Dear Crucial Skills,

How do you get your kids to behave in restaurants when they won’t listen without resorting to spanking or threats of physical abuse?

Signed,
Tempted

Dear Tempted,

Whether someone has children or not, I think almost all of us can relate to the near universal frustration that comes when someone else isn’t behaving the way we want them to behave. My kids in a restaurant, my teammates in a project meeting, my neighbors and their ridiculously loud music or free-ranging and poop-dropping dog. We have expectations of others, those expectations aren’t realized, and we get frustrated. It is easy in those moments to move to power as a solution. What leverage do I hold? What threat can I make? Or worse, what physical consequences can I mete out?

When it comes to using power to create change, four things are true:

• Power is real.
• Some people have more than others.
• Power works in the short-term to exact change in others behavior.
• There are costs to using power—to relationships, results, and the long-term sustainability of change.

Recognizing those costs of using power, I applaud your search for a better way to influence your children. Before I offer some suggestions on ways to approach this situation, let me first note the obvious—all children are different. If your children have specific developmental or behavioral challenges, you would be wise to seek the counsel of a trained therapist or child development expert.

Challenge Your Own Expectations

The moment when someone fails to meet your expectations (e.g. You expect your kids to sit quietly and eat politely when you are in restaurants) should be a trigger for you to examine those expectations. Before jumping to judging and changing the other person, take a minute to assess. Are your expectations fair? Are they developmentally appropriate? If your child is three years old and you are expecting her to sit quietly for two hours while you and your partner enjoy a leisurely dinner, you definitely need to readjust your expectations. Just because you want something to happen doesn’t mean that it should or can happen. Make sure your expectations are realistic and fair.

Describe Your Expectations

Set your child up for success by helping understand the expectations before you start. For some kids, this might mean simply saying, “I expect you to be on your best behavior.” If that is your approach, you’d best be sure that your definition of “best behavior” and your child’s definition of “best behavior” is the same. Depending on the age of your child, this conversation will sound different. I find it helpful to initiate this conversation early in the day, long before we are at the restaurant. I usually start with asking them, “How do you think you should behave when we are at the restaurant later today?” It can also be helpful to follow up with, “And what are some things you shouldn’t do when we are at the restaurant?” Get their input and use the conversation as an opportunity to teach them what respectful behavior does and doesn’t look like.

Make It Easy; Make It Motivating

So, you’ve held the conversation with your child, and they have agreed to behave respectfully at the restaurant. Woo-hoo! It’s time to celebrate, right? Nope. Establishing a shared expectation is the first step, not the last step. If you truly care about an outcome, you need to partner with the other person to make that happen.

Kids (and people) are more likely to engage in a behavior if it is easy and enjoyable. While you can’t (and shouldn’t) make everything easy and enjoyable for your child, if you really want them to do something you should consider how you could make it easier and more enjoyable.

To make things easier, consider:

• Cues and reminders: As you are heading into the restaurant, ask, “So, what did you agree to do and not do at the restaurant tonight?”
• Skills and tools: What skills does your child need to learn to deal with boredom? Sitting in a restaurant while your parents are talking and eating can get awfully boring. What skills or techniques can you give your child to deal with boredom? This will look different for different families, but in our family, it is acceptable to bring a book and read after you are finished with your meal.

To make things more enjoyable, consider:

• Praise: It’s incredibly easy to notice and point out when your child is misbehaving. But make sure to notice and praise when they are behaving. “Wow, you are doing such a great job sitting here at the table and being a part of this conversation!” or “I know we’ve only been at the table a few minutes, but I can already tell how hard you are trying to wait patiently for our meal to be served. Great job!”
• Rewards: Bribing or paying for good behavior is generally not a sustainable strategy for behavior change (for children or adults!). But rewards do work. So, consider how you might use a small reward to help encourage your children to meet your expectations. Sustainable incentives or rewards might include watching a movie together at home after a dinner out, inviting a friend to dinner next time, or enjoying dessert afterward.

Aim for Progress, Not Perfection

Children are learning and growing, so don’t expect them to be perfect the first time out. Be patient with them and with yourself. Look for and celebrate progress rather than waiting for perfection.

Good luck!
Emily