Dear Crucial Skills,
I’m struggling with a longstanding, unresolved issue with my father-in-law. For years I’ve tried to have a Crucial Conversation with him, but he refuses to engage and I’m at a loss for how to move forward. I don’t want a relationship without resolution. My husband is loving and supportive, but we both tend to avoid conflict, and even thinking about this struggle affects our motivation and wellbeing. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired
Dear Tired,
If I understand your question correctly, you have tried to communicate with your father-in-law, but he won’t reciprocate, and the unresolved conflict—now years old—weighs on you.
There are two options for resolving the tension you feel: get the airtime you seek and have a meaningful dialogue that leads to closure, or accept that this may never happen and process the related feelings.
The former option is probably more satisfying and better for everyone involved, so let’s start there.
But first, a forewarning.
I know you said that you’ve tried to talk, but I have no idea what your efforts have looked like. I also am writing with a certain belief in mind: that the best way to change my relationship with anyone or anything is to change myself.
So, I’m going to suggest you work on yourself. Given that you’ve been trying to communicate for years, this may feel deflating. I hope you know I’m not suggesting that the problem—whatever it is—is your fault.
As I see it, there are two kinds of skills we teach in Crucial Conversations: internal and external. The internal skills are about addressing ourselves; the external skills are about expressing ourselves.
While both are important, the external skills don’t go far if we haven’t done the internal work. And the longer a conflict has persisted, the more important the internal work. This is also the work we tend to be most blind to.
So, I know you came seeking advice for how to engage your father-in-law. But this is the point I’m trying to make: you are the only person you can get to engage, and that offers your best chance for shifting the dynamic with him.
Here are a few ideas.
Take Inventory
Sit down with a pen and paper and revisit the events or interactions that sparked the conflict. List (1) the grievances you have with your father-in-law, (2) all the negative emotions and consequences that have surfaced in your life because of these grievances, and (3) how you contributed, or may have contributed, to the current state, whether originally or since then.
Give special attention to identifying your contributions. If you can’t identify any, you haven’t taken inventory. Ask your husband or others close to the conflict to help you look if necessary.
Take Responsibility
When you’ve identified your contributions, take ownership. There isn’t a trick to doing this other than deciding to do so. You’ll know you’ve taken responsibility when you feel humble or curious rather than fearful or indignant.
When we accept that we have contributed to conflict and our own feelings of frustration, whether intended or not, there comes an undeniable shift in the heart. This shift is critical to opening the door to dialogue. People sense your motives more than anything else.
If you didn’t contribute to conflict explicitly and the issue relates to a grievance you have about something your father-in-law did or does, you can only change your emotion by reframing your perspective, and you can only do that by taking responsibility for it.
Change Your Behavior
Your actions will speak louder than your words. Avoid repeating any behaviors that may have stoked tension between you two.
If you’ve come to see the conflict differently, the feeling of your presence alone will be different, and that can go a long way in easing tensions and opening a pathway to dialogue.
Get Permission, Listen, and THEN Talk
When you’ve done this work, ask your father-in-law if he will talk with you about the issues. If he refuses, honor that. If he accepts, start by asking how he sees the situation. Listen, and try to see his perspective. Perhaps an apology is in order.
After hearing him fully, ask if he is open to hearing your perspective. If he is, now is your chance to put the external skills to work—express yourself with respect and seek a path forward.
As I said I would, I’ve put the onus on you. I hope you can see it’s for good reason. Imagine trying to engage your father-in-law by doing the opposite: try to get him to take responsibility, change his behavior, and listen to your perspective.
That’s what most of us hope for in conflicts, and sometimes try at the outset. And while that approach can work, it often exacerbates conflict unless we do this work first ourselves, especially in longstanding conflicts. The best chance for getting the other person to show up humbly and respectfully so we feel heard is to show up humbly and respectfully ourselves, so they feel heard.
This is not a replacement for saying what needs to be said. It’s preparation for when you do start talking so the conversation actually goes somewhere.
Now, maybe you’ve tried all this already. If so, you know it doesn’t guarantee that the other person will reciprocate. If your father-in-law still refuses to talk, move to option two: acceptance. You will likely need to shift some of your perspectives and behaviors if left with this option, and the efforts you will have made up to this point should make that easier (though not necessarily easy).
Life is imperfect, and the line between resolution and resignation can be fine. If in the end you are left with the latter, try to release the weight you carry as well as you can, for you’ve done what you can.
While Crucial Conversations outlines steps for facing and resolving interpersonal challenges, as you know, there are other books available that outline steps for letting go of unresolved conflict if it comes to that.
All the best,
Ryan
