Dear Crucial Skills,
What are some ways I can train myself to be a better listener and create a safe space for those around me?
Signed,
Listening
Dear Listening,
Thank you for your question. I am confident you are not alone in your request and desire to be a better listener. Before we discuss ways to train yourself for improved listening skills, let’s begin with the idea of creating a safe space for others.
I offer a simple but powerful visual frame. When listening we have the opportunity to create two very different spaces: a courtroom or a porch. Often we enter a conversation like walking into a courtroom. In a courtroom, we listen to gather evidence, prepare our defense, spot weaknesses, and build our response. We are not really trying to understand. We are trying to prove our point and win the case.
A porch is a place where we can sit down, slow down, and just talk. It isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing, proving or supporting. It’s merely making room for each other’s meaning. Good listening is less like entering a courtroom and more like inviting someone on the porch.
When one sits on a porch they are able to see their world as it passes by. Creating safety is more than granting permission for others to share their perspective, it also creates a space where others can see their world in a new way. Carl Rogers, an influential American psychologist, once stated, “When I have been listened to and…heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way.” Good listening doesn’t always provide the answer. Sometimes it can create a space in which the other person can discover it.
So, how do we train ourselves to create more porches and fewer courtrooms? Better listening isn’t something you have or don’t. It’s a discipline we can practice and develop. It begins by checking our intent, learning to listen for more than words, increasing safety, and making listening visible.
Check Your Heart Before You Use Your Ears
Like most things, good listening begins with the listener. Train yourself to check your motive in the moment. Before entering an important conversation ask:
- Am I trying to understand, or am I preparing to respond?
- Do I want to learn what is true, or prove I am right?
- What do I genuinely want for this person, for myself, and for the relationship?
This is what we call Start with Heart. People tend to sense whether our curiosity is genuine or insincere. Safety begins with intent. Remember the goal is to enter the porch, not the courtroom.
Listen Beneath the Words
Train yourself to listen on three levels:
- Content: What are they sharing? Listen for the facts, events, and details of the situation as they understand them.
- Emotion: How do they feel about it? Listen for the feelings beneath the story – frustration, disappointment, fear, excitement, or concern.
- Motive: What matters most to them? Listen for the deeper concern, value, need or desired outcome driving their response.
AMPP Up the Safety
A key ingredient to listening is providing a safe place to be heard. Because of past experiences and often strained relationships, it can be hard for others to feel safe to share. A simple way to train yourself to create safety is to AMPP up your listening skills.
- Ask: Start by simply inviting the other person to express themselves by asking an open-ended question, like, “What’s going on?” or “How do you see it?”
- Mirror: Describe how the other person looks or acts when their tone or body language doesn’t match their words. For example, “You say you’re fine, but you seem upset.” Like helping them see themselves in a mirror.
- Paraphrase: Restate what the other person said in your own words to show you understand and to give them a chance to clarify.
- Prime: When you prime a pump, you put water into the pump in order to get water out. Take your best guess at what the other person might be thinking or feeling when they are still struggling to find the words. If you are correct, they will confirm. If you are not, they will correct.
Let Them See You Listening
Unlike a courtroom where we are listening to gather evidence, a porch is where we provide others evidence that we are listening. We may feel we are fully engaged, but if we are looking at our phone, typing on our laptop, interrupting, or constantly shifting the conversation back to ourselves, they may experience something different.
Let them see you listen. Remove distractions, give them your attention, make eye contact, and slow your response. Good listening should leave visible evidence. They should know and feel that they have your attention, they matter, and you care.
Good listeners do more than hear words. They help people feel seen, understood, and safe. Creating a porch provides more than just a place to sit, slow down, and be heard. It allows them to see their world more clearly. And that’s a better gift than merely providing an answer.
Scott
