stop watching and participating, they may just stop shaking the jar.
Hi Jill, I hear what you’re saying and I think it’s important to step back and re-group in regard to politics. But I won’t stop speaking out altogether because as a Christian I believe in the scripture that says “Love always protects” and I believe that if DJT/Vance get into office in November (and I also believe they likely will but I can never grow weary of doing good), that if they do win the power seat, then any gains minorities (defined women, Blacks, Mexicans, LGBTQ) have made will go backward, like Iran. Eventually, followers of Jesus will also be at the top of their hate list even though Evangelicals will be a large part of their constituency (they’re making a terrible mistake the way I see it.) It’s critical, if we’re Christian, to be in prayer often and to be wise when and to whom we speak. No sense in getting abused and that can be avoided, at least for now. As far as marriages go, just knowing we can’t control anyone or make anyone see anything, so we learn to respectfully and calmly state our piece and then let it go– not wasting precious time and energy. There’s a lot of work to be done. We can trust the One who is in control. Hope this helps.
Good article, thank you.
Hi Emily,
I wish Crucial Learning offered a book/course that provided methodologies & tools that regular people can use to help them answer the following two questions:
(1) How does one know that a fact claim is true, partially true or false?
(2) How does one know that a value claim is good, foolish or evil?
It seems to me that some irrational beliefs and a few corrupt values are the root cause of the polarization we’ve been recently experiencing.
I believe Ryan Trimble probably knows all about this subject matter as he helped me in the past.
Thank you!
There may well be a challenge here in that the human or mortal mind is a compendium of our individual experiences and destined to perish with our physical bodies at some point, whereas the spiritual mind is independent of same and eternal. This latter mind would be where Truth and Good actually exist and we have no way of fully comprehending either but rather can only accept them for what they really are – I call this ‘faith’. Can faith be learned? or is it actually ‘earned’?