Dear Crucial Skills,
Our only child, a son, died more than five years ago, and we brought a wrongful death lawsuit to support his daughter—our only grandchild—and to hold those responsible accountable. The court awarded over $1 million to our eight-year-old granddaughter and appointed my husband the executor over the trust. Since then, our granddaughter’s mother has accused us of taking money from her child, threatened legal action, and implied we could lose our relationship with our granddaughter. We never pursued this for personal gain and are devastated by the possibility of being cut off from her. We would appreciate advice on how to handle this situation.
Signed,
Grieving Family
Dear Grieving Family,
To wrongfully lose a child is crushing. But to have your grief freighted with family animus must feel overwhelming. And, as a grandfather, I feel faint even imagining a world without my beloved grandchildren. I’m so sorry.
Given that our sole connection is the few words we’ll exchange in this blog, I’m nervous about offering anything other than love and empathy. But given that some of your present pain might be eased, I’ll steel myself against the ache I feel for you and take some risk to offer possible help.
You offer some hints about a complicated history with your “granddaughter’s mother.” The first is that technical rather than familial reference. The second is that you don’t name the interest of the mother as one of your motivations in the wrongful death suit. And finally, that your husband was appointed sole executor of the trust—in other words, mom was excluded from control.
Given that I know nothing of the particulars here, I’ll simply offer two principles that may merit reflection if the goal is a cooperative relationship with the mother.
Own Your Part of the History
Conduct a rigorous mental review of your history with her. If there is anything in the past that you have done—no matter how justifiable—that could have given her cause to mistrust you, own it. Apologize for it.
Most people offer “contingent apologies”—apologizing an inch at a time as the other demonstrates a willingness to do the same. This approach to restoring integrity prizes ego over character. You cannot claim that your granddaughter’s interests are your primary value if you’re unwilling to subordinate ego to integrity.
If, for example, you have a history with the mother of coldness or exclusion, own it. Apologize for it. Not for holding boundaries, but for using boundaries as cover for incivility. Cooperation won’t happen without warmth. And warmth can accelerate through sincere demonstrations of surprising generosity.
Engage Her in Revising Her Own Story
She is asserting that you have misappropriated money from your granddaughter’s trust. Once again, if your goal is to restore a modicum of trust and warmth, you’re going to have to decide if your top priority is nursing the injustice or nurturing trust. If the latter is the goal, invite her to dictate the terms of restoring her own trust.
Do it as non-defensively as you can muster. Provided the following is precisely true, you might say: “I assure you that every penny of the trust is accounted for and has been managed for her benefit alone. However, I can understand from our past struggles that you might wonder. We are willing to be as accountable and transparent as you need in order to know that your daughter and our granddaughter is being well-served. What do we need to do so you can satisfy your concerns?”
People who are afraid often assume the worst. You can’t control whether her mother believes you—but you can remove fuel from her fears by responding to any reasonable interrogation she craves. Paradoxically, the more open you are, the less you need to argue your innocence. Deeds restore trust far faster than words. Integrity speaks louder when it doesn’t insist on being believed.
Keep Your Eye on the Prize
Assuming your history has been complicated, expect the future to be as well. If you or she have a track record of interpersonal provocation, your access to your granddaughter depends on scrupulous attention to your motives. In every interpersonal exchange, prep yourself by meditating on the question, “What do I really want? For me? For my granddaughter? For the relationship with her mother?” When you’ve settled on your highest value, then ask, “How will I act if that’s what I really want?” Sometimes the best way to change your motive is to “act as if” your healthiest motive is what you really want. These effortful episodes are how you deepen your character and refine your soul.
The work I’m describing is never easy. And it’s all the more difficult under your present circumstances. You have my prayers and best wishes as you engage in this next chapter of your life.
Sincerely,
Joseph
Joseph, Your reply is full of love, wisdom and compassion. I always learn something from you. Thank you.
That is a beautiful response. Incredibly useful, honest, direct and truly helpful.
Nearly every blog brings me close to tears – the way you care for others, want to do the right thing, and aim to teach people how to kind to others. You give me hope that some day I will know the right thing to say. Thank you.
Great advice as always. I would be curious however why the court named the grandfather as executor over the trust as opposed to the mother. It would seem any animus should be directed toward that decision.
I agree with Steve. I have a granddaughter and a good relationship with my daughter-in-law – so I am fortunate. But I own their house. I have put into my will that if my son dies first after I transfer the house to them, I have written into my will that my daughter-in-law gets half and my granddaughter gets half. Because I own the house now, my daughter-in-law is not entitled to half through marriage. I don’t want any friction between my granddaughter and her mother if at all possible. When I recently told my daughter-in-law of this plan, the relief on her part was worth it all. She doesn’t get more, but she does need to be able to control her financial situation with her daughter – herself – not through me. The father-in-law can be executor, but I am going to assume that the daughter-in-law lost some financial security and just because the parents fought for the money on behalf of their son – it doesn’t mean that they should “own” it. Financial independence leads to emotional independence – and isn’t that what you want in your granddaughter’s mother?