Dear Crucial Skills,
I work at a small company with a senior director whose communication style feels passive-aggressive. Instead of clearly assigning tasks, he frames requests as questions (e.g., “Would I be able to…”), then later complains to supervisors when the work doesn’t match what he apparently wanted. Employees follow his words as stated, not his implied expectations, and feel criticized or “caught” for doing things wrong. Leadership has not addressed the issue, and many of us feel frustrated and bullied. How can we work with someone like this without becoming constantly frustrated?
Signed,
Frustrated Employees
Dear Frustrated Employees,
Frustration is a reasonable human response when we encounter a gap between what we expected and what we’re actually experiencing. And that’s where I see you right now. You’re facing a gap between what you hoped for (a leader who sets clear expectations and then measures against those) and what you’re getting (a leader who gives vague instructions and then criticizes the outcome).
The frustration we feel when facing a gap most often stems from the story we have told ourselves about what is causing that gap. In your case, you believe that the gap with your leader exists because he is a passive-aggressive bully. I have no idea if that is the case or not. But what I do know is that when we villainize someone, as you have done here, we ready ourselves to defend against a villain rather than talk to a person.
If you truly want to work with “someone like this,” I would suggest starting by striking the phrase “someone like this” and then asking yourself why a reasonable, rational, decent person might manage projects and people like this.
A paucity of plausible answers suggests that you are holding on to your story too tightly. Try to loosen your grip and see your leader as more than just your last interaction. Perhaps he used to give very specific expectations and directions and then was given feedback that he was micromanaging. His current behavior may be a simple overcorrection. Perhaps he himself is unclear on what he wants but doesn’t feel comfortable admitting that. Whatever the reason for his current behavior, I am confident you don’t know what it is if you have never talked with him about it.
Once you move out of the story that he is intentionally setting traps, it becomes easier to focus on the real issue: the gap between unclear expectations and the accountability people feel afterward. That discussion can be surprisingly straightforward. You might say something like this:
“I was hoping we could talk about something. My goal is to do great work and deliver the kind of outcomes you’re looking for. I want to contribute in the way that best supports the team and the organization.
“What I’m noticing is that sometimes when assignments are given, I’m not always clear on what the success metrics are or what the final outcome should look like. And afterward I sometimes realize I interpreted the request differently than you intended.
“It would really help me if we could make those expectations a little clearer up front so I can deliver exactly what you’re hoping for. How do you see it?”
Notice what that approach does. It focuses on your goal of doing great work, not on accusing the other person of poor communication. It describes the gap you’re experiencing without assigning negative intent. And it invites the other person into a joint problem-solving conversation.
Most workplace frustrations persist not because problems are unsolvable, but because the underlying gap is never clearly named. When you can describe the gap and discuss it directly, you give yourself and your director a chance to close it.
Warmly,
Emily
Thank you, Emily. I am frequently, most often irrationally, frustrated by conversations when I’m trying to explain something and the other person is not tracking. It makes me seem (and feel) short-tempered when my too-expressive face reveals the “you are an idiot” story I too often tell myself.
Shane, I feel you! Me too! That why would a “reasonable, rational and decent person not track me right now” helps down-regulate my frustration.
This is so good. Really. Thank you for the reminder. Why would a reasonable rational and decent person do this?
This is so well said. I had an epiphany on this that I would like to share. One year I broke a finger and was unable to cut my apple to eat for lunch. I asked my colleague if she would mind cutting my apple. I was aghast at how she cut it – so wrong! I had never seen an apple cut that way and let her know she was cutting it incorrectly. Well the next day, I was on the road with another colleague and asked him to cut my apple for lunch. He cut it in yet another “wrong” way – completely different than either of our approaches. And that was my aha – the apple tasted the same regardless of how it was cut and we had three different approaches (in a three person office) to completing the same task. We now have a phrase in our office that we use when one of us realizes that we are starting to get frustrated – “We are apple-ing.” It makes us laugh and reminds us to slow down and clarify what each of us is saying so that we are understood and not making or taking anything personally. Hope this helps others learn how to “apple” together!
Marie – Such a delightful “Aha” moment to share! Thank you, I will smile & think of apples before becoming frustrated. Different can be a pleasant surprise,
There’s an awful lot of vagueness, so this makes it difficult (also makes this seem a little one-sided). I noticed a phrase in the OP’s complaint: “Employees follow his words as stated….” I obviously don’t know the details of this, but it strikes me as a set of employees who are “following the letter of the law, but not the intent.” They may be merely doing what was explicitly stated, but not going the extra mile to build on this. This might mean their boss is seeing them as being reactive and merely delivering the bare minimum, without any proactive thinking and trying to stretch themselves. The way OP phrased the boss’s QUESTions/reQUESTS – “Would I be able to….” suggests that at the very least, there is a communications problem going on here, that the boss may be trying to give a prompt that they want the team to take off with, and the team is believing that is the exhaustive requirements for the task. But at the very worst, the boss may be expressing a lack of trust as to the team’s abilities; he is asking if you can actually do X, or do something that would allow HIM to do X – he isn’t sure. As it turns out, by only doing exactly what is asked and not exploring the full implications of the task – they continue to disappoint the boss’ true expectations.
But the general advice – why would someone rational do this? as a way of re-investigating the situation, clearing the floor, and then talking through the issue – seems sound.
I had a supervisor who was wildly, wonderfully creative, but disorganized. (He saw the big picture, but not the specifics of what it would take to get where he wanted the company to go.). I began spending the time to break his blue-sky ideas down into action steps needed to meet his goals by deadline. Later, I would ask for a brief meeting with him to go over those steps to find out if I’d left anything out. It was no use getting frustrated with him. He was who he was. The job actually became more interesting after I realized how complementary our respective strengths were. We made a really good team.
I am a supervisor and I noticed that the younger generation, not all of them, act if they are entitled and do not have to do the job that is expected of them. Also noticed that the employees that have been with the company for many years, again not all of them, can be very rude, disrespectful and no it all so, if a new policy comes out, they act as if it does not apply to them. When orientating a new coworker, it is like they set them up to failure. I do not understand why that would ever happen.