Dear Crucial Skills,

I work part-time in a small department and share an office with another nurse practitioner. In nearly every conversation, she ends her responses with “that’s ok,” which makes me feel like she’s giving me approval for my thoughts or actions—even when I’m not seeking it. How can I address this in a way that sets boundaries without creating tension?

Signed,
Okay Already!

Dear Okay Already!

Sharing an office with another person certainly creates plenty of opportunities for friction. When we spend hours in close proximity to others, we’re bound to encounter habits, preferences, and communication styles that occasionally rub us the wrong way.

As you consider how to address this situation with your officemate, I’d suggest three things.

Choose If

Not every irritation needs to be a conversation. Before deciding to address something that’s bothering you, it’s worth considering whether the issue merits a conversation or whether it’s something you can resolve by managing your own reaction.

In your situation, your colleague frequently responds to your statements with “That’s okay.” It sounds like the story you’re telling yourself is that she’s positioning herself as someone with the authority to grant you approval, even though you haven’t asked for it. But the phrase itself isn’t inherently disrespectful or patronizing. It may simply be a verbal habit. Or perhaps your colleague is attempting to be affirming, validating, or empathetic. There are plenty of generous interpretations of her behavior.

So before deciding to speak up, I’d encourage you to consider three questions:

• What are the facts, and what is the story I’m telling myself? Is this phrase part of a broader pattern in which your colleague positions herself as superior? Does she regularly dismiss your opinions, question your judgment, or treat you as though she has authority over you? If so, there may be a legitimate issue worth addressing. But if the only evidence is that she frequently says “That’s okay,” there may not be enough to conclude she’s being patronizing.
• Is my frustration coming from the behavior itself or the meaning I’ve attached to it? Why does the idea of receiving someone’s approval feel irritating rather than affirming? Perhaps there’s a history in this relationship that makes you sensitive to feeling judged or managed. Or perhaps something in your own experiences makes the idea of someone bestowing approval particularly frustrating. Understanding the source of your reaction may help you change it. Sometimes changing our interpretation is enough to change our emotional response, resolving the problem without requiring anyone else to change.
• What happens if I don’t address this? Is the behavior affecting your ability to work together, your trust, or the quality of your relationship? Or is it something you could reasonably choose to let go?

If, after considering these questions, you decide that this is a relatively innocuous habit that you can learn to accept, I’d encourage you to do just that.

If, however, the issue affects your working relationship, potentially leaking out as resentment, sarcasm, or avoidance, a conversation is the right way forward. After all, if you don’t talk it out, you’ll likely act it out.

Make Curiosity Your Goal

When something bothers us, we often enter a conversation with a particular outcome in mind: I want this person to stop doing that.

But I’d encourage you to approach this conversation with a different initial goal: I want to understand why this is happening.

As we theorized earlier, your colleague may use “That’s okay” almost unconsciously or in an attempt to be supportive or empathetic. Perhaps she has an entirely different intention that hasn’t occurred to you.

You won’t know unless you ask.

Understanding her intention may change how you experience the behavior. If you discover that she’s genuinely trying to be affirming, you may find that the phrase no longer bothers you in quite the same way.

It’s also worth recognizing that some verbal habits are deeply ingrained. If your colleague has been using this expression unconsciously for years, changing it may be surprisingly difficult. Even if she’s willing to try, she may continue saying it without realizing it.

You may discover that it’s easier for you to change your interpretation of the phrase than for her to eliminate a longstanding verbal habit. Or you may find a mutually agreeable way to communicate that feels more comfortable for both of you.

Either way, you’ll be in a better position to move forward because you’ve focused first on understanding rather than correction.

Share Your Story… Tentatively

If you decide to hold the conversation, there will likely be some awkwardness. But there are ways to reduce the tension you are worried about. I would begin by establishing your positive intent. You want to build a strong working relationship, and you’re raising this concern because that relationship matters to you. Then share what you’ve observed, explain how you’ve interpreted it (your story), and acknowledge that your interpretation may not reflect her intent.  This last piece is critical.  You want to share your story as your story, not as a statement of fact. One of the best ways to do this is to make room in the conversation for other interpretations and intents.

The conversation might sound like this:

“Do you have a minute? I want to mention something small. I like sharing this office with you, and I’d rather be open with you than let it nag at me.

“I’ve noticed that when I tell you about something, you often reply, ‘That’s okay.’ For example, yesterday I mentioned I’d adjusted a patient’s medication, and that’s how you responded.

“I doubt this is what you mean, but sometimes it lands for me as if I’m being given approval for something I didn’t ask approval for. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. I’m curious how you think about it. What do you usually mean when you say it?”

After she responds:

“That helps, thank you. Since it lands a little differently for me, would you be open to saying something like ‘Got it’ or ‘Sounds good’ instead? And if it slips out now and then, no big deal. I’ll know what you mean.”

Notice that you’re not accusing your colleague of being patronizing or demanding that she change. You’re sharing your experience while acknowledging that you may not fully understand hers. That creates a much better starting point for a productive conversation.

One Final Thought About Boundaries

You mentioned wanting to establish a boundary, and I’d offer one caution about that language. It can be helpful to distinguish between expressing a preference, making a request, and establishing a boundary.

A preference describes how you’d like someone else to behave. A request asks that person to consider changing their behavior. A boundary establishes a limit around what you’re willing to accept or participate in, and how you’ll respond when that limit is crossed. This matters because a boundary carries a consequence. Applied to someone else’s word choice, that turns a small preference into an ultimatum and raises the stakes.

In this case, it sounds like you have a personal preference about how you’d like your colleague to communicate with you. And it’s perfectly reasonable to express that preference and make a request. But I’d be cautious about elevating that preference into a hard-and-fast boundary about what kinds of communication you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Healthy relationships require both respect for legitimate boundaries and a willingness to accommodate reasonable differences in how other people communicate.

Not every irritation has to be a conversation. Not every preference has to be a boundary.

Sincerely,
Emily