Please welcome Lisa Vermillion as a new author to the Crucial Skills Newsletter. Lisa joined the VitalSmarts team in September of 2019 as a Master Trainer and Client Solutions Engineer. Her professional background includes designing curriculum, writing books, coaching business leaders, and speaking and training.
Dear Lisa,
My coworker walks in after 8:00 a.m. every single day. They never get to work on time and are five to fifteen minutes late every single day. I have spoken to my manager who has spoken to my coworker several times but my coworker goes back to their old behavior. I am disgusted with my coworker and it’s causing resentment and even a feeling of “I cannot stand this person.” Unfortunately, we share a common job and I have to sit near this person every day. I am at my wit’s end. Can you advise?
Signed,
Boiling Pot
Dear Boiling,
I hear your frustration and desperation! Working in close proximity with someone can often be challenging. Most everyone has experienced this challenge, and many of us have tried to ignore it and suffered in silence. Eventually, the feeling that “I’ve had enough!” may reach a breaking point that can result in some kind of outburst that we will likely later regret. How can we make these conversations productive, not destructive?
At first glance, it seems that it is your boss’s job to address this problem—again. However, I suggest to you that because the issue has degraded to the point where it affects your relationship with your office mate, the responsibility lies with you. It is still your boss’s responsibility to correct the behavior, but you need to have a conversation about how it is affecting your relationship.
The first set of skills in preparing to hold a crucial conversation is to Work on Me First. Many of us would rather skip this step and continue to wallow in blaming the other person, but it is absolutely necessary before you broach a difficult conversation in order to have true dialogue. So, I have a few hard questions for you to consider.
- Why does your co-worker’s behavior upset you? Perhaps you have to cover for them while they’re gone. Maybe you are a stickler for being on time and expect others to be the same. Or perhaps you feel they are “getting away with” something. Whatever it is, the first thing to do is examine your own heart and mind. In the end, no one can “make” us mad or resentful. We create our emotions by how we interpret events. We call these interpretations our stories.
- What do I really want? For myself, for my co-worker, for the organization? This question takes us beyond the immediate frustration and to a greater understanding of what outcomes we want. You already know the outcome of not saying anything, and it isn’t acceptable. You can probably predict the negative outcomes of speaking out from the place of your exasperation. So, what outcomes do you really want? You probably want to feel calm and not frustrated, and you want your coworker to come on time. But more importantly, you likely want to have a good relationship with them. How would you behave if that were your motive for the conversation?
- What stories are you telling yourself about your co-worker? Here are some examples of stories you might be telling yourself: they are irresponsible or inconsiderate, they don’t have a good work ethic, they are the boss’s favorite so they can get away with things like that. Your stories may be different but understanding how you interpret your co-worker’s behavior can help you to turn down the intensity of your emotions before holding a conversation. Because here’s something to consider: what if your stories are incorrect?
- Why would a reasonable, rational person do this? Could there be other reasons beyond what you have assumed that would explain why this person is chronically late? For example, do they have to drop off a child at school or daycare at a certain time? Is the bus schedule difficult? Have they never been accountable for lateness before? Do they stay 10 minutes late to make up for the missed time? Do they have chronic insomnia that makes mornings a challenge? Have they come to an understanding with the boss that you don’t know about? There are many stories other than yours that could explain the behavior. Before we approach a crucial conversation, we must be willing to consider and listen to different motives and explanations. Approach the conversation with curiosity and respect in order to allow space for real dialogue.
Once you have really examined your own motivations, stories and emotions, you are ready to use your STATE skills to plan how to hold the conversation. Remember to make it safe for the other person to open up, and to keep judgement and blaming at bay. That way you can have true dialogue. Will this fix your co-worker’s behavior? Perhaps not. But it can go a long way in resolving your frustration and restoring the relationship.
Good Luck,
Lisa
The response from Lisa Vermillion on “My Coworker is Late Every Day” article. Was right on point. She was very concise and direct and every word made so much sense. Every co-worker should read this as we all tend to judge on every level– most times not considering what the other person may be going through. The issue are those that abuse the system and it makes it tough for those that have real life issues. Well done!
Same case with me! Thank youuuu for the insight
I think the reponse was really great so thank you for that because you ask the person to first look at themselves.
I also feel like this person is overly invested in the behaviors of others. I don’t understand why the persons 5-15 minutes tardiness matters so much. They could have limitations on getting a child off to school or on the bus. They could have issues with public transportation that are different than her own. Maybe this person also takes a shorter lunch, less breaks, leaves later to balance out the need to arrive later.
I think it’s very important to not only approach conflict productively but to have a realistic understanding of why something is bothering you. I think if someone is putting their expectations of themselves on others then maybe those expectations are out of line. From the sound of the issue, the jobs are common but I don’t hear that they are dependent upon each other such that one persons productivity is negatively impacted by another. If they are dependent, then I think it’s worth while to have a conversation to mitigate the issue. I don’t think the solution is as black and white as the tardy person needs to change an always be one time because they may be other factors in play that the submitter isn’t aware of or being sensitive to.
I say this because as a single parent and having had a significant health issue recently, I’ve had coworkers get frustrated with how I managed my work schedule even though there was no impact to them. Most often the accommodations were worked out with my management and my teammate was unaware of the changes since there was no impact to them and thus no need for them to be aware. Unfortunately this did not stop them from having an opinion, being frustrated. If they had come to me to complain that I wasn’t in the office till much later than they felt I should be, I would have been offended and felt they were overstepping.
Just an alternative perspective because I think our culture has become overly invested and opinionated in the actions of others.
I believe that people do have other situations that their co-workers are unaware of and giving people the benefit of the doubt is often a good idea.
If someone is upset about you being late, however, I do not think they are automatically incorrect to feel that way. You are being held to a different standard than they are and its natural to feel a little put out by that. Regardless of your other commitments and obligations, you work there just as they do. Not everyone asks for special accommodations even though most people could benefit from them. Maybe they could benefit if they asked for accommodations as well. I would say though, it’s less likely your manager would want to make special exceptions for everyone even if they all had good reasons.
Lastly, you said that your change in work schedule does not impact your co-workers. I do not know that you could say that with any authority. It may very well impact your co-workers in ways that you do not know. Not knowing what someone else is dealing with goes both ways. It would also explain the resentment.
I’ve never heard of anyone who is naturally enthusiastic about someone else they work with being allowed to not follow the rules. That being said, it is worthwhile to examine why it bothers you if it does to a large extent. In the grander scheme of things it is not that big of a deal and will take a toll on you if you focus too much on it.
I have a co-worker who is consistently late. She never makes up her time and takes regular smoke breaks. It is frustrating for me because I am notoriously on time. I believe your start time is not a suggestion-it’s when you should be at your desk ready to work. I know there are no extenuating issues with her. I believe she just doesn’t care. I have addressed my concerns with my boss several times to no avail. I believe it shows a lack of respect for yourself and others and is inconsiderate.
I feel your pain. If we are getting paid for the same amount of time, I believe that person should be there for that amount of time. Otherwise, if we all did the same nothing would run smoothly.
I am not talking 10-15 min; I am talking two to three hours.
Manger hates confrontations so just ignores the behaviors, that set a bad tone in the work environment. And why is it wrong to call out habitual lateness?
Oh wow. Micromanaging on any level creates a hostile work environment. I was always late to work due to health issues. What my coworkers didn’t know I had ADA and FMLA accommodations to do so. Maybe your coworker also has the same accommodations and you are unaware of them. Side note-My stats were the highest and I could do more work in 4 hours than they could in 8! Also, I worked an average of 65 hours a week since I was self funding my own college education. If your coworker has FMLA/ADA accommodations are you going to feel differently? My guess is no. You might want to tread lightly. My advice to you, Mind your own business.
I supervise someone exhibiting the same behavior, and am addressing it through HR, civil service, and a discipline process. My actions to address the issue are not “visible” to their co-workers. I suggest co-workers bring the issue to their supervisors and understand if the response is along the lines of “the issue is being addressed, and it’s not appropriate to discuss the details.”
Perhaps the co-worker has ADHD and has asked for accommodations? Is the job one where being on site at exactly the right minute is crucial to operations or does that few minutes not really make a difference in operations but just annoys the coworker? I had one job where the commute across town could take anywhere from 40 minute to an hour and a half and it was never clear which way it was going to go. I would sometimes show up late when it was a bad traffic day despite leaving rather early (and arriving earlier than necessary most days as a result). I lucked out when a new road was built that connected to a toll road and I was willing and able to pay to get in at a more predictable time — the coworker may not have options like that.
how about launching an honor system, i.e. you come late you leave late…
I’m listening to the book Unoffended right now. It might be worth a read: Other people are not perfect, I’m not perfect. I can choose to be upset about it or just face the reality peacefully.
My goodness … 5 to 15 minutes late? Who cares? Unless you are involved in shift work, no one should be such a stickler for on time behavior (unless it is a meeting or something like that, in which case you should be on time).
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If no one worries about it when you work a little extra, no one should worry about it when you come a little late. It all balances out. If we are all professionals, we should be trusted to manage our own schedules and work.
These must-start-at-8 and on-time-at-any-cost people hold such antiquated ideas about the workplace. Just be good at your job, hire people who are good at theirs, and do good work together. Don’t worry about the rest.
While I respect this point of view, I think this is a deeper personality issue for some of us. As an ISTJ (based on Myers-Briggs), I am a hard-working and dutiful employee who values rules and structure. In some ways, this makes me an excellent employee and/or coworker, but there are drawbacks too. I am always on time and I have an innate sense of fairness, so my response to this is “I stay late sometimes, too… does that mean I can come in late every day?” My supervisor has clearly told me no, but then it doesn’t make sense to me when he says “well, she gets her work done…” I get my work done as well, but I still feel the (internal AND external) pressure to get to work on time every day. My expectations of others are my downfall, but my personality type contributes to a tendency to have high expectations of myself AND others.
I agree with you.
I think I’m an ESTJ personality and value rules like being somewhere on time. It is very hard to watch people come to work late every day (not just once in a while) especially when we get paid for the same amount yet one (or 2 or 3) people are working 1 or 1 1/2 hrs less per week. To me this is time theft! Is it costing me personally? Not in money but it does make me resentful that others think that rules don’t apply to them or that that they are somehow more “special” than others. I know this is my problem but it does wear me down when I see it happen day after day with multiple people. The manager is aware and chooses not to do anything or sends out a blanket statement “Your start time is…” to the whole department. I find it insulting (again my problem). It takes so much effort to “not care” because I’m wired this way. I’m trying to come up with a short mantra I can say everyday to help me “live and let live” but I find it a hard thing to sustain over long periods of time!
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Not being at work on time is stealing from the company, no two ways about it.
How late is the person getting to work, and by that I then mean the person arrives says good morning to everyone, gets a cup of coffee, answers a text, etc. before ever starting to do the task the person is hired to do.
Dear Boiling –
The time and energy you spend monitoring and fretting over your co-worker’s whereabouts are a strong indicator to me (an HR Manager) that you have entirely too much time on your hands. If you brought these concerns to me, I would be completely annoyed by your creepy clock-watching as it is evident that you are easily distracted and not as productive as you could be. Does your co-worker sign your check?
You may have been living under a rock, but there has been a total paradigm shift in the workplace – work-life balance is and has been just as important to employees as compensation. Just a few of the thousands of articles and research on this are below. Progressive workplaces do not micromanage or clock-watch employees. Redirect that energy to your own position and showcase YOUR talent.
https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/345538
https://www.forbes.com/sites/soulaimagourani/2019/05/03/this-is-how-the-future-of-work-life-balance-will-look-like/
https://www.qualtrics.com/blog/work-life-balance/
PS – Simmer down Fran.
Most workplaces still are concerned about when people show up. It would be bad business to not.
As an HR manager, I am surprised by how rude your message is. You can get your point across without being insulting.
Thank you for that comment and that is exactly how I feel. I’ve just resigned from an office work place where a band 5 felt it was in her duty to speak to my line supervisor that I had not logged in by a certain time (working from home and had no set time of when to log in) under the guise of ‘concern’ whereas the reality is she wanted to know where I was and didn’t like the fact that I hadn’t logged in. This person was also someone who rigidly logged in at 8 for god knows how many years.
Your one of those no structured generations. Hey you start at 8 not 8 o 1 or 2 at8 or stay home. Al
joe you are an antiquated mind, an artifact. Modern thinking values results over formality
I’m with Ash on this one. Without more info, I find it disturbing that a co-worker would micromanaging a colleague in this way.
I would hate to work with a majority of the people that responded. If you are supposed to be at work by 8:00 am be there at least 10 minutes prior. I don’t know why getting to work at the agreed upon time is so difficult. I just retired from the military and now work in the government sector and it amazes me the things people come up with on a daily basis to justify being late. Yes if you are late everyday it does take away from productivity and it creates a hostile work environment when you have staff that don’t have time and attendance problems.
God help us, people are becoming so petty and creepy. I grew up in a communist country and this was the vibe, people monitoring others to the poing of insanity. Now in the UK, care worker getting bullied at work by older women. Nurses eat their young also applies to care workers. I just found out that cleaners get paid more than care workers! We have to go through endless, pointless training and get minimum wage, which is below the Living Wage. At least my manager gets plenty and he is never here 😂 What a nightmare life has been.
As an HR manager, you are very rude and sound difficult to work with and get feedback from. If a person is consistently late and doesn’t do their work, it can affect the morale of others. People have questions and concerns for management every day. You can say you will take care of it or just focus on what you are supposed to do to the employee who is frustrated. No need for attitude and rudeness. Although nothing in life or in the workplace is fair, we should hold employees accountable for their actions when they are having a negative impact on the office and break rules too often. Paradigm shifts in the workplace do exist, but it is not an excuse for employees to do what they want.
P. S. Find a new job.
Unbelievable. This is why bullying is so out of control in the workplace. Essentially what this article is saying and almost everyone else is to “understand” the employees being consistently late and calling out because they took on a job that they’re unable to get to for whatever excuses they can come up with, but you have to suck it up and do all the work for them. If they can’t make it on time all the time then they need to look for work that accommodates their needs. Everyone is late or calls out sometimes, but doing it 10 times out of a month clearly shows you don’t want to be there. I have a coworker who does this and he is also extremely lazy and disrespectful, he does the bare minimum and won’t lift a finger. Yes, it does affect my job, and I also have a life outside of work. I guarantee you if I started doing what he does, I would be fired in a short amount of time. People leaving angry comments that “you have to much time on your hands if you’re noticing an employee coming and going” is really “I do this myself to my coworkers so I’m going to defend it”. Being late sometimes happens, being consistently late is a decision. Take responsibility for your job and your personal life. No one has to hand hold you and no one has to come up with excuses for your poor choices.
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Then they will get fired for not completing their work… these people are talking about seeing some other person that doesn’t effect them except to say “hello”. Being late 15 minutes and not completing your work is not even in the same ballpark.
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Worry about yourself that’s what you can do!!! The fact that someone being a few late gets you this upset is hilarious. If this world worried about themselves over being so caught up on others it would be a lot better place!! You have no idea what’s going on in that persons life, but since you have a silver spoon life you would never comprehend people who have struggles or difficulties or problems maybe the person is working 2 jobs to put food on his kids table or maybe that person doesn’t have the money to put kids in daycare so they have to run there kids to school befor work or maybe that person has a very Ill relative at home or maybe that person has a million other things going on. This world is way to full of little taddletale suck up brown misers so worried about everyone else. The best part is the ones who are 15 minutes early every day never late ever are 95 percent of the time the most useless lazy ones who get paid to do nothing day in day out, yet they think there so much better then everyone becasue they were never late. Or you are the type that is early everyday but then stand at the time clock the last 30 minutes everyday getting paid to wait at the clock while the one who might of been 5 minutes late is busting there ass untill 5 minutes after the bell rings to go home. So get a life and worry about yourself
If you have an appointment for a massage and the clinician is 15min late are you ok with not getting your full hour of relief? You paid for the full hour. Are you understanding that they had to let their kids on the bus and have another appointment right after yours?
If u youre scheduled at 6am your ass should be on time at your workstation at 6am. I work with a coworker who is consistently late every morning and I can’t leave until my relief gets there. Do u can imagine I’m fuming because I’m ready 2 go 6am after working a 12 hr shift I’m ready to go. But nope every morning this fat hefer is always 5 min late. It’s frustrating n very disrespectful not only that inconsiderate towards me.
I’m a little early every day and I could not care less if someone was late everyday as long as everyone is afforded the same amount of slack. If I were to be late and be in trouble while my coworker continued to be late with no repercussions, then I’m angry, but as long as it’s all fair I really don’t care when people come and go. We’re not toddlers who need a mommy and a strict schedule. Get your work done, leave me alone unless it’s work related, and I don’t care what you do. It’s when it’s unfair/preferential treatment or disruptive to my work, then there’s a problem.
I’ve done all that is recommended. This person works in a remote location and Supervisor says they do not approve of the behavior, and this person has had a problem with tardiness from day 1. Tardiness, taking long lunches, changing reporting times, disregarding policies and does not clock in or out for anything simply because ‘they (the supervisors) can’t see us and they are never coming out here.’ Lacking Integrity. This, to me is a dangerous person. I don’t engage other than concise business conversations and I keep my supervisor informed because they are tracking me like a hound dog and do not know what to do with this person even though there are active cameras. Should I be concern? If my neighbor’s house was broken into and I saw the perpetrators, would I let the authorities know? Should I? or Should I mind my own business and keep silent? See something, Say something?
I want everyone that says it’s ok to be a few minutes late everyday to consider this. You have an appointment at 8am to get your teeth cleaned. The later person is supposed to clean your teeth. She has one hour. She is 15min late. Has to get the instruments out fill her water and get you back. It now 8:30 and your appointment is over at 9. Are you ok with this? Is it ok because you don’t want to micromanage or not show grace to her? You will still be billed for the cleaning whether she had enough time to do a good job or not. Oh and she needs to leave right at 5 to pick her kids back up on time. So she needs to cut the last appointment short also to have time to clean the room before she leaves. Is that patient supposed to be ok with it also because we need to be more flexible.