Dear Crucial Skills,
I work at a small company with a senior director whose communication style feels passive-aggressive. Instead of clearly assigning tasks, he frames requests as questions (e.g., “Would I be able to…”), then later complains to supervisors when the work doesn’t match what he apparently wanted. Employees follow his words as stated, not his implied expectations, and feel criticized or “caught” for doing things wrong. Leadership has not addressed the issue, and many of us feel frustrated and bullied. How can we work with someone like this without becoming constantly frustrated?
Signed,
Frustrated Employees
Dear Frustrated Employees,
Frustration is a reasonable human response when we encounter a gap between what we expected and what we’re actually experiencing. And that’s where I see you right now. You’re facing a gap between what you hoped for (a leader who sets clear expectations and then measures against those) and what you’re getting (a leader who gives vague instructions and then criticizes the outcome).
The frustration we feel when facing a gap most often stems from the story we have told ourselves about what is causing that gap. In your case, you believe that the gap with your leader exists because he is a passive-aggressive bully. I have no idea if that is the case or not. But what I do know is that when we villainize someone, as you have done here, we ready ourselves to defend against a villain rather than talk to a person.
If you truly want to work with “someone like this,” I would suggest starting by striking the phrase “someone like this” and then asking yourself why a reasonable, rational, decent person might manage projects and people like this.
A paucity of plausible answers suggests that you are holding on to your story too tightly. Try to loosen your grip and see your leader as more than just your last interaction. Perhaps he used to give very specific expectations and directions and then was given feedback that he was micromanaging. His current behavior may be a simple overcorrection. Perhaps he himself is unclear on what he wants but doesn’t feel comfortable admitting that. Whatever the reason for his current behavior, I am confident you don’t know what it is if you have never talked with him about it.
Once you move out of the story that he is intentionally setting traps, it becomes easier to focus on the real issue: the gap between unclear expectations and the accountability people feel afterward. That discussion can be surprisingly straightforward. You might say something like this:
“I was hoping we could talk about something. My goal is to do great work and deliver the kind of outcomes you’re looking for. I want to contribute in the way that best supports the team and the organization.
“What I’m noticing is that sometimes when assignments are given, I’m not always clear on what the success metrics are or what the final outcome should look like. And afterward I sometimes realize I interpreted the request differently than you intended.
“It would really help me if we could make those expectations a little clearer up front so I can deliver exactly what you’re hoping for. How do you see it?”
Notice what that approach does. It focuses on your goal of doing great work, not on accusing the other person of poor communication. It describes the gap you’re experiencing without assigning negative intent. And it invites the other person into a joint problem-solving conversation.
Most workplace frustrations persist not because problems are unsolvable, but because the underlying gap is never clearly named. When you can describe the gap and discuss it directly, you give yourself and your director a chance to close it.
Warmly,
Emily
