Dear Crucial Skills,
I have a son who is a terrible listener. He monopolizes the conversation. If I question a statement he has made, he becomes quite defensive and sometimes angry. He is very rigid in his thinking and beliefs. How would you suggest I handle this situation?
Signed,
Monologued
Dear Monologued,
I believe that, while humans don’t necessarily have an innate need to be right, we do have an innate need to be heard. I am sorry that you are in relationship with someone you care about deeply and your needs are not being met. That is tough.
You will need to find your own path through this situation, but here are some ideas to consider.
1) Check the accuracy and limits of your story.
Your story, which is based on your expectations of a what a good listener is and your personal experience with your son, is that your son is a terrible listener who monopolizes the conversation. It may be helpful to check both the accuracy of that story and the limits of it. For accuracy, you might ask others who have witnessed or been a part of conversations between you and your son if they share your conclusion. Do they also think he monopolizes the conversation with you? The goal is not to dismiss your experience but rather to corroborate it. For limits, you may want to ask others who know and interact with your son if they also experience similar behaviors when talking with him. Is he a terrible listener generally, or more specifically with you?
2) Ask yourself: What do you want—for yourself, for your son, and for the relationship?
It seems safe to assume that you would like your son to listen to you and be open to hearing your perspectives. The next question is: what do you want for your son? Now, be careful here, because the answer can’t be “I want him to listen more.” It is easy and tempting to conflate what we want from others with what we want for others. However, it is rarely effective. So, I encourage you to step back and really ask what you want for him? Is he damaging relationships that are important to him? Is he struggling at work? How will being a better listener help him in ways that he cares about?
Once you have clarity around what you want for yourself and your son, consider what you want for your relationship. Think about types, frequency, and duration of interactions. Let go of preconceived cultural or familial norms that tell you what your relationship “should” be.
3) Define your boundaries.
We can influence others, but we can never control them. Your son’s actions are his. What you get to decide is what you will do, what your boundaries are. A boundary is not a requirement or expectation; it doesn’t say what the other person will do. A boundary is a statement of what you will do. It says, “I expect this and if it doesn’t happen, here is the action I will take.” You need to know what your boundaries are. Are you willing to stay in the relationship even if your son never changes his behavior? Or are there boundaries you will put around that relationship? Defining your boundaries is a way of differentiating between what you really want in a relationship and what you need.
4) Make it a conversation.
The health of any relationship can be measured by the lag between when we experience an issue and when we talk about it. My assumption is the lag is long in your case and that the health of your relationship with your son has deteriorated because of that. I encourage you to hold the conversation. Do the things you know to do: start with heart and share your good intent, make it safe for him to have a different perspective, be curious and seek to understand why he shows up in the conversation the way he does. Reaffirm your love for him and your commitment to having a relationship with him.
Most importantly, make this its own conversation. It can be easy in the midst of a conversation about politics or social issues or family matters to say, “You aren’t listening, and in fact you never listen, and I want to talk about that right now.” While there may be times when it is helpful to address something in the moment, I believe this conversation deserves something more. It deserves its own conversation. So, reach out to your son and invite him to have a conversation with you about something you have noticed in your relationship. As you extend the invitation, make sure to share the why—because you love him and you care about the relationship.
Emily
Emily what great timing! Thanks for the reminder that we don’t have an innate need to be right. We do have a need to be heard. That was one of my main takeaways from Daryl Davis’ webinar yesterday.
Melanie I made this same connection!
Wonderful advice throughout, and on so, so many levels! Fantastic!
Great info Emily! The idea of checking my own expectations for a “good listener before approaching the alleged “bad listener” is key in balancing crucial conversations!
Another thing to consider is that there may be a psychological reason for this behavior. My son exhibits this same behavior. For years we thought along the same lines as Monologued. It was not until we noticed other challenges he was facing that we visited a medical professional who diagnosed and is now treating him. The ideas you shared, as well as other things specific specific to his diagnosis, are part of the treatment. Most important was him telling us that he does not want to be contradictory and verbose, and does not know why he gets so mad sometimes. When we all made the recognition together that this was something we all wanted to work on, the conversations, and our relationship, got better.
Thanks for adding this perspective, Steve W. I myself was wondering if neurodiversity might be at play in a situation like this. If so, some of the Crucial Conversations toolkit will still be effective, but other tools less so.
“We can influence others, but never control them.” That is key. We need to determine the driver behind our need for compliance and what it is, exactly, that we hope to achieve by gaining compliance. We must honestly address those questions with ourselves before we can make meaningful progress in our relationship with others.
I have learned that one of the factors influencing people who dominate conversations is the experience of forgetting a point they think is relevant to a conversation. This motivates them to sometimes interrupt and talk over others before they forget an idea they view as important. It can be worth exploring the behaviour one finds unsettling in a non-judgmental, curious manner. Keep in mind that the habit pattern of “talking at” rather than “talking with” is, like all habits, resistant but not impervious to change. The influence we have is to see things clearly and structure our own behaviour toward a better outcome for all involved. For example, one might ask, “What is your intention? Do you want my feedback or just have me listen?” If the intention is for you to listen only, you might offer, “Would you like 5 minutes or 10 minutes of my time?”
This part of your answer was gold to me:
““What is your intention? Do you want my feedback or just have me listen?” If the intention is for you to listen only, you might offer, “Would you like 5 minutes or 10 minutes of my time?””
Many thanks for sharing!
Agreed!
I feel sorry for the son, in this situation. The point of reference is during those times when a parent is “questioning a statement he, (the son), has made.” Whether the son is 9 years old, or 19 years old, the parent-child dynamic is likely not an objective data set from which listening skills can be assessed. Holding him by his ankles and dangling him from the rooftop would likely elicit shrieks of horror, but that doesn’t mean he’s afraid of heights.
I agree with the article and appreciate the comments. What I would like to hear more about is how to handle the situation when the person who is dominate is a fellow employee, a management participant in a class I’m facilitating, or a volunteer from the community who is on a board a a fellow employee manages. These types of domineering individuals are equally difficult to address.
This whole experience was an exercise in futility—truly a masterclass in nothingness. When someone’s rude, well, that’s just their natural state, isn’t it? I simply fix them with a look that says everything: disdain, superiority, and utter disinterest.
If they’re dense enough to interrupt, I’ll just hijack the conversation and shift it to something that actually matters. Let them wallow in their own embarrassing behavior; it’s not my problem.
Life’s too short to listen to the incoherent ramblings of lesser minds. My approach? It’s not something you can bottle up in a self-help guide. You either get it or you don’t. Do whatever you need to rise above the noise.
Ironic that you are, “anonymous”. Do you notice people leaving your conversations or attempting to get a word in edgewise. Maybe you need to check your own rude behavior. Is it your natural state?
Interesting response! I’m guessing your goal was to amuse the other readers by portraying an ignorant blow-hard? But I’m just not clear on why you wanted to do that. Were you trying to add perspective by imagining what the monologuing son might be thinking..?