Dear Crucial Skills,

My manager is a bully, and everybody talks about it but not to her! She has regular outbursts at whoever is closest, sends a tirade of emails, on and on it goes. Her employees are on antidepressants, unable to manage the feelings with being treated that way on a regular basis. I am removed from the firing line, so I can see this from a clearer perspective. Is the answer for staff to leave or medicate to manage???

Signed,
Eggshells

Dear Eggshells,

Nobody should have to medicate to manage a relationship or quit their job because of another’s behavior. Crucial Conversations resonates because in crucial moments it offers people a more reasonable and hopeful path towards resolution: dialogue.

At the same time, we’re not so naïve as to assume that every problem can be solved with a conversation; or that if facing harmful abuse or danger you should try to talk it out. There are times when it’s prudent and necessary to remove yourself from a threatening situation. But we can assume that at the root of most every problem you face is a Crucial Conversation you’re not holding or holding poorly.

So, assuming no one is in life-threatening danger, let’s apply the Crucial Conversations principles and skills to help address bullying behavior.

Years ago, we surveyed more than 2,200 professionals to better understand the impact of workplace bullying. The sad reality is you’re not alone – 96% of respondents reported they’d seen bullying at work. While some reported physical bullying, the majority reported observing emotional bullying. Specifically:

• 51% said they worked with someone who is overly controlling or autocratic.
• 46% worked with someone who is sarcastic, cutting, demeaning, or offensive.
• 45% worked with someone who gives people the silent treatment, excludes people, or gives people the cold shoulder.
• 41% worked with someone who spreads gossip, negative rumors, or other misinformation to hurt others.

We continued our survey by gauging the costs of emotional bullying and found 1 in 5 respondents said that coping with a bully costs them 7 or more hours per week in extra work. And the average bully disrupts the work of 5 or more people. Bullying doesn’t just hurt people; it also impacts the bottom line.

Why would we put up with such behavior? Why are the people on your team medicating rather than confronting unacceptable behavior?

The reason bullying persists is because we’re more skilled at avoiding bullies than confronting them. Avoidance is the least risky course of action. However, silence equals permission. Staying silent signals that the bullying is acceptable and permitted.

So what can you do? How can you use dialogue skills to address a bully – even one that is your manager?

Document the Facts

Before even engaging in dialogue, keep a record of bullying incidents. Note the times, places, circumstances, and witnesses of the bully’s actions. Also note the impacts of these actions. Avoid generalizations like, “She was insulting and abusive,” Instead, be clear: “She called me an idiot.”

Ensure Your Safety

Speaking up always involves some risk, but don’t ever put yourself in danger. At the same time, don’t let your fears prevent you from acting. Ask, “What’s likely to happen if I don’t speak up?” Make a realistic assessment of the worst-case scenarios if you do speak up and if you don’t speak up.

Depending on your assessment, you may decide to speak directly to the bully, talk to a manager or HR professional, or talk to the bully with a third party present.

Decide What You Really Want

Ask yourself what success would look like. What do you want long term for yourself, for the team, and for the organization? The answer to these questions guides your conversation.

Have the Right Conversation

The term “bullying” implies a pattern of abuse, not a single incident, so talk about the pattern. The manager is likely to only see “incidents” rather than the pattern and will try to justify her behavior in each incident. Make sure you have the facts related to enough incidents to make the pattern clear.

Start with Facts

Begin by describing two or three incidents you’ve documented: select incidents that illustrate the pattern and use verbatim quotes where possible. Avoid inflammatory words, labels, or accusations. For example, don’t describe her as mean, vindictive, or even as a bully. Instead, stick closely to the facts which have more credibility than your opinions.

Explain the Consequences

Describe the impact of the bullying behavior on the team’s performance. Again, be as specific as possible. Rather than saying, “People feel they have to walk on eggshells,” say, “People have stopped asking for your help with customer complaints because they think you dismiss their concerns.” Emphasize business impacts.

Get a Commitment

If she is open to the feedback and interested in changing, then get a specific commitment from her. This commitment should include what she will stop doing or start doing, and how you will follow up. Patterns of bad behavior are difficult to change so talk about the likelihood of slip-ups and discuss how to deal with them when they happen. For example, a physician who had a history of intimidating nurses asked them to remind him if he slipped up. He said, “I’d like you to use my first name. But, if you see me slipping up, call me Dr. Smith. That will be our signal.”

Be Optimistic

The term “bully” has become so pejorative that few imagine it could apply to them. While the existence of extreme bullying is real, most bullying is likely the result of short tempers, short deadlines, and people who are short on skills.

Realizing that your manager isn’t always intending to be a bully or that she may not understand the impact of her behavior will humanize her. And seeing others as humans is the first step to helping them change.

Best of luck in your Crucial Conversation.

Brittney