Dear Crucial Skills,

I have recently got a new interim chair leader and I’m struggling with his leadership style. The interim chair who hired me was a strong leader who listened and led with consideration for his team. My new interim chair is a top-down, hardline authoritarian and I’m having a difficult time in this new season. I have decided to start searching for new opportunities, but I want to be sure I have productive conversations with my new interim chair until I find something, and I want to ensure I “interview” my new potential leaders well so I don’t move from one toxic situation to another. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On,

Let me start with a confession: I have been on both sides of this question. I have worked with leaders who I consider to be top-down, hardline authoritarians. There have also been times when the people I work with would have described me that way. I have learned from both experiences and am better for it.

As I consider your situation, first and foremost, you are right to leave a situation that is toxic, and only you can be the judge of that. We spend an inordinate amount of our lives at work, and we should all expect to be able to spend that time in a supportive, challenging, and respectful environment. Please don’t interpret anything I am about to share about working with “authoritarians” as pressure to stay in an unhealthy situation.

At the same time, there may be some hope for this relationship (I am ever the optimist when it comes to the human capacity to change) if you can learn to see differently. One of the central, and I think most helpful, concepts that comes from the Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI) is that the fastest way to change how people behave is to change how they see themselves and others. The SDI provides four views of a person: motives when things are going well, motives in conflict, strengths, and overdone strengths. The last two views are key for how you are seeing your interim chair.

Each of us relies on different interpersonal strengths—behaviors that help us build relationships and get the results we want. The SDI measures 28 of them. My top three strengths are quick-to-act, persuasive, and self-confident. (The people reading this who know me are all nodding their heads right now.)

The SDI also assesses our overdone strengths. These are the same 28 strengths taken to an extreme—used too often or too intensely. For example, quick-to-act (a strength) appears as rash when overdone. Self-confidence can show up as arrogance when overdone, and persuasive, when taken too far, becomes abrasive.

Here is why this matters. Whether a strength is overdone or not is entirely in the eye of the beholder. I can come into a meeting and think I am bringing my strengths to bear, showing up as decisive, confident, and forward-thinking. You could experience all that and conclude that I am overbearing, arrogant, and pushy. It doesn’t matter what my intent was; what matters is the impact on you.

As you think about your interim chair, ask yourself: why is she leading like this? It may be that her strengths are much like mine and her intent is to move quickly, drive change, and take action, all of which can be very positive things. She may be unaware of how you are experiencing her behavior. Or, it could be that this is what has worked for her in the past; after all, these may be the very behaviors that got her to the position she is in right now. Few people show up at work each day with an intent to crush the will and spirit of those they work with. That may be your experience, but I doubt that is listed as one of her annual goals.

If you can take a generous view of her motives, you will start to see her behavior in a new light. It doesn’t make it okay; it just makes it understandable. When we start to bring understanding rather than judgment to our relationships, they often improve.

A crucial part of this understanding relates to ourselves, not only others. Our personalities color the way we see others and experience their behavior. So, when I see others behaving in ways I wouldn’t, I tend to judge them more harshly.

Finally, as you search for a new role, recognize that you are really searching for a new leader. Ask questions of them and those they work with that will reveal both the leader’s strengths and overdone strengths. At the same time, recognize that your next leader will likely not be your last leader. Switching jobs may solve your immediate problem, but leaders have a way of coming and going. Learning how to strengthen the relationships we have is as valuable a skill as knowing when to leave a relationship.

All the best,
Emily