Dear Crucial Skills,
How can I have a productive conversation with someone who, I believe, has a problem with alcohol when they don’t recognize or acknowledge it themselves?
Signed,
Don’t Know Where to Start
Dear Don’t Know,
You’re starting from a good place. You asked, “How can I have a productive conversation…” not, “How can I get this person to stop drinking?” The latter you can’t do; that’s up to them. But there are some things you can do to make a productive conversation more likely.
What you’re essentially asking is this: How do you talk to someone about a problem when they disagree that there is a problem at all?
This is a universal challenge that extends beyond your specific situation, so my response will have more to do with dialogue and less to do with drinking.
Set Aside Your First Conclusion
One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that when I encounter problems with others, I’m quick to conclude that they are the cause of my frustration.
Whenever a conversation originates from this conclusion, it’s likely to struggle because we show up with this motive: “If I can fix them, it will fix me.”
Master My Stories teaches us to suspend our initial conclusions and set aside what we think we know about a person and their behavior.
Getting curious about their experience and perspective will help open the door to dialogue, and that’s hard to do if we’re convinced of our judgments.
Here are a few ways to set aside your initial conclusions:
- Reflect on why a reasonable, rational, decent person might act this way.
- Reassess what you have observed. Focus on the facts; examine your interpretations.
- Consider what you might be missing. Could there be other factors contributing to the situation you might not be aware of?
This does not mean you must disregard the behavior or problems resulting from it. It’s to help you get curious—to connect with yourself so you can connect with another.
Check Your Intent
The right words cannot mask the wrong motives. So after you’ve checked your stories, check your intent.
In high-stakes conversations we tend to place too much weight on the immediate outcome we want without considering other values. This often escalates conflict. Getting your heart in a good place will create more leeway for the conversation.
Here are a few ideas:
- Think about the dignity of the other person. Don’t lose sight of your concern, but make sure you include concern for the other person.
- Consider your values. Reflect on who you want to be and how you want to show up, not just what you want.
- Consider long-term consequences over short-term desires. What do you want in this relationship beyond the present interaction?
Starting with Heart is about honestly assessing our immediate motives—even well-intentioned ones—against more stable, long-term values. It’s to help you gain a fuller picture of what you want so the conversation doesn’t get derailed by short-term thinking.
Get Permission
When you’ve done this internal work, you’re in a much better place to open a productive conversation. Start by gaining permission. Don’t confront this person when they have been drinking. Wait for a time when they are sober, relaxed, and in a good space.
“Hey, there’s something I’d like to talk with you about. Is now a good time?”
Talk Respectfully
Lead with good intent and curiosity. Avoid flattery, sugarcoating, or sandwiching your concerns between compliments.
“I have a concern and I want to discuss it with you. I’m also interested to hear your perspective. I realize I may not be aware of everything going on.”
Then share a few facts you’ve gathered. Make sure they are concrete and specific—dates, behaviors, evidence. Don’t imbue them with moral judgment.
“Last week I found an empty 12-pack in the garbage on four different days. And on three of those days you slept through your alarm for work.”
Then share your conclusion. “I’m concerned about how much you’re drinking. It seems to me it has become a problem.”
Then invite a response. “How do you see it?”
Then listen.
Highlight Natural Consequences
Sometimes people will disagree that a behavior is problematic while finding agreement about its consequences. It may be helpful to shift the conversation from drinking to its impact. This can help the other person see connections between their actions and unwanted outcomes.
“I’m not sure whether you know this, but your boss called twice last week when you overslept. That’s why I woke you up.”
Again, motives matter here. Try to point out consequences in the spirit of “What do you make of this?”
A central insight of Crucial Conversations is that dialogue improves when we stop trying to manage others’ responses and start managing our own.
Essentially, there are three things you should accept that will greatly improve the odds that this conversation goes well:
- You may be wrong in your conclusion.
- You may be right and yet not be the one to get through to them.
- Despite the first two, your concerns are worth expressing.
All the best,
Ryan
